Don't Get Sentimental, It alway ends up drivel. A chemical Reaction....
So it's been a good 3/4 of a year since I last wrote, and to be frank I'm not sure why I'm starting again. Perhaps a combination of insomnia and boredom. Maybe I just need an excuse to toot my own horn. Beep Beep.
So I'v got about 4 more weeks till I'm off to purchase. I'm ready to go, not needing to, but ready. I think the difference between the two may be the important result of waiting. toot toot. For some reason I decided till 2 months before I leave to meet everyone in Buffalo. Atleast I'm busy, god knows free time on my hands often leads to calimity. I will miss people and their standout qualities. Of course they will soon be replaced by a new cast of character in my daily puppetshow. Not to cheapen anyone or thing, lets not take ourselves too seriously, I sure as hell don't. Dance Monkey Dance.
I'm going to miss the shit out of my parents. When you get to know someone you'v been living with your whole life as a person you are completely honest with they become very important to your sanity. My mother listens attentively when I bitch about ultra casual sex, and my father supports my alchohol habits while humouring my naive sense of the world. Only to retort with tales of vietnamese montenyard tribesman ritualisticly feeding him rice wine in the 60's where only 10 years earlier he was hitching tranes to mexico to play guitar in bars, fuck, fight, and get into who knows what else kindof of trouble. The two of them standing next to each other are the closest thing to a fucking mirror I will ever see, and I'm glad I finally realized it. It will be tougt to be away from them after we finally became close.
But enough about them, what about meeee. Closing in on 20, when did I get so old. Is that a beer gut? Is my hair receding? what happened to my sex drive? Well maybe none of those, cept the gut, but tis good this year is coming to a close. I can't really place it all. Lots of working, going through the motions, struggling to pay bills, make things work. Getting fucked up to distract myself. Biding time till some sort of grand consensus has been reached. I had a nice conversation with Beki earlier on how I'v come to consider myself half coke/half diet coke in the overly simplistic sociological sense. Half the time I'm in the state of numbness that occupied my spring, while the other is usually very happy and energetic or pissed off. Not much sadness or apathy on my part. Little spurts here and their, but for the most part I'm so burned out on being miserable that I'v become comfortable with myself. Not that I'm still trying to deal with not being a robot. Last week I nearly started laughing hysterically when I realized I was angry and hurt by someone I had feelings towards (to what extent I have no idea). I was over-fucking-joyed that I was feeling something other than mellow or simply saying, im over it. My sense of humour thinks thats fucking hilarious. Ready to run down the street giving high fives cuz I fealt hurt. hahahaha. Guess I'm not a robot after all.
On the subject of other people and my involvement with them, the past month of a whirlwind has left me tired but steady on my feet. I met a truly genuine person, someone who shattered my idea of what unconditional caring and openess could be. I'm constantly amaized by their actions, and moreso the resolve they have to commit themself to such high morrals and in general just being awesome to people despite surely witnessing the things I see that have left me tired and burned out. I was in a position to share company with this person, but unfortunatly for myself I couldn't resolve myself to feel anything but terror that I would hurt this person, which would only be a matter of time. I will soon be gone but I implore that this person takes my eternal admiration of their character, finds a wonderfull gentleman to treat her like a lady, and will forever stay gold. In the case this is seen by their eyes I implore they break their own rules and bring it up in conversation to me.
My capacity to actually feel something briefly positive for someone was actually challenged, hence my earlier hive fives comment, and although that whole situation just blew up in one giant disaster almost too perfectly after-school specialish. It's still mulling through my head, just the details of it, not my actions or state of mind. I'v learned that company of the kind, and those you click with, is a very nice thing, but anything beyond that at this point is just asking for trouble when it comes to myself. Half coke, half diet coke.
I wake up in the morning, I smile, I look at the details that flash by the glass and seem to go un-noticed by everyone else. I stumble fluidly down the middle of streets and snap my fingers to a rhythm that only I can conceivably move to. I find comfort in the smallest leaf dropping past my shoulder, from the tree soon to wither, and I smile at the billboards. The people walking past perpetually trapped filing through the motions of constants. Filling orifices, feeling pain, feeling anything to distract them from all these falling leaves. It makes me smile, these beautifull reminders of it's nature to be so trivial constantly surround me and fall upon my shoulders. I wake up, I smile, I look in the mirror. I does not feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, something to feel, a new fixation to appear, a new distraction to delay resolve. And Moderation begins to feel kindof extreme. I smile at the reflection, not judging it, just smiling at the perplexing fucking thing that it is. but smiling. I can't help but see the small child still amaized at his reflection, chasing after the leaves, as he sits on the grass and creates the world around him.
