Wow, I actually hit the character limit on LJ
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You are standing outside a BARBED-WIRE FENCE surrounding a PARKING LOT, which in turn surrounds a WAL-MART. Nearby you see the MUTILATED REMAINS OF A FAT KID. There is a VICIOUS DOG sitting next to you. It appears to be growing impatient.
You have equipped: a TWIRLY RUSH MUSTACHIO.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, a NOTICE, (2) BOTTLECAPS, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a SLEEVE, a BLOODY STICK, a HEEL OF STALE BREAD, and a SEALED MISSIVE.
>throw BLOODY STICK, then open SEALED MISSIVE
You hurl the STICK as hard as you can, to buy yourself time to crack open the SEALED MISSIVE and read its clearly confidential contents. You have gained CHAOS POINTS. You feel your LOGROS POWERS grow more powerful, though not as powerful as they were before you picked up your SLEEVE. You have gained DARK SIDE POINTS. You feel your DARK SIDE POWERS grow more powerful.
The contents are unintelligible gibberish. The message appears to be in some kind of code. It reads;
/t gw: omfg u were right about teh WMD. we r so m*f*ing pwned right now. im omw to Elf Round's haven with some pug dps but they are pretty noob and i saw one mage get pwned by a deer. they are all i could find tho u will need to lfm try 2 find a epic tank or we will wipe g2g p.s. sorry about the messessenger i hope he makes it thru ok like i said these guys r pretty noob.
By the time you've finished reading the mysterious script the VICIOUS DOG has returned. It drops the BLOODY STICK at your feet and waits expectantly.
>examine BARBED-WIRE FENCE
Ignoring the DOG that is steadily growing more impatient, you begin examining the BARBED-WIRE FENCE. The fence is about ten feet high, with about twelve chains of sharp blades near the top. The blades grow sharper, numerous, and more deadly the higher up they are on the fence, and you recall them moving as if by magic to cut apart the crowd of people that last tried to climb this FENCE.
If the very appearance of the FENCE were not sufficient warning, there are bits and pieces of pureed cadaver dripping from the FENCE. You recall that some of those giblets were from old you. It would definitely not be wise to climb this BARBED-WIRE FENCE.
>climb BARBED-WIRE FENCE
But screw that! You begin climbing anyway. You hear the DOG growl at you as you slowly and carefully try to ascend. You are about six feet up when your face gets snagged on one of the lower chains of BARBED WIRE. You hear a distant humming sound as something in the WAL-MART comes to life.
Sensing your helplessness, the VICIOUS DOG leaps at you and bites down on your leg. It begins worrying at your calf and shin. Although it's hard to make out with a face full of BARBED WIRE, you see the top chain begin to move back and forth, slowly gathering speed. Then you see the second chain begin moving as well. Then the third...
>use HEEL OF STALE BREAD to get VICIOUS DOG to heel
Your vision impaired by the chain of BARBED WIRE stuck fast to your face, you take out the HEEL OF STALE BREAD and begin smacking at the DOG with it. The STALE BREAD is harder than most rocks, and dislodges the VICIOUS BEAST. Your wild swinging antics also dislodges your face from the BARBED WIRE with a worrisome ripping sound. You fall to the floor, where the DOG begins worrying at your already bleeding head.
Blinking away blood, you swing at the DOG with the STALE BREAD again, and are rewarded with a resounding thwack as you brain the DOG in the head. The DOG shakes its head and backs up for a moment, growling. You take this brief respite to quickly pick yourself up.
>S
You turn towards the SOUTH and run like the dickens. Strange, you are not as fast as you were just a moment ago. As you run, you try to wipe away some of the blood on your face. It appears that you have rows of gashes on your forehead, cheeks and nose, and your chin. Some of your TWIRLY RUSH MUSTACHIO has also been torn off, and now you are sporting a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE of the variety worn by silent movie actors and demented genocidal dictators.
