here i am there i go
I am not sure the moment I snapped and perhaps i'm still snapping.
Here I sit at Jon Paul. My "boyfriend". What a great welcome I get. Him organizing his room. Every single detail.
I dont want to be home because its dirty, noisy, and full of lethargic people, in my righteous opinion
of course I can't be that righteous since I have all these issues of over pessimism, passive agressiveness, and anger, oh and also dissatisfaction with pretty much every situation I am put in.
I am coming to terms with this as I speak.
Yet I am still conflicted, Is it me or the environment. Or is it both?
I am asking you.
Coming to terms with the fact that I am leaving. Leaving the monterey bay. About one and a half years ago, August 18th, 2011, to the exact, till now November 9th, 2012. This has been my heart. It has been my home. Not it has not been my home, it's been where I chose to exist and attempt to make something while out of something that seemed to only half full. Yet everytime I have seemed to fill this satisfaction cup, you may call it, it only seemed to just get more polluted. But it was filling up, certainly. I think I just overflowed. That is what happened. Everything got to much for me.
When I was offered the job to work as a Team Leader for FEMA Corps in Sacramento, CA, it only took a flash of a moment to agree.
It was a couple of factors, I believe
1. Disgustingly dirty, noisy, "communal sitaution" that I tried to take a lead position in, but eventually lost the ambition like air sucking out of an un-knotted balloon. Messy residents. Non-paying guests that swarm to our house like flies to a decomposing piece of feces. I tried to change things, bring order, for the health and growth of the community, but they always ended in the mess re-occuring, guests gathering again, and criticism that I was too crucial -- it just broke me. I stopped caring. Those several nights of not sleeping and getting up at the crack of dawn to work while they all slept in late, woke up and made a mess, enjoy the house I worked for to pay, and then party and all night and keep me up just broke me. snap.
2. My endless search for jobs that made me feel "comfortable" like the jobs that seemed to just fall into my lap back home that never made me doubt if I was in the right space. From Liberty Tax, to Cirque, to Apple, to Rec Leader, somethings always felt wrong. Wasnt happy, maybe it's because I'm so far in debt and none of these jobs seemed to complement what I had accomplished in highschool or college. I like my current job alright, but once again I feel like theres no room for improvement, it's a dead end job. unless I want to be a directer or assistant dire.ct.....yah to put it that way, it lessens the feeling of sadness I feel because I actually really like the independence and position at my current job. Doing recreation with kids, and im the only one in charge...
awesome....
Fema corps might be a dead end as well, but they'll help me pay off these disgustingly ominously haunting loans.
3. Jon Paul, i like him, and I"ll miss him, but I'm ready for adventure, and someone to do it with me. Part of me is leaving because of him and all the memories I've made wiht him. He's the first person I noticed here. There picking up trash at Marina State Beach. But our relationship has been heavy and full of dissagrements, dissapointments, and shortcomings. I want to make the best out of this last month with him, but him being an unsatisfying boyfriend sexually, emotinally, mentally, and most of all energetically, puts me in a hard place of attachment and longing for it to be different, and an understanding that it's time to find so eone that actually complements me.
Among other things like having no real friends, and just an overall awkward and out of place feeling.
I know there's no looking back, I have to just keep charging on, not going back on what I decided and what I decided was that it was time to move on.
I cannot get myself too down on all this.
These are the things I can look forward to.
1. The excitement of a new beginning. A new job with the opportunity to work in the field and travel. Get a 6,000 eduaction award, interest paid during my service, a stipend, health and dental, and transportation paid for to get there! The money sure is attractive, but also being in charge of 8-12 people!! Maybe this will be the enlightening, awakening, and revigoration, start of my professional life I was looking for. Or it could be plunging me deeper into dissapointment and I'll still have that wrong and awkward feeling. Can I stick with being positive though? Please? God? This is the moment I call out to god?
2. Seeing my friends and family for three weeks. MOM DAD sarah, jessica, lisa, lauren, danielle, michelle, brendan, nicole, tess, dare, emily, nate, ahhhh my highschool and college worlds collids.
3. Being single and free and random. so that I can find my MH again. No more jon paul. I will be 3 hours and 30 minutes away. Hopefully the separation wont be too hard considering he is sort of close. Please God.
My goals of the future beyond the first year of Americorps is taking the opportunity to serve an additional year. I want to spend it in Denver Colorado, It's about time for me to check out the southwest.
Don't want to think too much into tha though yet right.
Lets just pray Sacrmento is not as flat and boring as I fear and I will be able to travel more.
Let me not get negative or ahead of myself.
But let me be logical and thorough with this decision. I want to make sure this is the right thing for me.
