014; There's no stopping me.
So... the mountains.
It wasn't a horrible time, but I expected much more out of it. I went with the intentions of having an escape from everything. Overall, it was nice being able to get away and have a little vacation, but it didn't stop my little "downward spiral" I've been falling through.
There were a few moments that were absolutely awesome. Even though I got a little mad about the talking, and giggling and whatever keeping me awake Friday night, I ignore it. Yesterday, after breakfast, all ten of us played one huge game of wiffle ball, and my team (me, john, taylor, steve and garson) ended up winning the game when the other team was seriously kicking our asses. I also discovered that I can hit a ball better than Kevin, which was pretty fucking amazing. After the game, and after convicning a few people, me, Taylor, Gibbs, Steve, and Rachel all played Pit for like two hours (with a short break for dinner somewhere in between). Apparently, it sounded like a stupid game, but that opinion was quickly changed after we actually started to play. It ended up being a really fun game, and Gibbs described it as "the best game ever." haha.
After we played Pit, everybody wanted to nap a little, but me and Taylor weren't tired, so we decided to let people sleep and we went out for a walk. Our walk which we had only planned on taking for a little bit, ended up lasting for about three hours, and we got back just as it was getting dark. A few people thought we got lost, but we really walked around in circles, but took completely different routes and such, and we had some good conversations, and I now have more reason to hate John Nolan (by theory), and I no longer hate Jesse Lacey. We got back, sat on the steps, continuing with our music discussion part of out 3457896 conversations, and argued about which Thursday CD is the "essential" album to have by them, so I called Tom to ask his opinion while Taylor asked Kevin to prove her I was right (;] love you taylor). I ened up staying on the phone with Tom for another like.. fifteen/twenty minutes, and that partially added to my mood that came later.
After that talk, the fire got started and yay! It was time for s'mores, and I ended up becoming what Renee called the "S'more Whore," because while there were rounds of Beer Pong going on, I was making s'mores for everybody. It wasn't bad though, I like roasting marshmellows. Then I played with the fire for a while, and Renee decided that I would become her "Sunny D Pong" partner, haha, and Taylor had gone to bed by that point. We kicked some major butt too, and we pretty much beat everybody except Kevin and John, but really, we were only one cup away from beating them, so it was still close. We're awesome. But, my stomach could only handle so much Sunny D, and after a while playing so many games got annoying, so once John and Kevin beat us, we were done, and Renee went to bed. I sat by the fire with Garson and Gibbs since Taylor and Renee were in bed, Racehl, John, Rachel and Kristen were playing Beer Pong, and Steve was weaving through everybody, but even he went to bed soon after that.
Since Taylor and Renee were in bed, and everyone was playing Beer Pong, or just drunk, I just sta there talking to Garson about fire, haha. Even that didn't last long though. I ended up getting quiet, and jsut relaxing in front of the fire. I'm not sure if it had something to do with the fact that my stomach hurt from all of the orange juice, but in the midst of being so quiet, my mind started to wander, and I ended up getting all upset, and was on the brink of tears. I wanted to take this vacation to not think about my aunt, and not think about how much I didn't want to go back to work tomorrow, and not to miss Tom and how he always mad me feel better, and not to dwell on how much I didn't want to celebrate my birthday. Not to mention, the point of this trip was for everyone to hang out together, and there were three people I hardly even saw the whole time, and one I think I spoke a total fo three words to. I loved that a fucking clique formed. So, since I was sitting there thinking about it all so much, I was slowly getting closer to tears, and I figured out that it was because everything was just hitting me at once. It was fighting them off though, but Gibbs could tell there was something wrong. Renee woke up, came outside and pretty much ended up saving me. We went inside, and as soon as I sat down on the couch, I broke down and started to cry, and I just explained that everything was getting to me all at once.