You can hear the DOG chasing barking and chasing you. It appears to be gaining, but then suddenly stops as if pulled back by some invisible leash. It barks loudly at you one last time before returning to the NORTH.
You find yourself at half of a small VILLAGE. You see a GENERAL STORE, an INN, a small COMMONS, and a row of HOUSES. A great, rushing brown RIVER has cut the VILLAGE in two, and you can see the SECOND HALF OF THE VILLAGE on the south bank. There are some CLUMSY VILLAGE YOUTHS on the COMMONS practicing combat with DULL SWORDS and failing miserably at it. There is an OLD WOMAN struggling to draw water from a well. There is a GIRL sitting on the INN PORCH doing a CROSSWORD PUZZLE. Everyone stops what they're doing as you approach and look at you expectantly. People start peeping their heads out the windows.
>STATUS
You are standing in the NORTH HALF of a VILLAGE. The VILLAGERS are looking at you expectantly. You feel a gentle tug from the NORTH.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, a NOTICE, (2) BOTTLECAPS, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a SLEEVE, a HEEL OF STALE BREAD, a BROKEN WAX SEAL and an UNINTELLIGIBLE MISSIVE.
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If people want to travel to do an action, that's probably going to be okay, but just give the location to cut down on potential conflicts (i.e., no one ends up running off a cliff because someone else moved first). Unless of course you want to accidentally run into someplace you didn't intend.
Here's the map so far:
WMT --- CEM
|
NHV
|
BSR
|
SHV
WMT = Walmart
CEM = Cemetery
NHV = North Half of VIllage
BSR = Brown River
SHV = South Half of Village
You are standing in the NORTH HALF of a VILLAGE. The VILLAGERS are looking at you expectantly. You feel a gentle tug from the NORTH.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, a NOTICE, (2) BOTTLECAPS, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a SLEEVE, a HEEL OF STALE BREAD, a BROKEN WAX SEAL and an UNINTELLIGIBLE MISSIVE.
>NE and give UNINTELLIGIBLE MISSIVE to GHOST-LIKE WOMAN
Uncomfortable with the way the villagers are looking at you, you head back northeast, being careful to avoid the WALMART and its vicious guardian DOG. From behind you, you hear the villagers cry:
"Dutch, wait!"
"Where are you going?"
"What happened to the rest of the team?"
You ignore them and crash into the woods.
Eventually you come upon the cemetery clearing where you saw the GHOST GIRL before. But she is nowhere to be seen. The only thing you see here is a quiet cemetery, primarily consisting of rows of HEADSTONES and a few MAUSOLEUMS. It is very quiet. Too quiet.
Suddenly, you hear movement in the brush to the WEST. The VICIOUS DOG comes bounding over to you, holding the BLOODY STICK in its mouth. It drops the BLOODY STICK by your feet and waits expectantly.
>STATUS
You are standing in a CEMETERY. There is a DOG nearby, watching you expectantly. You see a BLOODY STICK on the ground. You feel a very gentle tug to the WEST. The tug feels as though it's grown weaker.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, a NOTICE, (2) BOTTLECAPS, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a SLEEVE, a HEEL OF STALE BREAD, a BROKEN WAX SEAL and an UNINTELLIGIBLE MISSIVE.
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You are standing in a CEMETERY. There is a DOG nearby, watching you expectantly. You see a BLOODY STICK on the ground. You feel a very gentle tug to the WEST. The tug feels as though it's grown weaker.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, a NOTICE, (2) BOTTLECAPS, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a SLEEVE, a HEEL OF STALE BREAD, a BROKEN WAX SEAL and an UNINTELLIGIBLE MISSIVE.
>NOTICE SHE-GHOST
You hold up the NOTICE. You suddenly spot the GHOST GIRL, who appears to be in the middle of making a taunting expression at you. She continues taunting you until she notices you NOTICing her. Looking somewhat embarrassed, she abruptly stops and lights up a cigarette, and acts as though she's been smoking it the whole time. She stares off at a fixed random spot that is not you, though she glances at you briefly from time to time.
