I'm bored.
I have some things I could work on but the entire sales staff (except me) is in training all day today and tomorrow. So I'm trying to make sure I have some things left for tomorrow. I tell you what, office work is nice... but it can be rather boring at times. Especially right now as I'm the only one in the office. Makes for a lonely work environment.
Ramblings of the twisted mind of Samantha are to follow. They are long and rather deep. **Note: reading these may be detrimental to your health or sanity as the person writing them has possibly gone temporarily insane.**
The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions. The idea of turning 24 and feeling that although I'm young, I'm nowhere near where I wanted and hoped to be at this age. I have no career, I have no path, I have no relationship and I have no idea where I'm headed. I feel as though I am just coasting through my life right now. I'm not sure how I want to define success. Part of me thinks that I have been successful. I moved out of my parents' house, bought a new car, got animals (aka my kids) and am living a reasonably independent life.
But part of me just aches for more. I feel as though I have no professional goals or aspirations. Here I am, demoted from a salaried position and forced into a secretarial job for an hourly rate. It could turn into more, but what if it doesn't? What if once I'm finished here I just move on to the next meaningless hourly job? I struggle with feeling as though I wasted my parents' money to get an incredibly expensive education that so far has gotten me nowhere. And the icing on that bitter cake is that I have no idea what direction to head in from here.
I ache to find that man who is going to love me with everything he has. I am tired of falling for men who can't give me what I want and need. I am tired of rejection leaving me with the feeling that I'm not good enough. In my head I know I am, but in my heart, especially on those lonely cold nights, it's easy to lose sight of that fact. This summer I felt so amazing and so worth it. Summer has faded into a cold winter that just pushes me aside into cold isolation and the arms of the loneliness I long to avoid. I'm tired of coming home to a room empty of human company and love.
I have tried so hard to open my heart, eyes and ears to the Lord so that I may hear his direction. But so far all I hear are the bitter winds of winter laughing at me, telling me I'll never be good enough at anything or for anyone. I can put on the happy act. I've grown comfortable in it. But underneath the layers is the core of me that is so scared and depressed. I'm trying to get back into taking my medication everyday and I know it made a difference in me this summer. But it's easy to see why I was happy: apartment, dog, job, salary, health insurance, boy who treated me like I was the only one he looked at. I may have been happy regardless of the medication I pumped through my veins. But now... everything seems to have fallen through the cracks and I am left here, all alone, forced to delve into the depths of my heart and soul and try to figure out what's real and what's an act; what's real and what's medication. What's me?
I feel so mentally and emotionally exhausted right now. I feel so overwhelmed by these fears and anxieties. My two biggest fears are being alone and the fear of failure. Everyday seems to push harder on me with the facts that I'm alone and I'm failing at life. Ok, so failing at life is an exaggeration, but there are times when I feel that strongly about my fear of failing coming true.
Wow, sorry to get all crazy deep on everyone but my mind has just been clinging to these emotions, ideas and fears lately. I needed to get them out and I'm not sure I'm done getting them out. There may be more entries to follow that are similar to this one. Hopefully tonight I am going to have dinner with kevin and try to get some things straightened out. I want to try to get some closure on it or start over and try to see what's there. I really like him and all I want is the chance to see whether anything will ever come of the chemistry and the friendship. I am hoping to have a conversation that is productive.
I just want the chance to be happy and I feel like I deserve that.
Ramblings of the twisted mind of Samantha are to follow. They are long and rather deep. **Note: reading these may be detrimental to your health or sanity as the person writing them has possibly gone temporarily insane.**
The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions. The idea of turning 24 and feeling that although I'm young, I'm nowhere near where I wanted and hoped to be at this age. I have no career, I have no path, I have no relationship and I have no idea where I'm headed. I feel as though I am just coasting through my life right now. I'm not sure how I want to define success. Part of me thinks that I have been successful. I moved out of my parents' house, bought a new car, got animals (aka my kids) and am living a reasonably independent life.
But part of me just aches for more. I feel as though I have no professional goals or aspirations. Here I am, demoted from a salaried position and forced into a secretarial job for an hourly rate. It could turn into more, but what if it doesn't? What if once I'm finished here I just move on to the next meaningless hourly job? I struggle with feeling as though I wasted my parents' money to get an incredibly expensive education that so far has gotten me nowhere. And the icing on that bitter cake is that I have no idea what direction to head in from here.
I ache to find that man who is going to love me with everything he has. I am tired of falling for men who can't give me what I want and need. I am tired of rejection leaving me with the feeling that I'm not good enough. In my head I know I am, but in my heart, especially on those lonely cold nights, it's easy to lose sight of that fact. This summer I felt so amazing and so worth it. Summer has faded into a cold winter that just pushes me aside into cold isolation and the arms of the loneliness I long to avoid. I'm tired of coming home to a room empty of human company and love.
I have tried so hard to open my heart, eyes and ears to the Lord so that I may hear his direction. But so far all I hear are the bitter winds of winter laughing at me, telling me I'll never be good enough at anything or for anyone. I can put on the happy act. I've grown comfortable in it. But underneath the layers is the core of me that is so scared and depressed. I'm trying to get back into taking my medication everyday and I know it made a difference in me this summer. But it's easy to see why I was happy: apartment, dog, job, salary, health insurance, boy who treated me like I was the only one he looked at. I may have been happy regardless of the medication I pumped through my veins. But now... everything seems to have fallen through the cracks and I am left here, all alone, forced to delve into the depths of my heart and soul and try to figure out what's real and what's an act; what's real and what's medication. What's me?
I feel so mentally and emotionally exhausted right now. I feel so overwhelmed by these fears and anxieties. My two biggest fears are being alone and the fear of failure. Everyday seems to push harder on me with the facts that I'm alone and I'm failing at life. Ok, so failing at life is an exaggeration, but there are times when I feel that strongly about my fear of failing coming true.
Wow, sorry to get all crazy deep on everyone but my mind has just been clinging to these emotions, ideas and fears lately. I needed to get them out and I'm not sure I'm done getting them out. There may be more entries to follow that are similar to this one. Hopefully tonight I am going to have dinner with kevin and try to get some things straightened out. I want to try to get some closure on it or start over and try to see what's there. I really like him and all I want is the chance to see whether anything will ever come of the chemistry and the friendship. I am hoping to have a conversation that is productive.
I just want the chance to be happy and I feel like I deserve that.