lovesick...
Why does having to wait another week feel impossible?? and why does having already waited 3 weeks feel like its been an eternity?? I realize that I sound like a lovesick teenager (hence my title for this post)... but its just how I feel OKAY?! lol It also doesn't help that I haven't talked to him at all today besides an email I got at like 9 am this morning... stupid lack of cell towers in stupid Maine lol (wow that was a mature statement ha ha)... and its almost midnight where he is, and he hasn't called... which means he probably won't today... I don't know how people used to have long distance relationships without cell phones... maybe that's why they didn't have long distance relationships as often 20 years ago... Oh well I only have to wait another week... that's no SO bad right?...
In other news... I am back in St Louis and am happy to report that its beginning to feel more and more like home the longer I stay here... I'm glad that I finally feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be and can finally see myself settling down... I finally feel HAPPY... and not like I'm still searching for something... I'm content, I have my friends and family, I'm in love that I can see myself in for the long haul, and I'm getting paid to do what I love... It's nice to not feel like I don't know what my next move is going to be or where I'll be a year from now... Definitely something I have to get used to though...
I've also been recently freaking out about what I'm going to do *gasp* AFTER I have to stop dancing... I know shocking right?? I mean obviously I'll have a whole host of issues about losing my dancer "identity" and all that, but in a more practical sense, I've been pondering what exactly I want to do... and more importantly how I'll support myself past age 35 (not saying I'm even close to garnering enough income to support myself fully now... but yea at least I'm HALF supporting myself lol)
I mean on paper I'm doing everything right I suppose... I am living my dream AND still going to school... My major is psychology and I know that I want to help dancers through all their craziness... that's how I want to stay in the dance world... Helping all the ballerinas who are driven to crazy by the search for perfection and the constant vision of themselves in a leotard in front of a mirror (ha ha)... I mean I'm not saying I want to help the actually certifiably insane (a la Black Swan lol) just help normal dancers battle the demons we all keep closeted in our minds everyday... The problem is I have no idea how to go about doing this once I get this degree I'm halfway through getting...
Who knows... maybe I will end up being the crazy old ballet teacher I swore I wouldn't become, but as long as I have my friends, family, and (future) husband I'll be okay :-)
Okay enough of my rambling since (obviously) no one will even read or comment on this lmao... I can't believe I just spent like 20 min writing this for NO ONE ;-P and why I'm writing emoticons to no one is also beyond me...
Well it's late and I'm tired/depressed because I still have had no contact with him since I began this post...
That being said I will leave you all (again aka no one...) with some country lyrics that are particularly romantic and sickeningly sweet... Basically how I've increasingly been feeling... Hopefully I won't become completely crazy by the time he comes back to St Louis next weekend... if only I had ballet to keep me sane at
least... okay anyways... the lyrics I promised like 5 min ago lol... They are reminiscent of what I was feeling approximately 4 months ago ;-) <3:
"Inside, baby inside
Can you feel the butterflies?
Floating all around
Cuz I can sure feel them now
Tonight, maybe tonight
Is a start of a beautiful ride
that will never end
And baby I’ve got a feeling
This could be one of those memories
We want to hold on to, cling to,
One we can’t forget
Baby, this could be our last first kiss
The door to forever
What if this was that moment
That chance worth taking
History in the making"
I realize that when people go on and on about love, they're pretty much the only one that ACTUALLY cares about it (besides maybe their mother lol)... but I don't care... I'm in love and that's that... you all (if anyone is actually reading this) has to deal with it ;-)
Okay enough's enough for tonight... good night livejournal :-)
In other news... I am back in St Louis and am happy to report that its beginning to feel more and more like home the longer I stay here... I'm glad that I finally feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be and can finally see myself settling down... I finally feel HAPPY... and not like I'm still searching for something... I'm content, I have my friends and family, I'm in love that I can see myself in for the long haul, and I'm getting paid to do what I love... It's nice to not feel like I don't know what my next move is going to be or where I'll be a year from now... Definitely something I have to get used to though...
I've also been recently freaking out about what I'm going to do *gasp* AFTER I have to stop dancing... I know shocking right?? I mean obviously I'll have a whole host of issues about losing my dancer "identity" and all that, but in a more practical sense, I've been pondering what exactly I want to do... and more importantly how I'll support myself past age 35 (not saying I'm even close to garnering enough income to support myself fully now... but yea at least I'm HALF supporting myself lol)
I mean on paper I'm doing everything right I suppose... I am living my dream AND still going to school... My major is psychology and I know that I want to help dancers through all their craziness... that's how I want to stay in the dance world... Helping all the ballerinas who are driven to crazy by the search for perfection and the constant vision of themselves in a leotard in front of a mirror (ha ha)... I mean I'm not saying I want to help the actually certifiably insane (a la Black Swan lol) just help normal dancers battle the demons we all keep closeted in our minds everyday... The problem is I have no idea how to go about doing this once I get this degree I'm halfway through getting...
Who knows... maybe I will end up being the crazy old ballet teacher I swore I wouldn't become, but as long as I have my friends, family, and (future) husband I'll be okay :-)
Okay enough of my rambling since (obviously) no one will even read or comment on this lmao... I can't believe I just spent like 20 min writing this for NO ONE ;-P and why I'm writing emoticons to no one is also beyond me...
Well it's late and I'm tired/depressed because I still have had no contact with him since I began this post...
That being said I will leave you all (again aka no one...) with some country lyrics that are particularly romantic and sickeningly sweet... Basically how I've increasingly been feeling... Hopefully I won't become completely crazy by the time he comes back to St Louis next weekend... if only I had ballet to keep me sane at
least... okay anyways... the lyrics I promised like 5 min ago lol... They are reminiscent of what I was feeling approximately 4 months ago ;-) <3:
"Inside, baby inside
Can you feel the butterflies?
Floating all around
Cuz I can sure feel them now
Tonight, maybe tonight
Is a start of a beautiful ride
that will never end
And baby I’ve got a feeling
This could be one of those memories
We want to hold on to, cling to,
One we can’t forget
Baby, this could be our last first kiss
The door to forever
What if this was that moment
That chance worth taking
History in the making"
I realize that when people go on and on about love, they're pretty much the only one that ACTUALLY cares about it (besides maybe their mother lol)... but I don't care... I'm in love and that's that... you all (if anyone is actually reading this) has to deal with it ;-)
Okay enough's enough for tonight... good night livejournal :-)