The DOG barks at you demandingly, and pokes its nose at the BLOODY STICK. You feel an ever-so-gentle tug from the WEST.
>STATUS
You are standing in a CEMETERY. There is a DOG nearby, watching you expectantly. There is a GHOST GIRL nearby, trying very hard not to watch you expectantly. You see a BLOODY STICK on the ground. You feel a very gentle tug to the WEST.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE and a NOTICE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (2) BOTTLECAPS, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a SLEEVE, a HEEL OF STALE BREAD, a BROKEN WAX SEAL and an UNINTELLIGIBLE MISSIVE.
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You are standing in a CEMETERY. There is a DOG nearby, watching you expectantly. There is a GHOST GIRL nearby, trying very hard not to watch you expectantly. You see a BLOODY STICK on the ground. You feel a very gentle tug to the WEST.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE and a NOTICE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (2) BOTTLECAPS, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a SLEEVE, a HEEL OF STALE BREAD, a BROKEN WAX SEAL and an UNINTELLIGIBLE MISSIVE.
>give DOG to GHOST GIRL
"Hey," you say to the GHOST GIRL. "Instead of that drink I promised you, I brought you a dog."
The GHOST GIRL puffs her cigarette. "That dog came here on its own. It's not your dog. Besides, I don't want a dog. I want that drink."
"Come on," you say. "Take the dog!"
You pocket the NOTICE and try to push the DOG to the GHOST GIRL, but the GHOST GIRL suddenly vanishes and the DOG mauls your hand when you try to reach for it. The DOG growls at you as you retreat, blood dripping from your now-mangled hand.
"You monster!" shouts the GHOST GIRL's disembodied voice. "What are you doing to that poor dog?"
>throw BLOODY STICK EAST
The DOG looks to be growing quite angry. Knowing this has worked before, you try to snatch the BLOODY STICK up from the ground with your good hand and hurl it to get the DOG away from you.
Unfortunately, you are not as quick and spry as you were before. You manage to grab the BLOODY STICK, but the DOG grabs the other end, and you soon find yourself engaged in a tug-of-war with the DOG. You consider releasing the BLOODY STICK, but then you realize that while the DOG has its jaws clenched on the STICK, it can't bite you.
"Stop abusing that dog, you monster!" you hear the GHOST GIRL shout. "I'm going to report you to the authorities!"
>HEALTH
You try to check your health. You squint your eyes funny until you see a health bar right at the periphery of your vision. You appear to be doing very poorly. Your bar is at about a quarter full, and is blinking. Your COMBAT LOG indicates that the damage was primarily caused by self-inflicted mutilation of face upon obviously harmful BARBED WIRE, followed by injuries arising from poorly considered interactions with VICIOUS DOG.
Now that's strange. You can see the shadow of a grayed out dead health bar behind your current one. And the shadow of another grayed out dead bar behind that. And another behind that. And another, and another. You're not sure how far back the grayed out bars go.
You are still clutching the BLOODY STICK, which is in turn held between the VICIOUS DOG's vise-like teeth. The air around you starts shimmering with blue streaks as the GHOST GIRL's VOICE begins calling you all manner of bad names.
>STATUS
You are standing in a CEMETERY, engaged in BLOODY STICK tug-of-war with a VICIOUS DOG. You hear a GHOSTLY VOICE shouting angrily at you. You feel a very gentle tug to the WEST.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (2) BOTTLECAPS, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a NOTICE, a SLEEVE, a HEEL OF STALE BREAD, a BROKEN WAX SEAL and an UNINTELLIGIBLE MISSIVE.
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You are standing in a CEMETERY, engaged in BLOODY STICK tug-of-war with a VICIOUS DOG. You hear a GHOSTLY VOICE shouting angrily at you. You feel a very gentle tug to the WEST.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (2) BOTTLECAPS, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a NOTICE, a SLEEVE, a HEEL OF STALE BREAD, a BROKEN WAX SEAL and an UNINTELLIGIBLE MISSIVE.
