Mmm you do like to indulge yourself don't you. Lovely isn't it... but yes you do seem to make it too big. Keep it small! Offcourse it's your film and you can ignore me (if you want) but i have one suggestion and a note.
The insight is that you seem to have chosen for the Cassandra storyline. Cassandra being offcourse about the greek cursed girl myth about one who sees the future. No one offcourse believes her and in the end all hell breaks loose and people believe her. It's no longer about the striving towards something abstract thing. Allthough it's somewhere in there deep deep inside. This no longer is your storyline. Do you see that as well?! I mean your story has changed.
Secondly you are indulging yourself to much in characters cut that down!!! Don't try to be trendy a short film needs to be about clarity and brevety. Also a good story is something at which you look and go like well there's nothing that can be taken away. A story must be lean, mean, storypoint machine. Nothing must be wasted. To quote Bird 'Everything of the buffalo must be used' I therefore have a suggestion. And that suggestion is: Merge the character of Turam with Tahiri and create a father figure who is both spiritual elder and father. Let him battle his daughter who is a true psychic! This way we as audience also discover the fact through the fathers storyline. This is A: more dramatic B: a well known mishap with parents who cannot see they're children as equally talented human beings C: May lead too invoke respect with the father at the end...
To even suggest something; Maybe it would be nice to see the father and the daughter at the end of the film with the easter island face and the face telling them that he had foreseen this but being a rock face he cannot say anything because people need to grow inside. They the rock faces cannot intervene. The moral of the story is that we learn through listening and experience. And not through imposing our vision.
Throw away my suggestions, ignore me while you still can :P
Mmm you do like to indulge yourself don't you. Lovely isn't it... but yes you do seem to make it too big. Keep it small! Offcourse it's your film and you can ignore me (if you want) but i have one suggestion and a note.
The insight is that you seem to have chosen for the Cassandra storyline. Cassandra being offcourse about the greek cursed girl myth about one who sees the future. No one offcourse believes her and in the end all hell breaks loose and people believe her. It's no longer about the striving towards something abstract thing. Allthough it's somewhere in there deep deep inside. This no longer is your storyline. Do you see that as well?! I mean your story has changed.
Secondly you are indulging yourself to much in characters cut that down!!! Don't try to be trendy a short film needs to be about clarity and brevety. Also a good story is something at which you look and go like well there's nothing that can be taken away. A story must be lean, mean, storypoint machine. Nothing must be wasted. To quote Bird 'Everything of the buffalo must be used' I therefore have a suggestion. And that suggestion is: Merge the character of Turam with Tahiri and create a father figure who is both spiritual elder and father. Let him battle his daughter who is a true psychic! This way we as audience also discover the fact through the fathers storyline. This is A: more dramatic B: a well known mishap with parents who cannot see they're children as equally talented human beings C: May lead too invoke respect with the father at the end...
To even suggest something; Maybe it would be nice to see the father and the daughter at the end of the film with the easter island face and the face telling them that he had foreseen this but being a rock face he cannot say anything because people need to grow inside. They the rock faces cannot intervene. The moral of the story is that we learn through listening and experience. And not through imposing our vision.
Throw away my suggestions, ignore me while you still can :P
Grtz Lars
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