These late nights....

[bamagirlie]

So I know you guys are sick of my whining all the time, but lately it doesn't really seem like I have much else to talk about. I'm just so down. Sure I put on a good face for everyone...I don't want them to see me weak. But all that acting really takes a toll on my emotions, and by the end of the day, I end up feeling even worse. I really just want to get away. I wish I had the time and the resources to just get in my car and drive and drive and drive until I was numb. I just have to get out of this place, I'm in such a rut, and I just need to be away from it all. Everyday I go through the motions...I go to my classes, do my work, get through it. But it doesn't feel like I'm serving any purpose by being here. What's going to happen when I graduate? I'll get a pretty piece of paper saying that I spent 4 years of my life and too much money at this place, and a swift kick in the ass out the door into a world that just scares the hell out of me. I don't want that, I don't I don't I don't. I wish I could feel like there was a reason for me to be here, that "I'm getting an education" that's supposed to help me or something. But it doesn't feel that way. I won't be any smarter come May 2007, just a lot more broke. This is all just very hard and very scary. I'm hoping that I'll figure it out sometime soon. Until then, I just need somebody to lean on, and I don't even know if I have that anymore. It's a cold, harsh world, and frankly I just feel like I'm standing alone in it. So much emphasis is placed on independence these days, but really, where are we if we don't have each other? If you think about yourself too much, that's who you're going to always put first, and that's who you're going to be left with. Not that self-love is bad. We could all use a little more of it. But sometimes, it's okay to lean on others and let them lean on you. That's what love is all about.

Sorry this post ended up being so long and deep. It's just one of those times when the words just come pouring out, and I can't really control it. Anyway, if you read it, thanks, I hope it made sense to you. Now I'm going to try and get some sleep...8 AM review session awaits...