Nov 24, 2008 15:45
Well, this is a first: a trilogy of blargh entries that has nothing to do with fashion or music! This will be the last entry about my recent fall and hopefully subsequent rise.
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The other day I visited Ms. H and her family. The routine is almost always the same: we eat, drink, and chat about nothing in particular, and then very suddenly the conversation turns towards my love life. See, I would visit them sometimes when I was still living in Hokkaido and I would tell them about my girl problems. I pretty quickly got a reputation as someone who is too popular for his own good and so gets into trouble often, and every time I see them they ask me `What now?` What`s sad is that I usually do have some new development.
Like this time with the fortune-telling single mother! But as always, my problems reminded them of some other topic and they drunkenly barreled down that path, leaving me stranded with no advice. The only consolation I got was from Ms. H`s younger daughter, who told me that she emphathizes with my problem because, understandably, she too is too popular with the opposite sex.
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But laying out all my thoughts and asking for your advice has helped me lots. Being confronted face to face with fatherhood and knowing without a doubt that I am not ready is comforting simply because it is something concrete I can hold on to, like a rock jutting out of the water in a maelstorm. I am looking for something casual and that is simply something I have not been seeing, and there is nothing wrong with that. Ms. H`s younger daughter said that Japanese folks are generally too serious about love and so ruin friendships on their own, which has been my experience too. That doesn`t release me from guilt, but at least I can share it, ha ha.
The question I kept asking and the Hs kept ignoring was `What do I say to my friends who are girls to prevent this from happening again?` School nurse in particular I am worried about. I consider her my best friend in Yokohama and if I lost her as a friend I`d be fucking miserable (especially since we work together every day), but everyone says she likes me. I keep telling her I don`t want to get married (which is true) and that I don`t even want a girlfriend (generally a lie, but specifically true for her). I think I`m doing by right by her, but who can really tell?
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Anyways, I`ve once again come to the conclusion that I just need to put up with being lonely for the time being. I`ve done it for four years and I can do it some more. I`m good at being single, ha ha.
(PS Remember that sea entry? That still holds true as it is eternal and will only end violently and/or painfully, but not even her would I marry until I was ready, which is not now. I wait and wait and wait!)