Stuck but beginning to become unstuck, I hope.
Christmas Eve,
So here I am in Gilroy California, east (inland) of the Monterey Bay. I have a little dog named lady, my friend rachels dog) sitting my lap, she is a bitty witty chuhuahua and rachel is at her boyfriends house for dinner.
I am all alone this Christmas, Rachel leaves tomorrow for Sacramento for a couple of days and she said I could stay here. At least I am warm.
I was staying at a hippie house in Scotts Valley California in a communal living house of around 9 residents, My friend annie wants me to live there and I thought I would too but there are some issues.
1. The house is filthy and full of beds without sheets, I am not sure where to sleep and am afraid I will get bed bugs if I sleep on any of the beds in any of the rooms.
2. I dont know where to put my stuff and I am on such a tight budget that I cannot afford to share much with others unless I am willingly bringing something in the house to share. These people act like everything's a free for all though and have just blatenly ate my food and drank my wine if I leave it anywhere in the house, so I leave it in my car. They get free food from some guy that provides food to other homeless, he stops by this house. I dont eat the food though, I keep to myself and only use my own stuff, I even refuse goods others offer because I dont want to be involved in that yet, I dont have the money and I am not used to life style.
3. Not sure how I feel about sharing a room with a guy.
4. Overall its a completely different lifestyle then im used to, not bad, but confusing. Most of the people just sit around and dont really do anything except make random art etc, I dont ever see them working. A few of them work but the majority just sit, not car, etc, most are young, so I am assuming they get everything paid for like my friend Annie, who set me up with the house.
Annie is a whole another story, she is trying very hard to live a very low impact and sustainable life, but I have some issues with her. First, she has been taking care of a ranch with some animals in Aptos aboue 15 min away. First night she offered me stay there so I did, then she hit on me and I kinda refused her, just kinda ignored the requests. I dont know if I am really into girls, especially right now, plus I did not want to ruin out friend ship. She seemed angry the next day, suddely, so Idk if that was the cause. The next day I get home from job searching all day and shes back and wants to ride her bike like 15 miles in the dark to aptos. In the summer, during the day, with no responsibilities and fears of homelessness and poverty, I might have said yes, but no I didnt. She called me indecissive cuz I didnt understand why she wanted to do that and I didnt want to. She wanted to leave me there for reaons 1 stated: so I could get used to the roomies. 2. unstated: she invited a guy over. you know. she really likes men.
So she left and I'm left wiht the roomies. Most of the roomies are nice except for some one scene bitch girl whose tahnkfully moving out, one guy I really like because he lives in this transformed van in the front yard wiht like a big screen monitor, running water, heat, etc. He was sick of living with his mom and literally pimped out his van, and now he works at home depot and makes wonderful jewelry, he gave me a flower and i bought some earrings.
I was sleeping outside in a tent though which proved to be too cold for me. Everything in the house was pretty much begging me to sleep inside b/c it drops below 32 during the night up there, but the house was just too dirty, didnt know where to sleep, and I didnt want to impose that much since I'm not paying rent. But its just too cold, cant even sleep on my back, wake up every 30 min, I met with annie the past day and told her of the issues, she said shed work on it, but couldnt fix everything like me getting my own room -- im not expecting that persay, but it would be nic eto stay in a room wiht JUST girls, idk i could get used to it. but i dk if its worth my 350 to live there under current conditions. She says on the porch now and used to stsy in one of the rooms, she obviousley moved out of the rooms for a reason, so I'm sure she understands my logic. She said i could have the porch room though, idk overall its just too much for me RIGHT now.
So I am staying in Gilroy the next couple of days at this house by myself. I skyped my parents for a few hours and we watched a movie and it was awesome, still not the complete same being not physically there, but thank god for technology. Tomorrow I will do the same. ANnie invited me to oakland for a dinner, but i've seen what she REALLy cares about, and I dont want to make that mistake and have it depress me on an already depressing Xmas, I"d rather be home alone and then skype my parents.
Basically, I tried to find a job here before exams, was unsucessful because 1. Everyone wants to live here, so so many people applying for 1 job 2. Economy sucks in America, ESPECIALLY in Cali where they cant even balance their budget correctly and has so many budget cuts its unreal. 3. Theres just no jobs in some of the areas I'm in.
Then exams came and I had to take care of that. I did well on all of them except biology, its a flip of the coin whether I passed or not. No grades yet. Wont have them till after Xmas. If I passed biology, I get my degree, If i dont, then I do not. I need at least a C
I never bought a plane ticket either and by the time I wanted to they were like 600-1000 dollars.
