emotional vomit
I have simultaneously discovered that life, experience and self are much more complicated than I thought, and that perhaps i should think less ABOUT them, and spend more time enjoying them.
I believe that perhaps most of my unhappiness is created by myself. I take a look around and I say "Look at this, and this and that, and that points there and this will be this and someday perhaps what if maybe then it will all be terrible!!!" and I cry. How much energy and emotion do I waste on adding up all the ingedients to predict or interpret a disaster in my midst? How much of my sadness is attributed to actual things being said or done to me? Very little. Most of the time I'm seriously putting together observations to come to some fatal conclusion - I'm not good enough, I've hurt someone, No one likes me, I am going to fail no matter how I try.
It seems to me this is a terrible practice. Why? Why do this to myself? Especially when half the time I'm wrong, and half of the time there's nothing that can be done about it. So perhaps I should just stop thinking so much.
What's amusing about this, is that, simultaneously, I've discovered that there is a richness to most things where all my brain power cannot predict or correctly assimilate something into a category. Good or bad? Stay or go? Seemingly simply questions but they are not. For all of how smart I am, there's no answer. What's "worth it?" Who knows. No one can know.
Ex: I am not comfortable in my relationship. I am not relaxed. But I am not leaving, either. Whenever I get anywhere near close to just giving up because the whole thing is so hard and I'm not comfortable and he refuses to help make me comfortable blah blah blah - I practically hyperventilate. I can't go. Staying is agony. But the more I think about it, the more upset I get and for what? I can't know if it's "worth it" or not. I can't know where this is going. I could be comfortable, and we could break up anyway next week. I can't know no matter how I happen to feel about it. Security is a myth. Nothing is secure. You just sometimes feel secure. So maybe I should just stop thinking about it and enjoy it while it's here. Because otherwise I, in my mind, almost break up with him twice a week and have a heartattack. So maybe I should just stop thinking. Then maybe I could enjoy my relationship instead trying to pin down an unpinable future together.
Things would be easier without movies. If I see one more cute proposal scene I will kill someone.
It is so hard to feel this all-out forever love in the face of ambiguity. I end up having to shove it back down deep inside and wait for someday in the future when it will be appropriate.
OH MY GOD I HATE BEING A WOMAN. I literally get so confused by my own emotions that sometimes I don't even know why I have any problems with our relationship!! ARGH.
I believe that perhaps most of my unhappiness is created by myself. I take a look around and I say "Look at this, and this and that, and that points there and this will be this and someday perhaps what if maybe then it will all be terrible!!!" and I cry. How much energy and emotion do I waste on adding up all the ingedients to predict or interpret a disaster in my midst? How much of my sadness is attributed to actual things being said or done to me? Very little. Most of the time I'm seriously putting together observations to come to some fatal conclusion - I'm not good enough, I've hurt someone, No one likes me, I am going to fail no matter how I try.
It seems to me this is a terrible practice. Why? Why do this to myself? Especially when half the time I'm wrong, and half of the time there's nothing that can be done about it. So perhaps I should just stop thinking so much.
What's amusing about this, is that, simultaneously, I've discovered that there is a richness to most things where all my brain power cannot predict or correctly assimilate something into a category. Good or bad? Stay or go? Seemingly simply questions but they are not. For all of how smart I am, there's no answer. What's "worth it?" Who knows. No one can know.
Ex: I am not comfortable in my relationship. I am not relaxed. But I am not leaving, either. Whenever I get anywhere near close to just giving up because the whole thing is so hard and I'm not comfortable and he refuses to help make me comfortable blah blah blah - I practically hyperventilate. I can't go. Staying is agony. But the more I think about it, the more upset I get and for what? I can't know if it's "worth it" or not. I can't know where this is going. I could be comfortable, and we could break up anyway next week. I can't know no matter how I happen to feel about it. Security is a myth. Nothing is secure. You just sometimes feel secure. So maybe I should just stop thinking about it and enjoy it while it's here. Because otherwise I, in my mind, almost break up with him twice a week and have a heartattack. So maybe I should just stop thinking. Then maybe I could enjoy my relationship instead trying to pin down an unpinable future together.
Things would be easier without movies. If I see one more cute proposal scene I will kill someone.
It is so hard to feel this all-out forever love in the face of ambiguity. I end up having to shove it back down deep inside and wait for someday in the future when it will be appropriate.
OH MY GOD I HATE BEING A WOMAN. I literally get so confused by my own emotions that sometimes I don't even know why I have any problems with our relationship!! ARGH.