Then Taylor went to bathroom so me and Renee went up to hang out with her for a little bit so I could also calm down a little bit. Yadda, yadda, we joked around a bit and we ended up laughing a little bit, and when I went to change my bra because the one I was wearing was poking me, Rachel came up and she could tell I was upset abouty something too, so she talked to me and I told her everything that was bothering me. Gibbs heard bits and pieces of it, and so I cried more, and went back into the room, calmed down again, then we just talked more until I ended up falling asleep.
I could have done without today. I was entirely too annoyed. There was absolutely no need for me, Steve, Garson, Taylor and Renee to be yelled at for talking loudly. First of all, it was nearly 12 in the afternoon, my day is started already by that time on weekends. Second, I wasn't talking any louder then I usually do. Everyone knows I have a naturally loud voice. Third, I'm not going to stop talking to my friends just because you spent your whole night drinking and you didn't enough sleep. Who's fault is that? Not mine.
I don't care if you drink. If I did, I wouldn't have come, but if you act like a total fucking idiot, and stay up all night, take walks at 3am, then not go to sleep til six and complain the next morning when people who are awake want to actual have a day, then yeah, I'm going to be mad. There were no complaints on Friday night when you guys were up all night talking, and giggling and doing god knows what else and keeping the rest of us awake. I didn't even get to sleep until all of them were quiet. I don't even sleep a lot as it is. There weren't any complaints when Gibbs decided to jump on everybody Saturday morning at an EARLIER hour and wake everybody up. 10 am compared to 12 pm? I'd rather be woken up obnoxiously at noon, asopposed to 10. Even Steve and Garson were awake, and they were drinking too. Also, I apologize that Rachel and John had to drive and that they only got a few hours of sleep. But who's fault was that? Did we tell them to spend all night drinking, then take a walk late at night, and not to go to bed til 6? No. And why was it Kristen that yelled at us for that, and not Rachel or John? So if there weren't any complaints when we wanted to sleep, but couldn't, how come we get yelled at for being loud when we were just starting our day, and refused to be quiet for you and your hangover? Oh yeah, that's right... because we don't drink and we like to just, apparently, think we're better than everyone because we don't fucking drink, adn I apparently bring drama everywhere I go too. That was an interesting thing to walk in on. I'm sorry for talking, but that was my vacation too.
I was hoping that this mountain trip would be an escape from all of the personal shit that was bringing me down and nothing dramatic would happen. Drama was fine, until we got shit for talking when we were awake. That, and the little clique was the only thing that annoyed me, and it probably wouldn't have even been that bad if I hadn't been thinking about so much shit, but I'm obviously not cut out to have friends or be a non-drinker then go up the mountains with those who find joy in drinking. I give up.
The first degree was a riot.
We're making sure my lesson's learned.
I'm not ashamed but I'm trying.
I've come to expect, the standards you have set.
Tell me just how dangerous is second best.
You settle for less and I'm sure you'll settle again.
There's no stopping me.
I'm gutting you out.
Does this make you feel safe?
There's no stopping this.
I'm gutting you out.
Does this make you feel safe?
Closer that I look is just,
The further that you get.
Already, stubborn skin thickens, an attempt to understand.
Understand.
There's no stopping me.
I'm gutting you out.
Does this make you feel safe?
There's no stopping this.
I'm gutting you out.
Does this make you feel safe?
You got tired, got tired.
Of waiting, of waiting.
The guilt subsides, still waiting.
The night begins.
And I know it's not what you deserve.
Came as a gift from a good friend, a good friend.
That disapproves, but understands.
You reperesent and actively encourage all of my worst habits.
They all are proof that we're both capable of,
The most terrible things.
Don't test me.
There's no stopping me.
I'm gutting you out.
Does this make you feel safe?
There's no stopping this.
I'm gutting you out.
Does this make you feel safe?
You got tired, got tired
Of waiting, of waiting.
The guilt subsides, still waiting.
The night begins.
And I know it's not what you deserve.
You got tired, got tired
Of waiting, of waiting.
The guilt subsides, still waiting.
The night begins.
And I know it's not what you deserve.
I know it's not what you deserve.
It's not what you deserve.
I know it's not what you deserve.
