-Two weeks-
I've been here two weeks, and not a whiff of the hag that has my son. Twelve years, it's been and now that I know he's alive... There's this inner excitement, something that's hopeful and afraid all at once...
But... It won't work. This woman, whoever she is... she's the one he knows, cares about. He'll be a genin of the Leaf now, a strong boy capable of greatness. He'll grow to make me proud, even if I never know his name. As it is now, I'd only ruin everything. Finding him, taking him... It would hurt him... Bringing him back to the sand, seeing him, caring for him, is the way I've always wanted things to be.
But right now, I would only break his heart. This place... he probably loves this place, of peace and calm. The life he's known, shattered by a bitter, bald old man coming and taking him away... it could only hurt him.
And I'm afraid to find out he's not even alive any more. How many of those genin that I termed 'worthless' could have been my son? How many times have I spilt Konoha blood, and copme close to killing the son I've wanted for so long? I could always kill without remorse, thinking of the enemy as merely the enemy... But my son is one of these people, these allies we betrayed.
It's hard to think about. It's like that dream, the only one that horrified me more than anything else I've encountered at night... The pain of losing the three I looked on almost like my own. I never showed tenderness of course - A good ninja never betrays any emotion - but I worried about them. I pushed them, harder than even I pushed myself. I couldn't bear thinking that if they died, it would be my fault.
I hope they never know this. Temari would scoff and decide it was a fake. Kankurou, Gaara... I never know if they knew my secret weakness. The weakness I have to guard like a private jewel in the belly of the beast, my downfall. I'm ashamed of it, cut myself off from it like a disgraced relative, but I would never let it go. I lost Sunako because I wasn't there for her, and I'll be damned if I let myself fail to protect the few I do love.
Why am I so emotional? Aren't I just bitter, emotionless? Can't I be as I seem? Sometimes I can convince myself that I care for no-one and nothing but my countrym that I am a tool and know it, and those are the times I'm happiest. These emotions... are painful.
But if I cast them away, what will I be but a shell? I am pathetic, yes, but I would be nothing, then.
I don't want anyone to know. They never will.
I'll go home within a few days. He... he'll be happier without my interference. Kankurou, will you be coming with me?
I have to speak with someone, though. I have feel no remorse for the death of someone I killed during our betrayal of the Leaf, but... there is a woman... She deserves my apologies. I can only hope she can understand I followed orders. We are shinobi - Betrayal, death, these are common occurances.
Will I be forgiven? I hope so.
-Baki
But... It won't work. This woman, whoever she is... she's the one he knows, cares about. He'll be a genin of the Leaf now, a strong boy capable of greatness. He'll grow to make me proud, even if I never know his name. As it is now, I'd only ruin everything. Finding him, taking him... It would hurt him... Bringing him back to the sand, seeing him, caring for him, is the way I've always wanted things to be.
But right now, I would only break his heart. This place... he probably loves this place, of peace and calm. The life he's known, shattered by a bitter, bald old man coming and taking him away... it could only hurt him.
And I'm afraid to find out he's not even alive any more. How many of those genin that I termed 'worthless' could have been my son? How many times have I spilt Konoha blood, and copme close to killing the son I've wanted for so long? I could always kill without remorse, thinking of the enemy as merely the enemy... But my son is one of these people, these allies we betrayed.
It's hard to think about. It's like that dream, the only one that horrified me more than anything else I've encountered at night... The pain of losing the three I looked on almost like my own. I never showed tenderness of course - A good ninja never betrays any emotion - but I worried about them. I pushed them, harder than even I pushed myself. I couldn't bear thinking that if they died, it would be my fault.
I hope they never know this. Temari would scoff and decide it was a fake. Kankurou, Gaara... I never know if they knew my secret weakness. The weakness I have to guard like a private jewel in the belly of the beast, my downfall. I'm ashamed of it, cut myself off from it like a disgraced relative, but I would never let it go. I lost Sunako because I wasn't there for her, and I'll be damned if I let myself fail to protect the few I do love.
Why am I so emotional? Aren't I just bitter, emotionless? Can't I be as I seem? Sometimes I can convince myself that I care for no-one and nothing but my countrym that I am a tool and know it, and those are the times I'm happiest. These emotions... are painful.
But if I cast them away, what will I be but a shell? I am pathetic, yes, but I would be nothing, then.
I don't want anyone to know. They never will.
I'll go home within a few days. He... he'll be happier without my interference. Kankurou, will you be coming with me?
I have to speak with someone, though. I have feel no remorse for the death of someone I killed during our betrayal of the Leaf, but... there is a woman... She deserves my apologies. I can only hope she can understand I followed orders. We are shinobi - Betrayal, death, these are common occurances.
Will I be forgiven? I hope so.
-Baki