Confessions: In Case We All Die Today
In the spirit of the holiday which is now upon us, if you could call it a holiday, I shall dictate my final testiment for all those to see.
*Note, this should not be taken seriously and any spelling and/or grammar errors should be ignored.*
To Whom It May Concern,
Well it has finally happened. God has had enough and taken me out. Don't worry, I'm sure I'm in a better place now. Or Hell. Should the white mages fail to do their job, for which they were amply paid, I have a few confessions to make in an effort to set my soul at ease.
1). I am not actually a ninja. This was a misconception stemming from a very eventful run from the police one drugged up evening. In hindsight, the label was less my fault and the fault of onlookers. Yes, I did suddenly disappear from sight only to reappear in a tree several yards away, but everyone knows a real ninja would have killed the officer and at least 20 other people while wailing the biggest wail that was ever wailed.
2). I enjoyed 'The Wedding Date'. Shut the hell up. Debra Messing is a fine actress and deserves more leading roles. Call me a fag, it doesn't matter now. Other movies I've enjoyed include, The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, My Best Friend's Wedding, and Steel Magnolias.
3). I don't do my own stunts. If you look closely, whenever I'm about to punch a wall, swim with sharks, or any other equally stupid idea I decide to execute, there is a split second change to my stunt double. His name is Jeffrey Lyons and he does great work. All scarring on my body is actually special effects generated by ILM since Peter Jackson's crew gets all the good jobs now.
4). I don't find Angelina Jolie attractive at all. Her lips look as though they've been inflated as if their some freakish offshoot of those pump-up high tops that were popular years ago. Her boobs are kind of saggy as well. And then there's the blood vial around the neck. No...just...no.
5). I can't swim, but I float very well. Kind of like a manatee.
6). I was heavy into show riding as a child. I place second in my first show. My horse's name whas Char.
7). Woe Tomorrow sucks. Sorry, but you guys sound like a really bad acoustic Fallout Boy. Your writing is horrid. Additionally, Three on One wasn't any good either. Any band that plays 'Steal the Riff' from the likes of Good Charlotte and Weezer doesn't have much going for it and the drum machine, while a good idea in a way, was actually just disgraceful in practice.
8). I pray at least twice a day. God actually likes me.
9). I do want a Fanta.
10). It is not actually in my racoon wounds. I just say that to be trendy.
11). Donuts give me gas.
12). I hate oatmeal cookies.
13). I approve of George W. Bush, holding his Cabinet responsible for the current state of things.
14). I don't think Communism looks good on paper.
There you have it. These are the confessions I feel are important for everyone to hear in this tragic time. On a side note, my Transformers ARE being buried with me, as is my teddy bear Christopher. Ashton Biggers is to be haunted by my spirit for a period of 36 weeks for violating said teddy bear. I told you I'd get you jerkface, hope you like cold showers and piping hot Bud Select, it's all you'll be seeing for half a year.
And with that I bid you all fairwell. It was a good run and I had a blast. K.I.T. B.F.F.
14). I don't like World of Warcraft at all.
*Note, this should not be taken seriously and any spelling and/or grammar errors should be ignored.*
To Whom It May Concern,
Well it has finally happened. God has had enough and taken me out. Don't worry, I'm sure I'm in a better place now. Or Hell. Should the white mages fail to do their job, for which they were amply paid, I have a few confessions to make in an effort to set my soul at ease.
1). I am not actually a ninja. This was a misconception stemming from a very eventful run from the police one drugged up evening. In hindsight, the label was less my fault and the fault of onlookers. Yes, I did suddenly disappear from sight only to reappear in a tree several yards away, but everyone knows a real ninja would have killed the officer and at least 20 other people while wailing the biggest wail that was ever wailed.
2). I enjoyed 'The Wedding Date'. Shut the hell up. Debra Messing is a fine actress and deserves more leading roles. Call me a fag, it doesn't matter now. Other movies I've enjoyed include, The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, My Best Friend's Wedding, and Steel Magnolias.
3). I don't do my own stunts. If you look closely, whenever I'm about to punch a wall, swim with sharks, or any other equally stupid idea I decide to execute, there is a split second change to my stunt double. His name is Jeffrey Lyons and he does great work. All scarring on my body is actually special effects generated by ILM since Peter Jackson's crew gets all the good jobs now.
4). I don't find Angelina Jolie attractive at all. Her lips look as though they've been inflated as if their some freakish offshoot of those pump-up high tops that were popular years ago. Her boobs are kind of saggy as well. And then there's the blood vial around the neck. No...just...no.
5). I can't swim, but I float very well. Kind of like a manatee.
6). I was heavy into show riding as a child. I place second in my first show. My horse's name whas Char.
7). Woe Tomorrow sucks. Sorry, but you guys sound like a really bad acoustic Fallout Boy. Your writing is horrid. Additionally, Three on One wasn't any good either. Any band that plays 'Steal the Riff' from the likes of Good Charlotte and Weezer doesn't have much going for it and the drum machine, while a good idea in a way, was actually just disgraceful in practice.
8). I pray at least twice a day. God actually likes me.
9). I do want a Fanta.
10). It is not actually in my racoon wounds. I just say that to be trendy.
11). Donuts give me gas.
12). I hate oatmeal cookies.
13). I approve of George W. Bush, holding his Cabinet responsible for the current state of things.
14). I don't think Communism looks good on paper.
There you have it. These are the confessions I feel are important for everyone to hear in this tragic time. On a side note, my Transformers ARE being buried with me, as is my teddy bear Christopher. Ashton Biggers is to be haunted by my spirit for a period of 36 weeks for violating said teddy bear. I told you I'd get you jerkface, hope you like cold showers and piping hot Bud Select, it's all you'll be seeing for half a year.
And with that I bid you all fairwell. It was a good run and I had a blast. K.I.T. B.F.F.
14). I don't like World of Warcraft at all.