I wanted everything...
God, it hurts so much. Now I wish that I had never met Brad. I know that's the worst possible thing to say. I feel like such a bad person. But, my life has gone down the drain. All I ever think about is why...Why did he break my heart? Why did he develop feelings for Mallory NOW instead of years b4 when they started being friends? Why did it have to happen now? Why did I ever meet this guy? Why did I give him my heart like that? Why was I stupid enough to believe someone like him loved me? Why was I so dumb to let myself think nothing was going on? Why? Why? Why? Does anyone have a fucking clue??? Cuz if I did know the answers to those questions, I wouldn't feel like shit right now. I feel like someone cut open my chest with a butcher knife very slowly, twisted my heart out of my chest, blood gushing everywhere, then slit open my stomach, and planted my throbbing aching heart in my sick stomach. I feel like dog shit on a hot summer morning laying on the sidewalk that a little 3 year old just stepped in. I feel useless, hopeless,lifeless. I feel all these things. I feel I'll never find anyone who won't break my heart. Every single fucking guy that I've been with has either cheated on me or broken my heart in some kind of way. I swear. Every single guy. Lindsay was talking to me yesterday about how lucky she thinks I am because I have "all the luck with guys". That really hurt me. Just because I have had a few boyfriends DOES NOT mean that I have any luck with guys whatsoever. I always get my heart broken. I don't have any luck at all. They just want sex. That's all the guys I have been with want. SEX. And I know sex is good and everything, but what about feelings? Do they not get hurt? Do guys not have feelings? I don't think I will ever want to be with anyone ever again. It's going to take me so long to get over this. SO LONG. I thought I was going to be okay,but it's still a fresh open wound.