>give UNINTELLIGIBLE MISSIVE to GHOST WOMAN
Clutching the BLOODY STICK with your good hand, you fumble for the UNINTELLIGIBLE MISSIVE.
"G.W.!" You shout, as you struggle with the DOG. "Take this UNINTELLIGIBLE MISSIVE!"
Except she's not there. She's just plain vanished.
"Take the MISSIVE, goddammit!" You shout. "Where are you hiding?"
An invisible hand plucks the MISSIVE from your grasp. You see the MISSIVE open up and hover for a bit.
"This isn't for me," you hear a ghostly voice say. The MISSIVE flutters to the ground by your feet.
"Also, my name's not G.W." says the ghostly voice. "It's Cassie."
"Also, your hand is bleeding," continues the voice. "Ew."
You feel an invisible hand wipe itself on your shirt. "I hope that DOG kills you," the voice says.
>swing STICK at TOMBSTONES
Angered beyond belief at the treatment you've been getting, you swing the STICK as hard as you can towards a TOMBSTONE.
The DOG yelps, and loosens its grip on the BLOODY STICK just in time. The STICK rebounds against the TOMBSTONE, into your face, then off into the SOUTH. The DOG bounds after it. You hear the nearby brush rustle and see an indentation form as a ghostly presence barely avoids being run over by a hurtling DOG.
"You evil jerk!" You hear a voice shout, as the indentation undents itself. "Don't you sic your DOG on me!"
You are too busy feeling intense pain from STICK in gouged face to pay attention.
>eat HEEL OF STALE BREAD to recover HEALTH
You take this moment to appraise your situation. There is a DOG running after a BLOODY STICK that will likely reappear very soon to continue harassing you. You are being verbally abused by a ghostly voice. You have suffered significant injuries, and are bleeding from your hand and your face.
You need a doctor, but all you have is a HEEL OF STALE BREAD.
You bite down on the STALE BREAD, to see if this will help you recover. The STALE BREAD is harder than most rocks. Most rocks are harder than your teeth.
Wincing from the pain, you spit out a couple TEETH.
Now you need a doctor and a dentist.
>WEST
You can hear some rustling from the SOUTH, and realize that obnoxious DOG is coming back. You start booking it to the WEST, back to the WALMART.
Wait. First you pick up the MISSIVE and the TEETH to spare the need for wasted actions later. You're not sure why you picked up the TEETH, or the MISSIVE for that matter, but you're concerned that you may decide you want it after all and would prefer to avoid having to face this DOG again.
The rustling grows louder. You book it to the WEST as quickly as you can.
You arrive back at the BARBED-WIRE FENCE surrounding a PARKING LOT surrounding a WALMART. There are BITS OF HUMAN GRISTLE strewn all about. You recall fondly that this was your doing.
From the EAST, you can hear the faint sounds of barking DOG and angry GHOST. "He went that way!" You hear the ghostly voice shout. "Shoo! Get away from me, you stupid DOG!"
>STATUS
You are standing in BITS OF HUMAN GRISTLE surrounding a BARBED-WIRE FENCE surrounding a PARKING LOT surrounding a WAL-MART.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (2) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a NOTICE, a SLEEVE, a HEEL OF STALE BREAD, a BROKEN WAX SEAL and a MISSIVE.
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You are standing in BITS OF HUMAN GRISTLE surrounding a BARBED-WIRE FENCE surrounding a PARKING LOT surrounding a WAL-MART.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (2) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a NOTICE, a SLEEVE, a HEEL OF STALE BREAD, a BROKEN WAX SEAL and a MISSIVE.
>swallow (1) BOTTLECAP
For lack of anything better to do, you open up your mouth and toss in a BOTTLECAPS (1). Those things are a bitch to swallow. After nearly choking yourself and likely creating gouges in your esophagus, you finally manage to force the BOTTLECAP down. You don't think what you did was particularly good for your HEALTH. You hock up some blood.
