Incase You Didn't Know, I'm Kind of Fucked in the Head
Longbough, "Do you think that after all the people we've maimed and killed, taking one baby from it's mother really matters in God's eyes?"
Parker, "It matters."
Not sure if I got the quote word for word, but it's still a pretty good question. Can one action really change a person's destiny, or affect their salvation in this case? If you live a life of sin and debauchery but see the error of your ways seconds before you die would God even give it a second glance?
People want to say yes, most Christians do say yes. I don't really know. Partly because I've read some of the Old Testament and know that God has...a bit of a mean streak. Mostly though, I think our actions dictate who we are moreso than what a majority of Christians say. My old preacher would always say that your works don't matter, what you do in life has no affect on how God perceives you.
To me, that's bull. By that logic I could go back to who I was and become even worse through my works, but since I know Christ now it'd be all okay. Nevermind the drugs and violence and general anarchy that I would raise, Jesus would still put in a good word for me. I doubt that. And I also doubt that all these two faced people that go to church every Sunday and cast judgement upon the rest of the congregation, then go home to beat their wives or get wasted and fuck a stranger are being ignored as well. But that's a rant I've made too many times before.
My point in this is that I wonder where exactly I stand on the line. I mean, I know what side of it I'm on, but how close am I to the other? I suppose I'm not really as bad off as I think, and recent lifestyle choices may put me in better standing, but it's a worry I have. Surely worrying helps the situation little, but I rarely have peace of mind about anything.
I don't feel I can make up for things I've done. I feel like I need punishment. Sometimes I think I'm living my punishment. Sometimes, I question if it's really worth it in the end. Right now, I just want to feel like someone cares.
I don't always feel like God cares. "Oh it's all in the plan, God cares about you." If this is God's plan for me then someone should smack Him for being such an assbag. Granted, there are highs in my life, but the lows just seem so much worse. I suppose that could be blamed on my pessimistic nature, but how can I reach for the stars when the valleys are so low that I can't even make out the clouds in the sky? I can think of only a handful of moments in the last several years where I've been truly at peace with myself.
Is that normal? Do most people feel so down all the time? Am I just experiencing the same downtrodden existence as everyone else and just not handling it as well or am I just picking out the bad and forgetting the good? I do forget a lot of things. But there are still these feelings of betrayal and disappointment, inadequacy and uselessness. I can't shake them no matter how I try and events around me only seem to make it worse. I wanted to die again the other night...
I need to talk to someone. I need to open up to someone about everything, but I'm not sure how to begin, or who to even begin with. I need a listener, someone who will do more than say "quitcherbtichin", a person who can relate to me and give me some straight answers about these questions I have and maybe slap me if I am in fact just being stupid. I don't think I know this person.
Parker, "It matters."
Not sure if I got the quote word for word, but it's still a pretty good question. Can one action really change a person's destiny, or affect their salvation in this case? If you live a life of sin and debauchery but see the error of your ways seconds before you die would God even give it a second glance?
People want to say yes, most Christians do say yes. I don't really know. Partly because I've read some of the Old Testament and know that God has...a bit of a mean streak. Mostly though, I think our actions dictate who we are moreso than what a majority of Christians say. My old preacher would always say that your works don't matter, what you do in life has no affect on how God perceives you.
To me, that's bull. By that logic I could go back to who I was and become even worse through my works, but since I know Christ now it'd be all okay. Nevermind the drugs and violence and general anarchy that I would raise, Jesus would still put in a good word for me. I doubt that. And I also doubt that all these two faced people that go to church every Sunday and cast judgement upon the rest of the congregation, then go home to beat their wives or get wasted and fuck a stranger are being ignored as well. But that's a rant I've made too many times before.
My point in this is that I wonder where exactly I stand on the line. I mean, I know what side of it I'm on, but how close am I to the other? I suppose I'm not really as bad off as I think, and recent lifestyle choices may put me in better standing, but it's a worry I have. Surely worrying helps the situation little, but I rarely have peace of mind about anything.
I don't feel I can make up for things I've done. I feel like I need punishment. Sometimes I think I'm living my punishment. Sometimes, I question if it's really worth it in the end. Right now, I just want to feel like someone cares.
I don't always feel like God cares. "Oh it's all in the plan, God cares about you." If this is God's plan for me then someone should smack Him for being such an assbag. Granted, there are highs in my life, but the lows just seem so much worse. I suppose that could be blamed on my pessimistic nature, but how can I reach for the stars when the valleys are so low that I can't even make out the clouds in the sky? I can think of only a handful of moments in the last several years where I've been truly at peace with myself.
Is that normal? Do most people feel so down all the time? Am I just experiencing the same downtrodden existence as everyone else and just not handling it as well or am I just picking out the bad and forgetting the good? I do forget a lot of things. But there are still these feelings of betrayal and disappointment, inadequacy and uselessness. I can't shake them no matter how I try and events around me only seem to make it worse. I wanted to die again the other night...
I need to talk to someone. I need to open up to someone about everything, but I'm not sure how to begin, or who to even begin with. I need a listener, someone who will do more than say "quitcherbtichin", a person who can relate to me and give me some straight answers about these questions I have and maybe slap me if I am in fact just being stupid. I don't think I know this person.