Spring Break and the aftermath
OK, journal. I don't write in you much anymore, so get ready for an unloading of disjointed thoughts.
This past week, my spring break, was spent with an agressive, consious decision to jumpstart my social life. I had nothing to do, I had to stick around these parts cuz of work, so I went out EVERY night. HA! I met a lot of people whom I consider 'good people'. Hopefully. Did a lot of fun and stupid things. I realize I was probably also used. What the hell.
So, I meet some really great friend-material guys that are great to hang out with. Which, like I've said, I'm just looking for friends anyway. I don't need to be searching for serious relationships at bars or anything, and even though I'd love to have a serious relationship some time, I also realize that I'm picky and I have plans beyond dallas so I might not be wanting something grounding me here anyway.
Regardless, one of the boys actually kinda got to me. Yeah, he was hot, but that has so little to do with it... I think if it has anything to do with it, its the fact that people with looks like his generally don't have such sensitive souls. He is definitely one of those. Also, a hurting soul. Obviously, verrrrry much scarred by his last relationship, still healing, and probably rebounding even. I just saw the fact that he was hurt as evidence that he has made himself vulnerable to someone at some point- and THAT, is gorgeous. To be brave enough to fall in love, and deep enough to feel its pain... so attractive to me. All the while, I logically know that I shouldn't jump into anything with him, becuase I don't want to be a rebound, and I shouldn't get in a relationship with someone just BECAUSE for some reason I think hurting people are attractive (I like to nuture I guess?) Who knows.
Well, pop my balloon. I think he's semi-seeing like 2 or 3 other guys besides me. And, after reading the blog on his myspace profile, and talking to him awkwardly on the phone twice, I think I realize that our one date (which was full of very revealing, if drunken, confessionals and sweetness) was probably just for fun and I'm losing the race with those other guys probably. So, I dont' have a jock bod. Sue me. I could care less.
Thats that, I guess. He'll probably end up dating one of those guys more seriously and have to awkwardly ask that we just be friends. I don't really wanna go there. I just wish he'd be honest from the get go (about his age too...heh). I wonder why he has to feel like he has to put up a facade, is it part of that hurting? I could tell he had such a capacity for caring in his soul, but I just hope he's not going around trying to find someone to love him now and lying about shit. At least, I hope he tells the boy that he chooses his real age and that he's been seeing a few other guys casually. that'd make for a better foundation of a relationship.
I understand honesty might be hard.
But living life as a fake sucks worse.
This past week, my spring break, was spent with an agressive, consious decision to jumpstart my social life. I had nothing to do, I had to stick around these parts cuz of work, so I went out EVERY night. HA! I met a lot of people whom I consider 'good people'. Hopefully. Did a lot of fun and stupid things. I realize I was probably also used. What the hell.
So, I meet some really great friend-material guys that are great to hang out with. Which, like I've said, I'm just looking for friends anyway. I don't need to be searching for serious relationships at bars or anything, and even though I'd love to have a serious relationship some time, I also realize that I'm picky and I have plans beyond dallas so I might not be wanting something grounding me here anyway.
Regardless, one of the boys actually kinda got to me. Yeah, he was hot, but that has so little to do with it... I think if it has anything to do with it, its the fact that people with looks like his generally don't have such sensitive souls. He is definitely one of those. Also, a hurting soul. Obviously, verrrrry much scarred by his last relationship, still healing, and probably rebounding even. I just saw the fact that he was hurt as evidence that he has made himself vulnerable to someone at some point- and THAT, is gorgeous. To be brave enough to fall in love, and deep enough to feel its pain... so attractive to me. All the while, I logically know that I shouldn't jump into anything with him, becuase I don't want to be a rebound, and I shouldn't get in a relationship with someone just BECAUSE for some reason I think hurting people are attractive (I like to nuture I guess?) Who knows.
Well, pop my balloon. I think he's semi-seeing like 2 or 3 other guys besides me. And, after reading the blog on his myspace profile, and talking to him awkwardly on the phone twice, I think I realize that our one date (which was full of very revealing, if drunken, confessionals and sweetness) was probably just for fun and I'm losing the race with those other guys probably. So, I dont' have a jock bod. Sue me. I could care less.
Thats that, I guess. He'll probably end up dating one of those guys more seriously and have to awkwardly ask that we just be friends. I don't really wanna go there. I just wish he'd be honest from the get go (about his age too...heh). I wonder why he has to feel like he has to put up a facade, is it part of that hurting? I could tell he had such a capacity for caring in his soul, but I just hope he's not going around trying to find someone to love him now and lying about shit. At least, I hope he tells the boy that he chooses his real age and that he's been seeing a few other guys casually. that'd make for a better foundation of a relationship.
I understand honesty might be hard.
But living life as a fake sucks worse.