one week
i am sitting here for a moment, in order to realize that my choice has once again proven to be to WANT, and almost to need, for Jon to be the one to make me happy. i made a choice earlier today, actually late last night, that i really wanted to see him today. and in my customary rigidity, have been waiting all day to MAKE THAT HAPPEN. i wrote him a letter before going to bed, a nice one, that i wanted for him to have read this morning- but he never came by (he didn't promise he would, but that he might). my want has progressed to the point that i am now just waiting my night away to see him. granted, he said he would be here already, and he has kept me waiting. but there's nothing except myself stopping me from doing something to make myself happy for the time being. now i'm in a bad mood and don't want to do anything to make myself happy. why? bc i am waiting for him to do it for me.
so aside from Jon being somewhat of a flake, this upset is not only about him. i want to learn this lesson, i want to become self-sufficient. i want to be able to get mad at Jon in proportion to what he's actually done. want to make myself happy, never rely on him or anyone else for that.
i feel like i have a lot of "work" to do on myself, and am a little daunted, and scared that it will even get done, or done in time.
ok, i'm gonna go do something now!
so aside from Jon being somewhat of a flake, this upset is not only about him. i want to learn this lesson, i want to become self-sufficient. i want to be able to get mad at Jon in proportion to what he's actually done. want to make myself happy, never rely on him or anyone else for that.
i feel like i have a lot of "work" to do on myself, and am a little daunted, and scared that it will even get done, or done in time.
ok, i'm gonna go do something now!