ready, set....
so, i am gradually becoming more certain, and less regretful about the idea of breaking up with Jon. In fact, I am feeling somewhat impatient. Like, I don't really want to hang out with him as "together" again, and i think that's how he thinks of us. he still talks like he loves me and thinks of me as his girl. i am just mad at him, esp about his defensiveness toward getting confirmation on his results. it's starting to piss me off. that and everything else. he doesn't necessarily mean any harm, but nor does he always mean well. sometimes i think he forgets to think about me, and sometimes decides he doesn't need to when he really does.
it's clearer to me right now that we should not be together. i haven't succeeded in culling together anything resembling a coherent, comprehensive, factual account of the relationship on which to base my final decision. for some reason, that has become unnecessary. some other part of me has taken over the decision making process. it's mysterious, and i hope i don't regret it, but all the same, it's clearer to me that he's not up to being my boyfriend. and, furthermore, given certain disparities between us and lingering sexual attraction, i am not so sure we will be able to be close friends, at least not right away. i though maybe i could be his mentor...since that doesn't require equality. however, it does require some level of detachment, and we do not have that, and so maybe a real breaking off of contact could be a therapeutic event instead of a distressing one.
lastly, i dont want to piss him off bc i still want those test results, dammit!
it's clearer to me right now that we should not be together. i haven't succeeded in culling together anything resembling a coherent, comprehensive, factual account of the relationship on which to base my final decision. for some reason, that has become unnecessary. some other part of me has taken over the decision making process. it's mysterious, and i hope i don't regret it, but all the same, it's clearer to me that he's not up to being my boyfriend. and, furthermore, given certain disparities between us and lingering sexual attraction, i am not so sure we will be able to be close friends, at least not right away. i though maybe i could be his mentor...since that doesn't require equality. however, it does require some level of detachment, and we do not have that, and so maybe a real breaking off of contact could be a therapeutic event instead of a distressing one.
lastly, i dont want to piss him off bc i still want those test results, dammit!