I know it's not what you deserve.
It wasn't a horrible time, but I expected much more out of it. I went with the intentions of having an escape from everything. Overall, it was nice being able to get away and have a little vacation, but it didn't stop my little "downward spiral" I've been falling through.
There were a few moments that were absolutely awesome. Even though I got a little mad about the talking, and giggling and whatever keeping me awake Friday night, I ignore it. Yesterday, after breakfast, all ten of us played one huge game of wiffle ball, and my team (me, john, taylor, steve and garson) ended up winning the game when the other team was seriously kicking our asses. I also discovered that I can hit a ball better than Kevin, which was pretty fucking amazing. After the game, and after convicning a few people, me, Taylor, Gibbs, Steve, and Rachel all played Pit for like two hours (with a short break for dinner somewhere in between). Apparently, it sounded like a stupid game, but that opinion was quickly changed after we actually started to play. It ended up being a really fun game, and Gibbs described it as "the best game ever." haha.
After we played Pit, everybody wanted to nap a little, but me and Taylor weren't tired, so we decided to let people sleep and we went out for a walk. Our walk which we had only planned on taking for a little bit, ended up lasting for about three hours, and we got back just as it was getting dark. A few people thought we got lost, but we really walked around in circles, but took completely different routes and such, and we had some good conversations, and I now have more reason to hate John Nolan (by theory), and I no longer hate Jesse Lacey. We got back, sat on the steps, continuing with our music discussion part of out 3457896 conversations, and argued about which Thursday CD is the "essential" album to have by them, so I called Tom to ask his opinion while Taylor asked Kevin to prove her I was right (;] love you taylor). I ened up staying on the phone with Tom for another like.. fifteen/twenty minutes, and that partially added to my mood that came later.
After that talk, the fire got started and yay! It was time for s'mores, and I ended up becoming what Renee called the "S'more Whore," because while there were rounds of Beer Pong going on, I was making s'mores for everybody. It wasn't bad though, I like roasting marshmellows. Then I played with the fire for a while, and Renee decided that I would become her "Sunny D Pong" partner, haha, and Taylor had gone to bed by that point. We kicked some major butt too, and we pretty much beat everybody except Kevin and John, but really, we were only one cup away from beating them, so it was still close. We're awesome. But, my stomach could only handle so much Sunny D, and after a while playing so many games got annoying, so once John and Kevin beat us, we were done, and Renee went to bed. I sat by the fire with Garson and Gibbs since Taylor and Renee were in bed, Racehl, John, Rachel and Kristen were playing Beer Pong, and Steve was weaving through everybody, but even he went to bed soon after that.
Since Taylor and Renee were in bed, and everyone was playing Beer Pong, or just drunk, I just sta there talking to Garson about fire, haha. Even that didn't last long though. I ended up getting quiet, and jsut relaxing in front of the fire. I'm not sure if it had something to do with the fact that my stomach hurt from all of the orange juice, but in the midst of being so quiet, my mind started to wander, and I ended up getting all upset, and was on the brink of tears. I wanted to take this vacation to not think about my aunt, and not think about how much I didn't want to go back to work tomorrow, and not to miss Tom and how he always mad me feel better, and not to dwell on how much I didn't want to celebrate my birthday. Not to mention, the point of this trip was for everyone to hang out together, and there were three people I hardly even saw the whole time, and one I think I spoke a total fo three words to. I loved that a fucking clique formed. So, since I was sitting there thinking about it all so much, I was slowly getting closer to tears, and I figured out that it was because everything was just hitting me at once. It was fighting them off though, but Gibbs could tell there was something wrong. Renee woke up, came outside and pretty much ended up saving me. We went inside, and as soon as I sat down on the couch, I broke down and started to cry, and I just explained that everything was getting to me all at once.
