Nothing to Lose
I feel fucking old… 21 years old and I'm already popping 3 pills a day. I guess it's not that bad because at least these one's are by choice. I broke down again the other. I'm starting to think I should add a few more pills to that regiment.. One's that'll chill me out. I mean as of now I'm not taking anything serious.. Hell I couldn't afford to even if I wanted to! I'm not suicidal or all that shit. Yeah I've thought about what it would be like if I were dead. Who would come to my funeral. Anyone at all aside from my close family?
I've also thought about what it would be like to kill someone else.. That's a favorite for me… I'm neurotic I know.. I just can't help not think about how it would feel to push someone over a balcony or sneak on them while there asleep and slit there throat. I use to think about that shit all the time.. Especially while I was in high school. I'd get so upset at myself or someone else that my mind would automatically start thinking these horrible thoughts. I use to think about tripping myself down the stairs so that my neck would break. I use to trust my guidance councilor with thoughts like that. In the end I just ended up feeling worse than I did before… because I felt like she was judging me. So maybe I'm paranoid. I use to care about what people thought about me after I wrote things like this.. But It feels good to get it out of my head and somewhere. How many people actually read these things anyway? Less than I can count on one hand.. That's how many. So I don't feel bad for saying what I think. And I get it off my chest. I've got nothing to lose.
Mel
I've also thought about what it would be like to kill someone else.. That's a favorite for me… I'm neurotic I know.. I just can't help not think about how it would feel to push someone over a balcony or sneak on them while there asleep and slit there throat. I use to think about that shit all the time.. Especially while I was in high school. I'd get so upset at myself or someone else that my mind would automatically start thinking these horrible thoughts. I use to think about tripping myself down the stairs so that my neck would break. I use to trust my guidance councilor with thoughts like that. In the end I just ended up feeling worse than I did before… because I felt like she was judging me. So maybe I'm paranoid. I use to care about what people thought about me after I wrote things like this.. But It feels good to get it out of my head and somewhere. How many people actually read these things anyway? Less than I can count on one hand.. That's how many. So I don't feel bad for saying what I think. And I get it off my chest. I've got nothing to lose.
Mel