This combination of being so morbidly sinical and dark coupled with a capacity to pull a complete 180 and be so overwhelmed by all the beauty hidden in plane sight is suprisingly entertaining. Not in a jeckyl and Hide sense, moreso a combination of the two at all times only to be distracted by one or the other as a situation permits. I'm content with it for the moment. It's a matter of not over thinking, not calculating the odds, having the ability to feel as though you can feel out a situation and roll with the punches as they come. living in the moment if you will. interesting.
Beki is back in town and that has my focus at the moment. We'v joked before of me proposing to her 10 years down the line, although a seriousness on both our sides. It's an interesting thought, I can't deny the fact that I enjoy her company on a different level from most, and I'm whole heartedly drawn to who she is, but it's funny how that comes to play in my current state or half half numbness. I recognize that I will always love this person, and although in the past that has been hard to deal with at the present, it just kindof works at the moment. I don't put much thought to it, don't expect anything or to that extent feel like I need anything. I just enjoy that this person is here and I can spend time with them, as oversimplified as that is. I just wouldn't be suprised if some day my nagging charm couples us. Maybe not. We Will see in 10 years, but right now we both have our own seperate distractions to occupy our time and energy. glad shes back in town, glad I'm not hung up on trying for that to be something more than it is.
So shit, there goes a couple hours. Can't say I didn't see that coming though, unleash me on a keyboard with an excuse to ramble and there I go. For the convenience of those grammar consious I have finnaly applied the usage of "there" and "their" to the proper context. Dirt off yo shouldas. Please, this time around on the journal, or cryary as it's been dubbed can we all except the fact that I'm somehow "gay" without actually being homosexual and there is no longer a need to tell me that. I also aknowledge the fact that feelings constitute "pussy shit" and encourage that be brought to my attention on a regular basis. ummm, oh, screw brooks, I mean flanders.
All the people you knew were the actors
Well, I
So I'v got about 4 more weeks till I'm off to purchase. I'm ready to go, not needing to, but ready. I think the difference between the two may be the important result of waiting. toot toot. For some reason I decided till 2 months before I leave to meet everyone in Buffalo. Atleast I'm busy, god knows free time on my hands often leads to calimity. I will miss people and their standout qualities. Of course they will soon be replaced by a new cast of character in my daily puppetshow. Not to cheapen anyone or thing, lets not take ourselves too seriously, I sure as hell don't. Dance Monkey Dance.
I'm going to miss the shit out of my parents. When you get to know someone you'v been living with your whole life as a person you are completely honest with they become very important to your sanity. My mother listens attentively when I bitch about ultra casual sex, and my father supports my alchohol habits while humouring my naive sense of the world. Only to retort with tales of vietnamese montenyard tribesman ritualisticly feeding him rice wine in the 60's where only 10 years earlier he was hitching tranes to mexico to play guitar in bars, fuck, fight, and get into who knows what else kindof of trouble. The two of them standing next to each other are the closest thing to a fucking mirror I will ever see, and I'm glad I finally realized it. It will be tougt to be away from them after we finally became close.
But enough about them, what about meeee. Closing in on 20, when did I get so old. Is that a beer gut? Is my hair receding? what happened to my sex drive? Well maybe none of those, cept the gut, but tis good this year is coming to a close. I can't really place it all. Lots of working, going through the motions, struggling to pay bills, make things work. Getting fucked up to distract myself. Biding time till some sort of grand consensus has been reached. I had a nice conversation with Beki earlier on how I'v come to consider myself half coke/half diet coke in the overly simplistic sociological sense. Half the time I'm in the state of numbness that occupied my spring, while the other is usually very happy and energetic or pissed off. Not much sadness or apathy on my part. Little spurts here and their, but for the most part I'm so burned out on being miserable that I'v become comfortable with myself. Not that I'm still trying to deal with not being a robot. Last week I nearly started laughing hysterically when I realized I was angry and hurt by someone I had feelings towards (to what extent I have no idea). I was over-fucking-joyed that I was feeling something other than mellow or simply saying, im over it. My sense of humour thinks thats fucking hilarious. Ready to run down the street giving high fives cuz I fealt hurt. hahahaha. Guess I'm not a robot after all.