From somewhere deep within the bowels of your bowels, you hear a soft "clink" sound. What the hell was that?
>throw HEEL OF STALE BREAD at BARBED WIRE
You weigh the HEEL OF STALE BREAD in your hand, then huck it forcefully at the BARBED WIRE. The HEEL OF STALE BREAD gets lodged in between two sharp bits. You hear a humming noise start up inside the WALMART. The lines of BARBED WIRE begin to move, but stutter as they encounter the STALE BREAD. The HEEL OF STALE BREAD is harder than most rocks. The BARBED WIRE is sharp enough to cut through most rocks.
You hear raspy and unpleasant grinding sounds as the battle begins, the outcome of which will determine whether the BARBED WIRE or the STALE BREAD can withstand comparison against more most rocks.
The STALE BREAD wins. It is harder than more most rocks than the BARBED WIRE can cut through. You hear loud snapping sounds as the BARBED WIRE ceases to move. Well, begins to cease to move. You just barely dodge out of the way as a snapping BARBED WIRE whips at your face. You back up just in case.
From within the WALMART, a column of smoke appears. You feel two very gentle tugs: one coming from the WALMART, and the other coming from the EAST.
>SAVE
This text adventure does not appear to support that option. You think this is the stupidest thing ever. What kind of text adventure doesn't support a SAVE option? You attempt to UNDO, and that doesn't work either. What the hell is this? If you'd wanted an experience that prevents SAVING or UNDOING, you would have just lived life instead.
You grow angry and attempt to HACK the game. You see a small console appear that reads:
OBJECT: DOG
HAS_ATTRIBUTE: VICIOUS
HAS_ATTRIBUTE: FURRY
HAS_ATTRIBUTE: ATTRACTED_TO_MAGIC
HAS_PRIMARYFUNCTION: KILL
HAS_PRIMARYFUNCTION: EAT
HAS_SECONDARYFUNCTION: ANNOY
HAS_CONDITION: HUNGRY
HAS_ITEM: BLOODYSTICK
IN_LOCATION: GRAVEYARD
IS_PERFORMING: ANNOY(GHOSTGIRL)
Confused, you fiddle with it. The text in the console begins whirring like a slot machine on crack, then suddenly poofs away in a cloud of smoke, reminiscent of what that STALE BREAD did to the WALMART just a moment ago. The VICIOUS DOG suddenly appears before you, biting down on what appears to be a BLOOD RED ROSE. The DOG looks extremely pissed.
>STATUS
You are standing in BITS OF HUMAN GRISTLE surrounding a BROKEN BARBED-WIRE FENCE surrounding a PARKING LOT surrounding a WALMART. There is a COLUMN OF SMOKE rising out of the WALMART. In front of you is a VICIOUS DOG, biting on a BLOOD RED ROSE. You see a HEEL OF STALE BREAD lodged in the BROKEN BARBED-WIRE.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (1) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a NOTICE, a SLEEVE, a BROKEN WAX SEAL and a MISSIVE.
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You are standing in BITS OF HUMAN GRISTLE surrounding a BROKEN BARBED-WIRE FENCE surrounding a PARKING LOT surrounding a WALMART. There is a COLUMN OF SMOKE rising out of the WALMART. In front of you is a VICIOUS DOG, biting on a BLOOD RED ROSE. You see a HEEL OF STALE BREAD lodged in the BROKEN BARBED-WIRE.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (1) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a NOTICE, a SLEEVE, a BROKEN WAX SEAL and a MISSIVE.
>fold MISSIVE into PAPER AIRPLANE and throw it at WALMART
The DOG growls at you with menacing menacingness.
Thinking quickly, you prepare to defend yourself by folding the UNINTELLIGIBLE MISSIVE into an INCOMPREHENSIBLE PAPER AIRPLANE. It's made of paper and has appendages that resemble wings. Good enough.
