mind dump
I had the kind of day I've needed for a long, long time.
I stayed at school an hour and a half longer than I needed to because I was enjoying the company of friends. Really enjoying it. I laughed more this morning and early afternoon than I have all month, easily. It wasn't forced. It wasn't me trying to fit in or searching for something to say. It was effortless fun and laughter. I don't want to write this or admit this not to strangers not even to myself, but for a long time I have really just needed a friend.
Nothing incredibly serious, just someone to give looks to when something questionable happens to talk to about non-serious things and serious things where appropriate, and to laugh with.
All of my social outings for the past year and most of high school, it wasn't like I was totally isolated but I have been either the awkward acquaintance or the "drinking buddy". Basically the friend that is a liability but worth having around for comedic value. Or the person you have lunch with when you have nothing better to do.
People here are flocking to me. I don't understand it but I'm sure not fighting it.
A girl I know introduced me to her boyfriend this Saturday. Literally all I said to him that night was "Mande" with a confused expression and a one line pop-culture joke that he didn't understand. I spent the rest of the time he was around awkwardly avoiding eye contact because every time I looked at him he was staring at me. Apparently he has been asking for me a lot, his girlfriend told me this morning in my first class. Then every time I saw her today in my peripheral vision she too was staring intently at me with a strange expression. I feel bad. She is now overly nice to me and I feel bad about that too.
Then when my classes were over another boy I met Saturday came to my school looking for me to say hi. I was literally shocked speechless and couldn't do much more than laugh awkwardly.
It's good for my ego, but I do not want that much Latin flavor in my life. He's nice and I felt bad because he came a long way looking for me, but I made an excuse to leave.
My friends were hysterical because on Saturday they found me sitting on a bench with this boy wasted exchanging numbers. Now sober in person I can barely communicate with him, but of all things I could have managed to say to him the night we met, I told him all about my dogs.
I communicate excellently in Spanish the more I drink. Unfortunately.
They called me a cougar because they're 26 and 21 and forget I'm 19 and it's okay for me to sit on a bench with a cute 18 year old.
They find me hilarious when they call me to go bar hopping and I show up in sneakers in a flannel and more hilarious when I order a mojito the size of my face and commence to out-party, out-dance, and have way more life than the grinding made-up ladies in stilettos and tight dresses.
They find it hilarious when this boy shows up and asks me how my dog is and I say, "I don't know how he is. He's in the United States," and laugh and look away trying to hide my mortification.
Mande?
...
...Mande?
Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Smile, nod.
Espera, QUE?
Later we went to the mummy museum which was exceedingly macabre and I found myself deeply concerned with the ethics of having paid to look at dead people.
I found myself desperately missing my dog and craving In'N'Out when I was alone in my room. Then I went downstairs where the owner of the house I live in was serving tomales. Fuck yeah, fuck burgers. I still need a milkshake.
My Chicano friend and South Korean friend went to a small movie theater for $20 pesos a person ~ $1 USD to watch La Sociedad de la Nieve. We all three fell asleep.
I stayed at school an hour and a half longer than I needed to because I was enjoying the company of friends. Really enjoying it. I laughed more this morning and early afternoon than I have all month, easily. It wasn't forced. It wasn't me trying to fit in or searching for something to say. It was effortless fun and laughter. I don't want to write this or admit this not to strangers not even to myself, but for a long time I have really just needed a friend.
Nothing incredibly serious, just someone to give looks to when something questionable happens to talk to about non-serious things and serious things where appropriate, and to laugh with.
All of my social outings for the past year and most of high school, it wasn't like I was totally isolated but I have been either the awkward acquaintance or the "drinking buddy". Basically the friend that is a liability but worth having around for comedic value. Or the person you have lunch with when you have nothing better to do.
People here are flocking to me. I don't understand it but I'm sure not fighting it.
A girl I know introduced me to her boyfriend this Saturday. Literally all I said to him that night was "Mande" with a confused expression and a one line pop-culture joke that he didn't understand. I spent the rest of the time he was around awkwardly avoiding eye contact because every time I looked at him he was staring at me. Apparently he has been asking for me a lot, his girlfriend told me this morning in my first class. Then every time I saw her today in my peripheral vision she too was staring intently at me with a strange expression. I feel bad. She is now overly nice to me and I feel bad about that too.
Then when my classes were over another boy I met Saturday came to my school looking for me to say hi. I was literally shocked speechless and couldn't do much more than laugh awkwardly.
It's good for my ego, but I do not want that much Latin flavor in my life. He's nice and I felt bad because he came a long way looking for me, but I made an excuse to leave.
My friends were hysterical because on Saturday they found me sitting on a bench with this boy wasted exchanging numbers. Now sober in person I can barely communicate with him, but of all things I could have managed to say to him the night we met, I told him all about my dogs.
I communicate excellently in Spanish the more I drink. Unfortunately.
They called me a cougar because they're 26 and 21 and forget I'm 19 and it's okay for me to sit on a bench with a cute 18 year old.
They find me hilarious when they call me to go bar hopping and I show up in sneakers in a flannel and more hilarious when I order a mojito the size of my face and commence to out-party, out-dance, and have way more life than the grinding made-up ladies in stilettos and tight dresses.
They find it hilarious when this boy shows up and asks me how my dog is and I say, "I don't know how he is. He's in the United States," and laugh and look away trying to hide my mortification.
Mande?
...
...Mande?
Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Smile, nod.
Espera, QUE?
Later we went to the mummy museum which was exceedingly macabre and I found myself deeply concerned with the ethics of having paid to look at dead people.
I found myself desperately missing my dog and craving In'N'Out when I was alone in my room. Then I went downstairs where the owner of the house I live in was serving tomales. Fuck yeah, fuck burgers. I still need a milkshake.
My Chicano friend and South Korean friend went to a small movie theater for $20 pesos a person ~ $1 USD to watch La Sociedad de la Nieve. We all three fell asleep.