On the subject of other people and my involvement with them, the past month of a whirlwind has left me tired but steady on my feet. I met a truly genuine person, someone who shattered my idea of what unconditional caring and openess could be. I'm constantly amaized by their actions, and moreso the resolve they have to commit themself to such high morrals and in general just being awesome to people despite surely witnessing the things I see that have left me tired and burned out. I was in a position to share company with this person, but unfortunatly for myself I couldn't resolve myself to feel anything but terror that I would hurt this person, which would only be a matter of time. I will soon be gone but I implore that this person takes my eternal admiration of their character, finds a wonderfull gentleman to treat her like a lady, and will forever stay gold. In the case this is seen by their eyes I implore they break their own rules and bring it up in conversation to me.
My capacity to actually feel something briefly positive for someone was actually challenged, hence my earlier hive fives comment, and although that whole situation just blew up in one giant disaster almost too perfectly after-school specialish. It's still mulling through my head, just the details of it, not my actions or state of mind. I'v learned that company of the kind, and those you click with, is a very nice thing, but anything beyond that at this point is just asking for trouble when it comes to myself. Half coke, half diet coke.
I wake up in the morning, I smile, I look at the details that flash by the glass and seem to go un-noticed by everyone else. I stumble fluidly down the middle of streets and snap my fingers to a rhythm that only I can conceivably move to. I find comfort in the smallest leaf dropping past my shoulder, from the tree soon to wither, and I smile at the billboards. The people walking past perpetually trapped filing through the motions of constants. Filling orifices, feeling pain, feeling anything to distract them from all these falling leaves. It makes me smile, these beautifull reminders of it's nature to be so trivial constantly surround me and fall upon my shoulders. I wake up, I smile, I look in the mirror. I does not feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, something to feel, a new fixation to appear, a new distraction to delay resolve. And Moderation begins to feel kindof extreme. I smile at the reflection, not judging it, just smiling at the perplexing fucking thing that it is. but smiling. I can't help but see the small child still amaized at his reflection, chasing after the leaves, as he sits on the grass and creates the world around him.
This combination of being so morbidly sinical and dark coupled with a capacity to pull a complete 180 and be so overwhelmed by all the beauty hidden in plane sight is suprisingly entertaining. Not in a jeckyl and Hide sense, moreso a combination of the two at all times only to be distracted by one or the other as a situation permits. I'm content with it for the moment. It's a matter of not over thinking, not calculating the odds, having the ability to feel as though you can feel out a situation and roll with the punches as they come. living in the moment if you will. interesting.
Beki is back in town and that has my focus at the moment. We'v joked before of me proposing to her 10 years down the line, although a seriousness on both our sides. It's an interesting thought, I can't deny the fact that I enjoy her company on a different level from most, and I'm whole heartedly drawn to who she is, but it's funny how that comes to play in my current state or half half numbness. I recognize that I will always love this person, and although in the past that has been hard to deal with at the present, it just kindof works at the moment. I don't put much thought to it, don't expect anything or to that extent feel like I need anything. I just enjoy that this person is here and I can spend time with them, as oversimplified as that is. I just wouldn't be suprised if some day my nagging charm couples us. Maybe not. We Will see in 10 years, but right now we both have our own seperate distractions to occupy our time and energy. glad shes back in town, glad I'm not hung up on trying for that to be something more than it is.
So shit, there goes a couple hours. Can't say I didn't see that coming though, unleash me on a keyboard with an excuse to ramble and there I go. For the convenience of those grammar consious I have finnaly applied the usage of "there" and "their" to the proper context. Dirt off yo shouldas. Please, this time around on the journal, or cryary as it's been dubbed can we all except the fact that I'm somehow "gay" without actually being homosexual and there is no longer a need to tell me that. I also aknowledge the fact that feelings constitute "pussy shit" and encourage that be brought to my attention on a regular basis. ummm, oh, screw brooks, I mean flanders.
All the people you knew were the actors
Well, I