The DOG's growls take on the urgent undertones of imminent death.
You huck the PAPER AIRPLANE at the WALMART. It soars lopsidedly through the air across the PARKING LOT. As it hovers above the WALMART, the EXPOSED WIRE suddenly snaps up, like a snake lying in wait, and electrocutes the PAPER AIRPLANE. The INCOMPREHENSIBLE PAPER AIRPLANE transforms into FINE POWDERY ASH, which lands in a little heap on the ground.
You have destroyed an apparently very urgent and confidential MISSIVE, which you had earlier read when you weren't supposed to. You have gained DARK SIDE POINTS. You feel your DARK SIDE POWERS increase. You have gained CHAOS POINTS. You feel your LOGROS POWERS increase.
The DOG leaps at you as you try to figure out your newfound powers, or whether they in fact exist at all. Thankfully, the heady scent of the BLOOD RED ROSE appears to be interfering with the DOG's murderous instincts. It sneezes, giving you just enough time to dodge out of the way. Your STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE tingles a bit.
You feel a very gentle tug coming from the WALMART. You feel an even gentler tug coming from somewhere towards the SOUTHEAST.
>ride DOG like MECHANICAL BULL
As the DOG continues its sneezing fit, you take the opportunity to leap on top of the DOG and ride it like a MECHANICAL BULL! Yee-haw!
The DOG doesn't appear to appreciate the situation. It bucks wildly, trying to throw you off. You hang on like the dickens.
Growling angrily, it leaps over the BROKEN BARBED-WIRE FENCE in a single bound. Although carrying your additional weight, the DOG appears to do this almost as easily as it had on the several past occasions it leapt over the BARBED-WIRE FENCE.
You are now in the PARKING LOT, gripping tightly onto the DOG as it tries to throw you off.
>go WALMART
You have no reins, but you try your best to guide the DOG towards the WALMART. It's quite difficult to accomplish this and stay on the DOG at the same time.
"Go to the WALMART, boy!" You say encouragingly. The DOG just snarls.
"C'mon boy! Go to the WALMART!" The DOG continues to try to throw you off.
"That's it, boy!" You say. "You made me do it! This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you!"
You dig your heels into the DOG. The DOG howls, and leaps into the air.
"Except it probably didn't," you add. "As that didn't hurt me at all."
The DOG nears the WALMART in its giant, frenzied leap. The EXPOSED WIRE perks its end up.
"Yet." you add.
The EXPOSED WIRE looks at the DOG for a moment. The DOG is frothing at the mouth, its eyes wild-eyed. The EXPOSED WIRE thinks better of it and returns to rest on the ground.
You crash through a display window, roll on the WALMART floor, and come to rest in a heap.
The DOG, finally free of you, goes bounding off somewhere into the depths of the WALMART.
An omnipresent voice booms across the WALMART. "Cleanup in Aisle One!" it says.
>STATUS
You are lying in a heap in AISLE ONE of the WALMART. To the SOUTH is a WALL and the BROKEN DISPLAY WINDOW you crashed through. To the WEST and EAST are MORE AISLE ONE. To the NORTH is AISLE TWO. You see nearby in AISLE ONE: a BOX OF RAT POISON, a BOOK OF RECIPES, and a PACKAGE OF OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (1) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a NOTICE, a SLEEVE, a BROKEN WAX SEAL and a MISSIVE.
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You are lying in a heap in AISLE ONE of the WALMART. To the SOUTH is a WALL and the BROKEN DISPLAY WINDOW you crashed through. To the WEST and EAST are MORE AISLE ONE. To the NORTH is AISLE TWO. You see nearby in AISLE ONE: a BOX OF RAT POISON, a BOOK OF RECIPES, and a PACKAGE OF OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (1) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a NOTICE, a SLEEVE, a BROKEN WAX SEAL and definitely not any MISSIVE.