More research before I leave --
And out
Here I sit at Jon Paul. My "boyfriend". What a great welcome I get. Him organizing his room. Every single detail.
I dont want to be home because its dirty, noisy, and full of lethargic people, in my righteous opinion
of course I can't be that righteous since I have all these issues of over pessimism, passive agressiveness, and anger, oh and also dissatisfaction with pretty much every situation I am put in.
I am coming to terms with this as I speak.
Yet I am still conflicted, Is it me or the environment. Or is it both?
I am asking you.
Coming to terms with the fact that I am leaving. Leaving the monterey bay. About one and a half years ago, August 18th, 2011, to the exact, till now November 9th, 2012. This has been my heart. It has been my home. Not it has not been my home, it's been where I chose to exist and attempt to make something while out of something that seemed to only half full. Yet everytime I have seemed to fill this satisfaction cup, you may call it, it only seemed to just get more polluted. But it was filling up, certainly. I think I just overflowed. That is what happened. Everything got to much for me.
When I was offered the job to work as a Team Leader for FEMA Corps in Sacramento, CA, it only took a flash of a moment to agree.
It was a couple of factors, I believe
1. Disgustingly dirty, noisy, "communal sitaution" that I tried to take a lead position in, but eventually lost the ambition like air sucking out of an un-knotted balloon. Messy residents. Non-paying guests that swarm to our house like flies to a decomposing piece of feces. I tried to change things, bring order, for the health and growth of the community, but they always ended in the mess re-occuring, guests gathering again, and criticism that I was too crucial -- it just broke me. I stopped caring. Those several nights of not sleeping and getting up at the crack of dawn to work while they all slept in late, woke up and made a mess, enjoy the house I worked for to pay, and then party and all night and keep me up just broke me. snap.
2. My endless search for jobs that made me feel "comfortable" like the jobs that seemed to just fall into my lap back home that never made me doubt if I was in the right space. From Liberty Tax, to Cirque, to Apple, to Rec Leader, somethings always felt wrong. Wasnt happy, maybe it's because I'm so far in debt and none of these jobs seemed to complement what I had accomplished in highschool or college. I like my current job alright, but once again I feel like theres no room for improvement, it's a dead end job. unless I want to be a directer or assistant dire.ct.....yah to put it that way, it lessens the feeling of sadness I feel because I actually really like the independence and position at my current job. Doing recreation with kids, and im the only one in charge...
awesome....
Fema corps might be a dead end as well, but they'll help me pay off these disgustingly ominously haunting loans.
3. Jon Paul, i like him, and I"ll miss him, but I'm ready for adventure, and someone to do it with me. Part of me is leaving because of him and all the memories I've made wiht him. He's the first person I noticed here. There picking up trash at Marina State Beach. But our relationship has been heavy and full of dissagrements, dissapointments, and shortcomings. I want to make the best out of this last month with him, but him being an unsatisfying boyfriend sexually, emotinally, mentally, and most of all energetically, puts me in a hard place of attachment and longing for it to be different, and an understanding that it's time to find so eone that actually complements me.
Among other things like having no real friends, and just an overall awkward and out of place feeling.
I know there's no looking back, I have to just keep charging on, not going back on what I decided and what I decided was that it was time to move on.
I cannot get myself too down on all this.
These are the things I can look forward to.
1. The excitement of a new beginning. A new job with the opportunity to work in the field and travel. Get a 6,000 eduaction award, interest paid during my service, a stipend, health and dental, and transportation paid for to get there! The money sure is attractive, but also being in charge of 8-12 people!! Maybe this will be the enlightening, awakening, and revigoration, start of my professional life I was looking for. Or it could be plunging me deeper into dissapointment and I'll still have that wrong and awkward feeling. Can I stick with being positive though? Please? God? This is the moment I call out to god?
2. Seeing my friends and family for three weeks. MOM DAD sarah, jessica, lisa, lauren, danielle, michelle, brendan, nicole, tess, dare, emily, nate, ahhhh my highschool and college worlds collids.
3. Being single and free and random. so that I can find my MH again. No more jon paul. I will be 3 hours and 30 minutes away. Hopefully the separation wont be too hard considering he is sort of close. Please God.
My goals of the future beyond the first year of Americorps is taking the opportunity to serve an additional year. I want to spend it in Denver Colorado, It's about time for me to check out the southwest.
Don't want to think too much into tha though yet right.
Lets just pray Sacrmento is not as flat and boring as I fear and I will be able to travel more.
Let me not get negative or ahead of myself.
But let me be logical and thorough with this decision. I want to make sure this is the right thing for me.
More research before I leave --
And out