changes of the spirit, mind and heart.....
a few days ago in the afternoon casey and i walked to starbucks to get some yummy coffee goodness. i'm usually not a starbucks kinda guy...i tend to go for the local coffee shops, but ever since a friend who works there got me addicted to the marble mocha maciado there's no turning back. it's pretty bad...i've been going once a day, but if i had it my way i'd be going 30 times a day. so while we were there we saw quite possibly the most beautiful baby girl i had ever seen. this baby with the 2 teeth and adorable smile led us to have the following conversation.
so, we were hanging out by the wall drinking our overpriced caffeinated beverages when that baby girl's sweet face crossed my mind again. i looked at casey and said "my life is half over." i know i took her by surprise cuz she didn't really have words and that doesn't happen often. now, i'm not usually a morbid/negative person. i learned at a very early age that there was no point in getting worked up and depressed over things i can't control...especially my disability...but there are appropriate times when it feels right to visit that space and reassess my life and why those negative feelings are creeping up on me. i recognize that saying i have lived half of my life may be a bit presumptuous and for all i know that could be completely false considering doctors are morons and originally told my parents my brother and i wouldn't live past 10. they obviously had never read 1 page about sma. the world is forever changing and who knows what kind of medical marvels will be around in the years to come. even though i know all this, it doesn't erase the fact that i feel like i'm waisting my time. i've been doing the same damn thing for 6 years...i've lived here for 3...and i'm tired of it. i've known for the longest time that school is not for me, but haven't had the will to make a change. as for my life in portland...i moved here at a time in my life when i really needed what this city had to offer me. now i know that i have learned everything i need to learn and experienced everything i need to experience from living here. in my gut, i'm being pulled back to nh. my plan is to stick out the semester here and use that time to get everything in order. i want to be closer to my family, to pam, to jme, to garret and being closer to lindz is def a plus as well. when i picture what i want for myself i see an apartment/house in nashua, a job in the social services field (starting that process already), playing a bigger part in garret's life (to help pam out financially and relieve some stress but most of all because i love that little boy more than words can express}, working on my book lots and lots and seeking out publishers, but most of all working toward my goal of being a parent. (that's where that beautiful baby girl from the beginning plays into this.) i understand that becoming a parent doesn't happen over night and that i can't make a family appear out of nowhere, but it's a very serious from the bottom of my heart goal that i have whether or not i share that with the love of my life (meaning who i might or might not end up with.) i also understand that this could and should take lots of time to develop and i'm ok with that. i just can't begin this journey while i'm stuck in this idle state of being. i know from the depths of my soul that i am ready for the next stage of my life and i know that involves starting over in nh.
so here's to changes and to new beginnings!
and to happiness!
and to love! ;)
so, we were hanging out by the wall drinking our overpriced caffeinated beverages when that baby girl's sweet face crossed my mind again. i looked at casey and said "my life is half over." i know i took her by surprise cuz she didn't really have words and that doesn't happen often. now, i'm not usually a morbid/negative person. i learned at a very early age that there was no point in getting worked up and depressed over things i can't control...especially my disability...but there are appropriate times when it feels right to visit that space and reassess my life and why those negative feelings are creeping up on me. i recognize that saying i have lived half of my life may be a bit presumptuous and for all i know that could be completely false considering doctors are morons and originally told my parents my brother and i wouldn't live past 10. they obviously had never read 1 page about sma. the world is forever changing and who knows what kind of medical marvels will be around in the years to come. even though i know all this, it doesn't erase the fact that i feel like i'm waisting my time. i've been doing the same damn thing for 6 years...i've lived here for 3...and i'm tired of it. i've known for the longest time that school is not for me, but haven't had the will to make a change. as for my life in portland...i moved here at a time in my life when i really needed what this city had to offer me. now i know that i have learned everything i need to learn and experienced everything i need to experience from living here. in my gut, i'm being pulled back to nh. my plan is to stick out the semester here and use that time to get everything in order. i want to be closer to my family, to pam, to jme, to garret and being closer to lindz is def a plus as well. when i picture what i want for myself i see an apartment/house in nashua, a job in the social services field (starting that process already), playing a bigger part in garret's life (to help pam out financially and relieve some stress but most of all because i love that little boy more than words can express}, working on my book lots and lots and seeking out publishers, but most of all working toward my goal of being a parent. (that's where that beautiful baby girl from the beginning plays into this.) i understand that becoming a parent doesn't happen over night and that i can't make a family appear out of nowhere, but it's a very serious from the bottom of my heart goal that i have whether or not i share that with the love of my life (meaning who i might or might not end up with.) i also understand that this could and should take lots of time to develop and i'm ok with that. i just can't begin this journey while i'm stuck in this idle state of being. i know from the depths of my soul that i am ready for the next stage of my life and i know that involves starting over in nh.
so here's to changes and to new beginnings!
and to happiness!
and to love! ;)