Then Taylor went to bathroom so me and Renee went up to hang out with her for a little bit so I could also calm down a little bit. Yadda, yadda, we joked around a bit and we ended up laughing a little bit, and when I went to change my bra because the one I was wearing was poking me, Rachel came up and she could tell I was upset abouty something too, so she talked to me and I told her everything that was bothering me. Gibbs heard bits and pieces of it, and so I cried more, and went back into the room, calmed down again, then we just talked more until I ended up falling asleep.
I could have done without today. I was entirely too annoyed. There was absolutely no need for me, Steve, Garson, Taylor and Renee to be yelled at for talking loudly. First of all, it was nearly 12 in the afternoon, my day is started already by that time on weekends. Second, I wasn't talking any louder then I usually do. Everyone knows I have a naturally loud voice. Third, I'm not going to stop talking to my friends just because you spent your whole night drinking and you didn't enough sleep. Who's fault is that? Not mine.
I don't care if you drink. If I did, I wouldn't have come, but if you act like a total fucking idiot, and stay up all night, take walks at 3am, then not go to sleep til six and complain the next morning when people who are awake want to actual have a day, then yeah, I'm going to be mad. There were no complaints on Friday night when you guys were up all night talking, and giggling and doing god knows what else and keeping the rest of us awake. I didn't even get to sleep until all of them were quiet. I don't even sleep a lot as it is. There weren't any complaints when Gibbs decided to jump on everybody Saturday morning at an EARLIER hour and wake everybody up. 10 am compared to 12 pm? I'd rather be woken up obnoxiously at noon, asopposed to 10. Even Steve and Garson were awake, and they were drinking too. Also, I apologize that Rachel and John had to drive and that they only got a few hours of sleep. But who's fault was that? Did we tell them to spend all night drinking, then take a walk late at night, and not to go to bed til 6? No. And why was it Kristen that yelled at us for that, and not Rachel or John? So if there weren't any complaints when we wanted to sleep, but couldn't, how come we get yelled at for being loud when we were just starting our day, and refused to be quiet for you and your hangover? Oh yeah, that's right... because we don't drink and we like to just, apparently, think we're better than everyone because we don't fucking drink, adn I apparently bring drama everywhere I go too. That was an interesting thing to walk in on. I'm sorry for talking, but that was my vacation too.
I was hoping that this mountain trip would be an escape from all of the personal shit that was bringing me down and nothing dramatic would happen. Drama was fine, until we got shit for talking when we were awake. That, and the little clique was the only thing that annoyed me, and it probably wouldn't have even been that bad if I hadn't been thinking about so much shit, but I'm obviously not cut out to have friends or be a non-drinker then go up the mountains with those who find joy in drinking. I give up.
The first degree was a riot.
We're making sure my lesson's learned.
I'm not ashamed but I'm trying.
I've come to expect, the standards you have set.
Tell me just how dangerous is second best.
You settle for less and I'm sure you'll settle again.
There's no stopping me.
I'm gutting you out.
Does this make you feel safe?
There's no stopping this.
I'm gutting you out.
Does this make you feel safe?
Closer that I look is just,
The further that you get.
Already, stubborn skin thickens, an attempt to understand.
Understand.
There's no stopping me.
I'm gutting you out.
Does this make you feel safe?
There's no stopping this.
I'm gutting you out.
Does this make you feel safe?
You got tired, got tired.
Of waiting, of waiting.
The guilt subsides, still waiting.
The night begins.
And I know it's not what you deserve.
Came as a gift from a good friend, a good friend.
That disapproves, but understands.
You reperesent and actively encourage all of my worst habits.
They all are proof that we're both capable of,
The most terrible things.
Don't test me.
There's no stopping me.
I'm gutting you out.
Does this make you feel safe?
There's no stopping this.
I'm gutting you out.
Does this make you feel safe?
You got tired, got tired
Of waiting, of waiting.
The guilt subsides, still waiting.
The night begins.
And I know it's not what you deserve.
You got tired, got tired
Of waiting, of waiting.
The guilt subsides, still waiting.
The night begins.
And I know it's not what you deserve.
I know it's not what you deserve.
It's not what you deserve.
I know it's not what you deserve.
I know it's not what you deserve.