(no subject)
Last night was filled with fitful sleep. I feel horrible this morning. Worn out and dumpy. I haven't cried myself to sleep much in the last year or so. I was doing so well on feeling better about myself and my life. I suppose that's what happens when everything seems to be fine though. This summer was amazing. I had a job that paid me a salary and allowed me to move out and allowed me to get my baby Chauncey and I had a boy who actually wanted to spend time with me and made me feel super sexy and worth spending time with.
Now I feel like I'm back to square one. I know I'm starting my new job on Monday but I'm scared and until I really know what it's like I can only be so happy about it. I mean yes, it's a new opportunity and I am so thankful to get out from this hell hole called Gallagher's where I was treated so badly... but I'm not able to be super cheerful about it yet. I despise the Grahams for making me feel so worthless and making me so unhappy. I really used to love my job and where I worked and now I do nothing but loathe it. That hurts my heart... maybe I'm too compassionate or emotional or something like that. In addition to all of that I am struggling with the Kevin situation. I have tried to start moving on but I guess everything else that is making me so unhappy right now is making it hard to do. I have tried not talking to him (was good for about 2 weeks except when necessary at work) but I just felt the urge to let him know how I really feel. Yeah, I have been telling him bits and pieces but never the whole truth. Last night I left him a voicemail telling him that I think I started to fall in love with him this summer and that I guess I invested more emotionally into us having sex than I planned and more than he ivested in it and that's why I can't talk to him and be his friend. I also shared with him that it's hard for me though because I really care for him and have these huge physical desires to be with him. Yesterday it was all I could do not to just pull him into dry storage and plant a big one on his lips. And although I'm sure he'd like it and we'd make out if I tried that, the end result probably would just hurt me more than I hurt now. But it just blows. I just want to feel like I'm worth something again. This situation at work has drained me of a lot of my self-esteem; the very self esteem that I've worked so hard to gain back since the whole terrible situation with Mikey/Hope College senior year of hell.
I went out last night with Colleen to a bar to listen to a band with people she works with and had a really good time all considering I didn't know anyone there but her. On the way home though I just lost it. I just cried and cried and cried because I'm just not happy. I restrained from calling Kevin and saying something stupid on his voicemail which was good. I'm not sure I would've been able to control what I said because although I wasn't drunk, I was intoxicated and we all know how much I talk as it is. Get some alcohol in me and I can't control what I say.
I guess I can't control what I say when I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted either... I'm starting to babble. Sorry to bore you all with the unhappiness that is me right now. Everyone has their ups and downs. I guess I'm in another down time right now.
Thank you Colleen for taking me out last night. I'm glad that you cared enough to make sure I had a good time.
Now I feel like I'm back to square one. I know I'm starting my new job on Monday but I'm scared and until I really know what it's like I can only be so happy about it. I mean yes, it's a new opportunity and I am so thankful to get out from this hell hole called Gallagher's where I was treated so badly... but I'm not able to be super cheerful about it yet. I despise the Grahams for making me feel so worthless and making me so unhappy. I really used to love my job and where I worked and now I do nothing but loathe it. That hurts my heart... maybe I'm too compassionate or emotional or something like that. In addition to all of that I am struggling with the Kevin situation. I have tried to start moving on but I guess everything else that is making me so unhappy right now is making it hard to do. I have tried not talking to him (was good for about 2 weeks except when necessary at work) but I just felt the urge to let him know how I really feel. Yeah, I have been telling him bits and pieces but never the whole truth. Last night I left him a voicemail telling him that I think I started to fall in love with him this summer and that I guess I invested more emotionally into us having sex than I planned and more than he ivested in it and that's why I can't talk to him and be his friend. I also shared with him that it's hard for me though because I really care for him and have these huge physical desires to be with him. Yesterday it was all I could do not to just pull him into dry storage and plant a big one on his lips. And although I'm sure he'd like it and we'd make out if I tried that, the end result probably would just hurt me more than I hurt now. But it just blows. I just want to feel like I'm worth something again. This situation at work has drained me of a lot of my self-esteem; the very self esteem that I've worked so hard to gain back since the whole terrible situation with Mikey/Hope College senior year of hell.
I went out last night with Colleen to a bar to listen to a band with people she works with and had a really good time all considering I didn't know anyone there but her. On the way home though I just lost it. I just cried and cried and cried because I'm just not happy. I restrained from calling Kevin and saying something stupid on his voicemail which was good. I'm not sure I would've been able to control what I said because although I wasn't drunk, I was intoxicated and we all know how much I talk as it is. Get some alcohol in me and I can't control what I say.
I guess I can't control what I say when I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted either... I'm starting to babble. Sorry to bore you all with the unhappiness that is me right now. Everyone has their ups and downs. I guess I'm in another down time right now.
Thank you Colleen for taking me out last night. I'm glad that you cared enough to make sure I had a good time.