i hate myself
i am soooo stupid. i can't stop crying and it's my fault this time. not all of it...the reason i'm crying isn't entirely my fault. anyway. so i'm at his house...he gets in the shower and me, being the ignorant snoop that i am, look thru the text msgs on his phone. i find one that definitely clarifies that he has had sex with this girl. so of course i flip out and lock myself in his mom's room until he gets out of the shower because i'm trying not to kill myself with sadness. so he finally gets out in what seems like an eternity later i guess because of all the thoughts racing thru my mind like somebody on crack or something. so he tries to open the door and he can't so obviously he bangs on it but then goes and sits in the living room. i come out with a tear stained face and i can't look at him because i want to die. he keeps asking what the hell is wrong with me and at this point he's getting pissed because he knows i've snooped on something to be this upset out of nowhere...so i just bluntly say i dunno why don't you go f*ck amanda agn...(her name). and he's like omg i don't have time for this because by now he DEFINITELY knows where i got it from...he proceeds to say that it was a really long time ago; but he never told me....that was why i was soooo upset. he didn't think he could tell me. i told him the other day...we had a conversation about this. i said if you're going to date other girls i don't care because that's what you want to do. but don't lie to me about it and just tell me no i'm not dating anyone else. because then when i find out about these other girls and how he has most certainly slept with one or who knows probably more now since he didn't tell me about this one. i just want him to be honest with me...you know how much i love him and that's why i want to die right now. i snooped and then didn't think before i spoke...i should have just asked when they had sex...and not gotten all irrational. but you know me...i'm all fucked up.
i seriously don't know what to do....i know i can trust him....it's just so hard to BELIEVE him when i find this kind of stuff out...and when he says 'a long time ago' i don't know if that means right after we 'broke up' or whatever or if a long time ago to him is while we were still together or if it was 3 months ago ya know? omg amanda what do i do.....i've been crying for 45 minutes straight...i don't think i've ever cried this long except for when i had to put pepper to sleep.......i have to call him but i don't know what to say...he's ssooo mad at me. i'm just sad...i'm not even mad anymore...that was just the initial feeling....now i just want to crawl in a hole and die....i actually thought about letting a car crash into me on the way home from his house...that's how depressed i am right now....i mean i really did. i actually wanted it to. but then what...if i died he wouldn't even know about it til like a day or so from now i bet. unless my mom happened to call to tell him. which i think she'd be a little too upset to do that....but hell if i know. i hate myself....i haven't been this upset with myself in...ever i think. i'm sooo stupid. what the hell was i thinking....i really am dad....
i seriously don't know what to do....i know i can trust him....it's just so hard to BELIEVE him when i find this kind of stuff out...and when he says 'a long time ago' i don't know if that means right after we 'broke up' or whatever or if a long time ago to him is while we were still together or if it was 3 months ago ya know? omg amanda what do i do.....i've been crying for 45 minutes straight...i don't think i've ever cried this long except for when i had to put pepper to sleep.......i have to call him but i don't know what to say...he's ssooo mad at me. i'm just sad...i'm not even mad anymore...that was just the initial feeling....now i just want to crawl in a hole and die....i actually thought about letting a car crash into me on the way home from his house...that's how depressed i am right now....i mean i really did. i actually wanted it to. but then what...if i died he wouldn't even know about it til like a day or so from now i bet. unless my mom happened to call to tell him. which i think she'd be a little too upset to do that....but hell if i know. i hate myself....i haven't been this upset with myself in...ever i think. i'm sooo stupid. what the hell was i thinking....i really am dad....