>use NOTICE
You pull out the NOTICE and wave it around. You feel very silly doing this.
You do notice a very big WARNING label on the RAT POISON, however. The WARNING indicates that the contents of the BOX OF RAT POISON are not edible, that eating the contents of the BOX OF RAT POISON could pose a health hazard, that the surgeon general generally recommends against eating the contents of the BOX OF RAT POISON, and that if for some reason you eat the contents of the BOX OF RAT POISON anyway, you should immediately induce vomiting and call a doctor. You wonder why the label "RAT POISON" wasn't enough. You wonder if this means you can eat the BOOK OF RECIPES, the PACKAGE OF OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS, AISLE ONE, or the BROKEN DISPLAY WINDOW, which don't have similar warnings.
As you go to put away the NOTICE, you suddenly notice a BIG YELLOW SIGN down AISLE ONE a little ways. It also has a WARNING, in several languages, telling you that the floor is wet. THE BIG YELLOW SIGN is apparently edible, since it contains no WARNING against consumption.
>get BOX OF RAT POISON, BOOK OF RECIPES, and PACKAGE OF OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS.
You pick up the BOX OF RAT POISON. There's a big WARNING on it. It looks tasty.
You pick up the BOOK OF RECIPES. It's a thick book, containing instructions on how to make various food items. Reading this book would allow you to make these food items, assuming you understood what they meant by words like "mince," "baste," "broil," "pinch," or "dice." You don't, really. You're starting to get hungry, but all you have is this BOX OF RAT POISON.
You pick up the PACKAGE OF OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS. They were apparently manufactured by BULKY HAPPY GARBAGE SACK CO. The GARBAGE BAGS depicted on the packaging appear to be quite large. Large enough to fit a fully grown adult inside. The GARBAGE BAGS also feature an EASY-AS-PIE TIE, which supposedly make it a breeze to tie up the GARBAGE BAG once you've fit your fully-grown-adult-sized waste material into it.
>consult RECIPE BOOK for tasty RAT POISON recipes
You flip through the RECIPE BOOK to see if there are any tasty recipes for creating RAT POISON, or for any tasty recipes that use RAT POISON as an ingredient. Surprisingly, there don't appear to be very many, despite the fact that the RAT POISON looks so deliciously edible and fit for human consumption.
You finally find one. It's the recipe for COLONEL CINDERS' SECRET CHICKEN SAUCE. The recipe requires a careful blend of eleven ingredients. The first is SALT boiled from the tears of recently orphaned children. The second is hand-picked PEPPER that must be prepared by dusting the POPE with it until he sneezes. The third is the finest FLOUR, produced by cutting up IRRADIATED WINTER WHEAT into powder with a KATANA forged by a BLIND MASTER TAMAHAGANE SMITH. The fourth is specially prepared MONOSODIUM GLUTAMATE containing extra protons in the HYDROGEN molecule. The fifth is OREGANO grown from a specific island in the AEGEAN SEA that apparently no longer exists. The sixth is OIL extracted from an adult human that has recently died of BOTULISM. The seventh is the ASHES of the original, deceased PAUL MCCARTNEY. The eighth is the ASHES of the original, deceased MRS. CINDERS. The ninth is the ESSENCE OF GULLIBILITY extracted from COLONEL CINDERS' in-laws. The tenth is the HAIR OF A FEMALE GHOST. The eleventh and last ingredient is HIGH-QUALITY RAT POISON, extracted from a DEAD RAT.
The recipe continues on to discuss how to combine these ingredients, which apparently requires a massive, 200 liter pressure cooker. The recipe abruptly cuts off, however. It appears the next page is missing. Instead, someone has taped in a page that simply reads: "Treguna, Mekoides, Trecorum, Satis, Dee."