This semester was an experience, but I would not consider it excellent. Met people, but noone that really satisfied my need to find someone that really cared and appreciated me and that I truly connected with. Infact, I had really bad boyfriends, but reunitations with past boyfriends. Girl friends I thought were my friends turn out to not really be my friends or care about me, and by my last night in my East Campus House in Marina, I was alone. I did become friends with my roomates because of one of my bad bf with good people skills, but she wanted to play videogames my last night and not hang out with me. Idk I can't complain, the only reason I want to stay is because I like the environment and I believe that I really didnt find what I came to find in california, and that was the radness, chillness, true, awesomeness, in people. I found it in culture, and on the surface of people , but did not have the time to weed through the people who just werent right for me.
Bad situation I got myself into, but the struggle is good but not too good. I am still looking for work in California and North Carolina, really the only two places I want to live. Basically I want to live in the SF/Monterery Bay area, or Asheville, NC. Have found a few leads on some cool jobs here and there, but lots of planning will need to be done to interview at these places. In fact, I might fly back on Jan 3rd, drive to asheville with sarah, do a job interview for a outdoor guide for a substance abuse recovery center, then fly back to do interviews for state parks jobs, non profit env. orgs, and a cool historical boat guide for a wetland in the area. Complicated and expensive, my parents are helping, I dont ask for much though. Got nothing for xmas and have not bought any clothes or anything except travel, food and drinks this whole experience. I am glad my parents are so supportive, the understand how hard I've worked and I spend day in and day out applying to jobs online and going to Santa Cruz area to find jobs.
One thing I dont have figured out: Where I really want to live. I love California's environment, but I love the people in North Carolina, I am bored of the environment there though. Although I love the people, I'm not sure how much I'd really hang out with anyone that much even if I lived there. My dream would be to be able to fly home frequently for most holidays and have people visit me etc, but I am still broke, homeless, without a job, and living out of my car, so big decisions need to be made.
The only thing I am happy about is that I have found a few good jobs and I am working towards sucess. I just hope that everything starts falling into place and the fog clears so I can see the path that is going to be the best for me.
I will be So happy if I do get to fly home on January 3rd, just to see my parents for 1.5 days then off to my interview in ashevile where I will see Sarah and hopefully emily and nate who are getting a house there. And maybe I will be able to see lisa, and jessica, and aileen? That would be good. Lauren I'd like to see, but she doesn't make time for me, so I cannot count on her. Love her, but thats the way it is.
Anyway, I am glad to be warm and wiht this cute dog STILL on my lap, the best I can ask for at this moment.
Tomorrow is Christmas, then new years, I have a ton of resolutions and a ton of things I want to accomplish.
Tomorrow I will apply to more jobs, skype my parents, and watch the sunset.
So here I am in Gilroy California, east (inland) of the Monterey Bay. I have a little dog named lady, my friend rachels dog) sitting my lap, she is a bitty witty chuhuahua and rachel is at her boyfriends house for dinner.
I am all alone this Christmas, Rachel leaves tomorrow for Sacramento for a couple of days and she said I could stay here. At least I am warm.
I was staying at a hippie house in Scotts Valley California in a communal living house of around 9 residents, My friend annie wants me to live there and I thought I would too but there are some issues.
1. The house is filthy and full of beds without sheets, I am not sure where to sleep and am afraid I will get bed bugs if I sleep on any of the beds in any of the rooms.
2. I dont know where to put my stuff and I am on such a tight budget that I cannot afford to share much with others unless I am willingly bringing something in the house to share. These people act like everything's a free for all though and have just blatenly ate my food and drank my wine if I leave it anywhere in the house, so I leave it in my car. They get free food from some guy that provides food to other homeless, he stops by this house. I dont eat the food though, I keep to myself and only use my own stuff, I even refuse goods others offer because I dont want to be involved in that yet, I dont have the money and I am not used to life style.
3. Not sure how I feel about sharing a room with a guy.
4. Overall its a completely different lifestyle then im used to, not bad, but confusing. Most of the people just sit around and dont really do anything except make random art etc, I dont ever see them working. A few of them work but the majority just sit, not car, etc, most are young, so I am assuming they get everything paid for like my friend Annie, who set me up with the house.
Annie is a whole another story, she is trying very hard to live a very low impact and sustainable life, but I have some issues with her. First, she has been taking care of a ranch with some animals in Aptos aboue 15 min away. First night she offered me stay there so I did, then she hit on me and I kinda refused her, just kinda ignored the requests. I dont know if I am really into girls, especially right now, plus I did not want to ruin out friend ship. She seemed angry the next day, suddely, so Idk if that was the cause. The next day I get home from job searching all day and shes back and wants to ride her bike like 15 miles in the dark to aptos. In the summer, during the day, with no responsibilities and fears of homelessness and poverty, I might have said yes, but no I didnt. She called me indecissive cuz I didnt understand why she wanted to do that and I didnt want to. She wanted to leave me there for reaons 1 stated: so I could get used to the roomies. 2. unstated: she invited a guy over. you know. she really likes men.
