so i wrote this to a friend....
I appreciate your concern but the real issue i am sad is the worst, mostly because i dont know. I know stuff i should be sad about and i am, but i dont think they are what is causing me to have my sanity deteriorate before my very eyes. i should, by definition be the happiest girl alive, I have an amazing job i love and friends that will support and help me, but thats just it, i keep thinking that i have done this for two years, and done it well. I am no saint and i don't know why god gave me a second chance but i am gratefull. i could have been so much worse. I think think my real issue is i am waiting to wake up from this perfect life i am building away from the people who brought me down and relize that its a dream and i am gonna fuck something up accidently and the coast guard won't want me and then i will be on my own tying to figure things out. I thought i was sad because everything was falling apart like it used to but the real reason i guess is that i am afraid it will start to fall apart and i wont be able to stop it.
ok so typing that just helped me figure everything out and so i know that it wont make any sense when you end up reading it... and i plan on posting this as a blog... I feel like i just lifted a weight by putting it down in words