That's the plan, rule the world, you and me, any day.
It is 4:44 am. I can't really sleep.
And I've been avoiding writing in my here because I know that no one wants to hear me whine and vent, because I know I don't want to whine and vent, but I can't really write all that well because I put on pretty fake nails with the manicure tip today. They make me feel feminine.
Anyway.
Why can't I sleep? During the day I feel tired and I can feel myself just not doing anything but I honestly can't drift off to sleep and there is no one on at a quarter to 5 in the morning and its so quiet that there's nothing to do...so why am I awake?
Ugh.
I have a lot of shit to do. I have to call a bunch of people and talk to a bunch of people and get set up for disappointing them because I am not going to be applying to go to Russia this summer. There, I said it. And I feel horrible because I feel like I've let people down (which honestly I've just let myself down but I always tend to feel bad about it anyway. And then I feel bad for feeling bad, it's a lovely cycle). I was all gung-ho about it in the beginning of November and honestly I thought I could do it, but let's face it: I've been super sick, I'm behind in my schooling, I don't have the money, and I've got a heaping plate of personal problems that need dealing with. If I can't drive a car on the highway without having a heart attack, I don't think I can handle being across the globe in a country that isn't too happy with us at the moment. I mean, I KNOW I'd be safe and all, they wouldn't just throw us out there and say "Good luck God bless Bye!" ...But it's just all in my head.
I usually avoid things if I don't want to face them...and I'm sure a lot of other people do too. It's something I've really got to work on. But I'm going to make those calls and write those whatever-I-have-to-writes and do some serious talking and thinking and praying. I need to do more of that. My mom said that maybe I could go next year once I've graduated and have everything sorted out. It's just something I know I have to pray on because it's not something I need to fit into my schedule, but if it is meant to be, that will happen. But it's just become more than apparent that there's things I need to take care of here first.
But the good part about it is that Sabrina is applying too and she will have a better chance of going because there will be less applicants from New York because usually they don't take a lot of people from the same area. So that's good and I wish her the best of luck for having the courage and faith that I don't have right now.
Ugh, so depressing...I'm tired (it's exactly 5am) but I am certain that my thoughts will keep whirring and stuff like they tend to do. And I have to be up in 3 hours, and if it takes me an hour to fall asleep that's 2 hours of sleep or 1.5 REM cycles...is it really worth it? I could just drink a mountain dew instead.
Also: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is my new favorite short movie musical thing. Neil Patrick Harris has the dreamiest singing voice I have ever heard. The end.
And I've been avoiding writing in my here because I know that no one wants to hear me whine and vent, because I know I don't want to whine and vent, but I can't really write all that well because I put on pretty fake nails with the manicure tip today. They make me feel feminine.
Anyway.
Why can't I sleep? During the day I feel tired and I can feel myself just not doing anything but I honestly can't drift off to sleep and there is no one on at a quarter to 5 in the morning and its so quiet that there's nothing to do...so why am I awake?
Ugh.
I have a lot of shit to do. I have to call a bunch of people and talk to a bunch of people and get set up for disappointing them because I am not going to be applying to go to Russia this summer. There, I said it. And I feel horrible because I feel like I've let people down (which honestly I've just let myself down but I always tend to feel bad about it anyway. And then I feel bad for feeling bad, it's a lovely cycle). I was all gung-ho about it in the beginning of November and honestly I thought I could do it, but let's face it: I've been super sick, I'm behind in my schooling, I don't have the money, and I've got a heaping plate of personal problems that need dealing with. If I can't drive a car on the highway without having a heart attack, I don't think I can handle being across the globe in a country that isn't too happy with us at the moment. I mean, I KNOW I'd be safe and all, they wouldn't just throw us out there and say "Good luck God bless Bye!" ...But it's just all in my head.
I usually avoid things if I don't want to face them...and I'm sure a lot of other people do too. It's something I've really got to work on. But I'm going to make those calls and write those whatever-I-have-to-writes and do some serious talking and thinking and praying. I need to do more of that. My mom said that maybe I could go next year once I've graduated and have everything sorted out. It's just something I know I have to pray on because it's not something I need to fit into my schedule, but if it is meant to be, that will happen. But it's just become more than apparent that there's things I need to take care of here first.
But the good part about it is that Sabrina is applying too and she will have a better chance of going because there will be less applicants from New York because usually they don't take a lot of people from the same area. So that's good and I wish her the best of luck for having the courage and faith that I don't have right now.
Ugh, so depressing...I'm tired (it's exactly 5am) but I am certain that my thoughts will keep whirring and stuff like they tend to do. And I have to be up in 3 hours, and if it takes me an hour to fall asleep that's 2 hours of sleep or 1.5 REM cycles...is it really worth it? I could just drink a mountain dew instead.
Also: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is my new favorite short movie musical thing. Neil Patrick Harris has the dreamiest singing voice I have ever heard. The end.