(no subject)
A pensive play. I laughed a little too loudly because it was a little too familiar, too much introspection, too much fear, too much a sense of being put on a course that seems to lead nowhere, and only ends abruptly.
I know I cannot control the forces at work in my life. Indeed, control is the farthest thing from what I can do. From the moment I saw the first gleaming smile I knew already the course I was being locked into, and now though I may want to get off the boat, there is only going onwards.
I know where this is going to end but I never really had a choice in the matter, did I? No threats will make the universe behave. No "but it's my life"s will change what I know with growing certainty; what will happen has been what I knew would happen the day I found myself going home with a strange smile on my face.
What I hate is the inevitability of it all. I will be destroyed by two unstoppable forces clashing over me. The only question is when. Tomorrow? Probably not. In the next two months? In the next six months? Ten years from now when I've forgotten this feeling? Is it worth it to push it back further, and further, and further? Does it make any difference?
I know I cannot control the forces at work in my life. Indeed, control is the farthest thing from what I can do. From the moment I saw the first gleaming smile I knew already the course I was being locked into, and now though I may want to get off the boat, there is only going onwards.
I know where this is going to end but I never really had a choice in the matter, did I? No threats will make the universe behave. No "but it's my life"s will change what I know with growing certainty; what will happen has been what I knew would happen the day I found myself going home with a strange smile on my face.
What I hate is the inevitability of it all. I will be destroyed by two unstoppable forces clashing over me. The only question is when. Tomorrow? Probably not. In the next two months? In the next six months? Ten years from now when I've forgotten this feeling? Is it worth it to push it back further, and further, and further? Does it make any difference?