Hoorah.
I saw this somewhere.
Leave me an anonymous comment pouring your heart out. Say anything. Tell me your stories, your secrets, those things no one ever asks but you wish to tell. Tell me about your love, your hate, your indifference, your joy. Tell me about what's inside of you when you're reading through these entries on your friends list, and ( Read more... )
Leave me an anonymous comment pouring your heart out. Say anything. Tell me your stories, your secrets, those things no one ever asks but you wish to tell. Tell me about your love, your hate, your indifference, your joy. Tell me about what's inside of you when you're reading through these entries on your friends list, and ( Read more... )
i dont even have a live journal.
but,
i came across your page,
it caught my eye in some way.
i read your to do list,
so, here i am.
i need to tell someone...
so im telling YOU my most deep secrets,
secrets i cant even tell my closest friends,
and i dont even know who you are.
so here i go.
im m a d l y in love with my gay bestfriend.
which is sweet, cause i have a vagina.
i want to be with him for the rest of my life.
i know he loves me.
but in a different way.
i know he thought he had feelings for me,
but he doesnt know i know.
he also doesnt know i love him,
and want to be with him until i am grey and wrinkley.
i want to die first, because i cant handle not being with him,
and on my wedding day, he will be my best man.
and i will cry,
N O T because im happy im getting married, or for happyness in any shape or form.
but the fact that the man i truly want to be with is not standing in the right spot on the pedastol, and the words i want him to speak arent coming from his mouth.
knowing i am going for the second best.
i want to have children with him, i want my kids to call him daddy.
and i want to have as many as i fucking can with him.
i hate his boyfriends.
because they always catch on,
and cause im so jealous it hurts my insides.
it makes me turn, and crawl to see them together.
when they kiss, i feel like ripping my eyeballs out,
and when they say "i love you", and "your so cute",
a part of me dies.
every fucking time.
and im in a situation, where i cant avoid these things,
he comes to me with all of his problems,
with his relationships.
its so fucking hard giving him straight answers, when i know i can manipulate him in his answers so he will dump his boyfriends.
i won't do it.
because i would rather see him happy.
i would jump infront of a bus for him, or anything he loves.
i used to cut, i think i got rid of the habit,
but lately its all ive been thinking about.
i n e e d to watch myself bleed.
and i think about jumping infront of a train,
or taking a exacto knife to my wrists,
basically ending my useless life in some obscene way, pretty much everyday.
everyones life seems better then mine.
everyone is getting a boyfriend.
getting acepted into college,
getting jobs,
going to college,
going on with there lives...
im 18,
almost 19
and all i can think about is how i can buy liquer anytime i want.
i havent even had my frist job.
i only have my g1.
and the only reason i have it is cause my dad made me get it.
depression has put such a hold on my life, and there is nothing i can do about it.
i keep sinking deeper and deeper into my own self pitty.
and i cant stop.
I havent liked anyone else in about three years.
because im too fucking in love with him.
i begged god to make it stop,
and for him to take my love away from me.
because i know he will never have the same love for me as i do for him.
but he didnt,
and now all i can think about is watching him go on with his life,
and me growing old, alone.
and now,
its hard for me to believe in anything anymore.
especially myself.
bascially,
the only thing i have to live for,
is my family,
and my fucking dog.
those are the people dependant on me.
my bestfriends, say they cant live without me,
but there strong people.
i really,truthfully, and honestly, have nothing going for me.
and the only thing i can think of is the next time im going to get hammered off my ass,
or so ripped i cant even fucking talk.
the worst part about this whole thing,
is NOBODY knows i feel like this.
everyone thinks i am as happy as ever,
and you know,
A SMILE CAN COVER ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING YOU ARE THINKING.
if you met me, and had a whole conversation with me,
you would never think anything is wrong with me.
and i am basically holding back tears every moment i am with someone.
so, please be yourself
talk to people, and dont be like me,
swollowed in your own self pitty.
thank you a million times over.
i truly love you.
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and i almost cried reading through it.
although i'll never know you.
i hope everything goes well for you and that things do work.
there's nothing worse than an unrequited love.
i truly do hope that everything goes well.
i don't even know what to say.
you don't have to answer to this.
i'm just letting you know that i read it.
and that it touched me.
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