So she left and I'm left wiht the roomies. Most of the roomies are nice except for some one scene bitch girl whose tahnkfully moving out, one guy I really like because he lives in this transformed van in the front yard wiht like a big screen monitor, running water, heat, etc. He was sick of living with his mom and literally pimped out his van, and now he works at home depot and makes wonderful jewelry, he gave me a flower and i bought some earrings.
I was sleeping outside in a tent though which proved to be too cold for me. Everything in the house was pretty much begging me to sleep inside b/c it drops below 32 during the night up there, but the house was just too dirty, didnt know where to sleep, and I didnt want to impose that much since I'm not paying rent. But its just too cold, cant even sleep on my back, wake up every 30 min, I met with annie the past day and told her of the issues, she said shed work on it, but couldnt fix everything like me getting my own room -- im not expecting that persay, but it would be nic eto stay in a room wiht JUST girls, idk i could get used to it. but i dk if its worth my 350 to live there under current conditions. She says on the porch now and used to stsy in one of the rooms, she obviousley moved out of the rooms for a reason, so I'm sure she understands my logic. She said i could have the porch room though, idk overall its just too much for me RIGHT now.
So I am staying in Gilroy the next couple of days at this house by myself. I skyped my parents for a few hours and we watched a movie and it was awesome, still not the complete same being not physically there, but thank god for technology. Tomorrow I will do the same. ANnie invited me to oakland for a dinner, but i've seen what she REALLy cares about, and I dont want to make that mistake and have it depress me on an already depressing Xmas, I"d rather be home alone and then skype my parents.
Basically, I tried to find a job here before exams, was unsucessful because 1. Everyone wants to live here, so so many people applying for 1 job 2. Economy sucks in America, ESPECIALLY in Cali where they cant even balance their budget correctly and has so many budget cuts its unreal. 3. Theres just no jobs in some of the areas I'm in.
Then exams came and I had to take care of that. I did well on all of them except biology, its a flip of the coin whether I passed or not. No grades yet. Wont have them till after Xmas. If I passed biology, I get my degree, If i dont, then I do not. I need at least a C
I never bought a plane ticket either and by the time I wanted to they were like 600-1000 dollars.
This semester was an experience, but I would not consider it excellent. Met people, but noone that really satisfied my need to find someone that really cared and appreciated me and that I truly connected with. Infact, I had really bad boyfriends, but reunitations with past boyfriends. Girl friends I thought were my friends turn out to not really be my friends or care about me, and by my last night in my East Campus House in Marina, I was alone. I did become friends with my roomates because of one of my bad bf with good people skills, but she wanted to play videogames my last night and not hang out with me. Idk I can't complain, the only reason I want to stay is because I like the environment and I believe that I really didnt find what I came to find in california, and that was the radness, chillness, true, awesomeness, in people. I found it in culture, and on the surface of people , but did not have the time to weed through the people who just werent right for me.
Bad situation I got myself into, but the struggle is good but not too good. I am still looking for work in California and North Carolina, really the only two places I want to live. Basically I want to live in the SF/Monterery Bay area, or Asheville, NC. Have found a few leads on some cool jobs here and there, but lots of planning will need to be done to interview at these places. In fact, I might fly back on Jan 3rd, drive to asheville with sarah, do a job interview for a outdoor guide for a substance abuse recovery center, then fly back to do interviews for state parks jobs, non profit env. orgs, and a cool historical boat guide for a wetland in the area. Complicated and expensive, my parents are helping, I dont ask for much though. Got nothing for xmas and have not bought any clothes or anything except travel, food and drinks this whole experience. I am glad my parents are so supportive, the understand how hard I've worked and I spend day in and day out applying to jobs online and going to Santa Cruz area to find jobs.
One thing I dont have figured out: Where I really want to live. I love California's environment, but I love the people in North Carolina, I am bored of the environment there though. Although I love the people, I'm not sure how much I'd really hang out with anyone that much even if I lived there. My dream would be to be able to fly home frequently for most holidays and have people visit me etc, but I am still broke, homeless, without a job, and living out of my car, so big decisions need to be made.
The only thing I am happy about is that I have found a few good jobs and I am working towards sucess. I just hope that everything starts falling into place and the fog clears so I can see the path that is going to be the best for me.
I will be So happy if I do get to fly home on January 3rd, just to see my parents for 1.5 days then off to my interview in ashevile where I will see Sarah and hopefully emily and nate who are getting a house there. And maybe I will be able to see lisa, and jessica, and aileen? That would be good. Lauren I'd like to see, but she doesn't make time for me, so I cannot count on her. Love her, but thats the way it is.
Anyway, I am glad to be warm and wiht this cute dog STILL on my lap, the best I can ask for at this moment.
Tomorrow is Christmas, then new years, I have a ton of resolutions and a ton of things I want to accomplish.
Tomorrow I will apply to more jobs, skype my parents, and watch the sunset.