>STATUS
You are in AISLE ONE of the WALMART. To the SOUTH is a WALL and the BROKEN DISPLAY WINDOW you crashed through. To the WEST and EAST are MORE AISLE ONE. To the NORTH is AISLE TWO. You see nearby in AISLE ONE: a BIG YELLOW SIGN.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (1) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a NOTICE, a SLEEVE, a BROKEN WAX SEAL, a BOX OF TASTY RAT POISON, a RECIPE BOOK, and a PACKAGE OF OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS. You have no MISSIVE.
----------------------------
You are in AISLE ONE of the WALMART. To the SOUTH is a WALL and the BROKEN DISPLAY WINDOW you crashed through. To the WEST and EAST are MORE AISLE ONE. To the NORTH is AISLE TWO. You see nearby in AISLE ONE: a BIG YELLOW SIGN.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (1) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a NOTICE, a SLEEVE, a BROKEN WAX SEAL, a BOX OF TASTY RAT POISON, a RECIPE BOOK, and a PACKAGE OF OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS. You have no MISSIVE.
>wear SLEEVE
You look at the SLEEVE forlornly. You now regret having torn it off your shirt. It was an irrational and senseless thing for you to do, and your only comfort is that it was one of many such acts.
You can't really attach the SLEEVE to your shirt again, so you instead wrap it around your head. You look like a cross between the Karate Kid and utterly stupid.
You feel a little bit calmer. You feel much, much uglier. APPEARANCE - 5.
>N
You make your way down AISLE ONE to head NORTH to AISLE TWO. On the way, you are ambushed by a hidden PUDDLE OF WATER that jumps out at you from nowhere. You slip and crack your head against the BIG YELLOW SIGN. You think you might have a concussion. You should sue!
As you're picking yourself up, a CUP OF BURNING HOT COFFEE materializes out of nowhere and tries to spill itself on your lap. You luckily manage to intercept it. The CUP OF BURNING HOT COFFEE writhes in your grasp. You are hard pressed to keep the lid on it.
Struggling with the CUP OF COFFEE, you manage to turn the corner and enter AISLE TWO.
In AISLE TWO, you see: a BOX OF CONDOMS, a PAIR OF TINY SCISSORS, and a BOOK OF BABY NAMES.
>say TREGUNA, MEKOIDES, TRECORUM SATIS DEE
As you clutch the bizarrely animate CUP OF COFFEE, you decide to repeat some incomprehensible and possibly dangerous words just for fun.
"TREGUNA..." you begin. The CUP OF COFFEE begins to shake violently.
"MEKOIDES..." You hear the sounds of objects falling off shelves nearby.
"TRECORUM..." More sounds of strange movement. You hear a DOG bark nearby. The SLEEVE slips from your head and wraps around your neck like a scarf.
"SATIS DEE!" There is a loud uproar as various objects begin flying overhead. The shelves appear to have taken a life on of their own!
It takes all your strength to hold onto the CUP OF BURNING HOT COFFEE. The SLEEVE begins to choke you to death.
From the WEST end of AISLE TWO, a deranged, angry DOG begins rushing at you.
>STATUS
You are in AISLE TWO of the WALMART. To the SOUTH is AISLE ONE. To the NORTH is AISLE THREE. You see nearby in AISLE ONE: a BOX OF CONDOMS, a PAIR OF TINY SCISSORS, a BOOK OF BABY NAMES, and various RANDOM FLYING OBJECTS. A VICIOUS DOG is rushing at you from the WEST of AISLE TWO.
You have equipped: a STUBBY RUSH STUBSTACHE, a SLEEVE that is currently choking you, and a CUP OF HOT COFFEE.
You are currently carrying: a LONG JIMBERJAM, (1) BOTTLECAPS, (2) TEETH, a GRUE DETECTOR, a [SURUJIN OF INFINITESIMAL BEATINGS], EXOTIC EARWAX, a NOTICE, a BROKEN WAX SEAL, a BOX OF TASTY RAT POISON, a RECIPE BOOK, and a PACKAGE OF OVERSIZED GARBAGE BAGS.