i needn't mention how essential dreaming is to the character of the rock star
it seems i've started posting again, so, here goes:
To days of inspiration,
Playing hookey, making something
Out of nothing, the need
To express-
To communicate,
To going against the grain...
beginning tuesday, i spent 40 hours shut away from the world with three lovely boys (?) on rotation, and three movies full of glitter and music and angst. 40 hours entirely abstracted from the real world and reliving my teenage years when everything was totally-queer-but-i-didn't-know-it; hours influenced by the homoeroticism spent fooling around with play acting and posing and waiting-till-they-turn-their-backs like sixteen year old boys who're just coming into queer consciousness; hours spent relaxing into platonic but no less comfortable cuddles; and 40 hours spent loosing myself in a world of glam and glitter and the urge for drag and passion and make-believe.
we popped corn and covered it in magic, photo-documented makeup-application-as-flirtation, cooked and cleaned stood side-by-side, indulged each other's hopes and fears and foibles, compared photos from our pasts (turns out i only look happy in those where i'm obviously performing the femininity
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person, Give him a mask and he'll tell you the truth.)
...created family.
who is it who writes about queers, and particularly trans people, as being in an extended adolescence?
usually coming back to earth after that would be hard, but this time the balance seems just right. i had dinner with a very old friend yesterday who i need to make part of my life again in the way we discussed his having been part of someone else's; but without the sense that i'm holding out for something better. we're going to watch *all* the superhero movies.
we talked on tues-wednes-thursday about the potentially problematic nature of spending a lot of time with people and in places where it's ok to make excuses for oneself, to say 'i'm not up to that right now', or 'that's something i can't do because i have x problem'...
I have emotional problems. I took too many pills. Why are you wearing makeup?
...everyone looks at me so seriously when i say i'm taking time off right now. i don't know how i feel about it, but i know that people i trust and respect have said it's ok, good even, so until they think it's gone too far then this is what i'm going to do.
Only those sadnesses are dangerous and bad which one carries about among people in order to drown them out; like sicknesses that are superficially and foolishly treated they simply withdraw and after a little pause break out again the more dreadfully; and accumulate within one and are life, are unlived, spurned, lost life, of which one may die.
and while i'm 'off', while i'm ostensibly 'doing nothing', i'm not escaping, i'm reconnecting, i need to figure out what... well, what i'm doing, but also what i want to do.
in the mean time i want to play late at night on swings, dress up and go out, explore new places, hear and see new things, learn about art and music and film, watch more movies, read more books.
Maybe just...
Creation
To days of inspiration,
Playing hookey, making something
Out of nothing, the need
To express-
To communicate,
To going against the grain...
beginning tuesday, i spent 40 hours shut away from the world with three lovely boys (?) on rotation, and three movies full of glitter and music and angst. 40 hours entirely abstracted from the real world and reliving my teenage years when everything was totally-queer-but-i-didn't-know-it; hours influenced by the homoeroticism spent fooling around with play acting and posing and waiting-till-they-turn-their-backs like sixteen year old boys who're just coming into queer consciousness; hours spent relaxing into platonic but no less comfortable cuddles; and 40 hours spent loosing myself in a world of glam and glitter and the urge for drag and passion and make-believe.
we popped corn and covered it in magic, photo-documented makeup-application-as-flirtation, cooked and cleaned stood side-by-side, indulged each other's hopes and fears and foibles, compared photos from our pasts (turns out i only look happy in those where i'm obviously performing the femininity
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person, Give him a mask and he'll tell you the truth.)
...created family.
who is it who writes about queers, and particularly trans people, as being in an extended adolescence?
usually coming back to earth after that would be hard, but this time the balance seems just right. i had dinner with a very old friend yesterday who i need to make part of my life again in the way we discussed his having been part of someone else's; but without the sense that i'm holding out for something better. we're going to watch *all* the superhero movies.
we talked on tues-wednes-thursday about the potentially problematic nature of spending a lot of time with people and in places where it's ok to make excuses for oneself, to say 'i'm not up to that right now', or 'that's something i can't do because i have x problem'...
I have emotional problems. I took too many pills. Why are you wearing makeup?
...everyone looks at me so seriously when i say i'm taking time off right now. i don't know how i feel about it, but i know that people i trust and respect have said it's ok, good even, so until they think it's gone too far then this is what i'm going to do.
Only those sadnesses are dangerous and bad which one carries about among people in order to drown them out; like sicknesses that are superficially and foolishly treated they simply withdraw and after a little pause break out again the more dreadfully; and accumulate within one and are life, are unlived, spurned, lost life, of which one may die.
and while i'm 'off', while i'm ostensibly 'doing nothing', i'm not escaping, i'm reconnecting, i need to figure out what... well, what i'm doing, but also what i want to do.
in the mean time i want to play late at night on swings, dress up and go out, explore new places, hear and see new things, learn about art and music and film, watch more movies, read more books.
Maybe just...
Creation