(no subject)
The telephone rings.
Amber: Hello?
Recorded Voice: Please do not hang up-
(Amber hangs up).
(Two minutes pass. The phone rings.)
Amber: Hello?
Cheerful male voice: Hello. I'm calling on behalf of Consolidated Interests concerning our spectacular rewards program. This package includes travel miles, gift certificates, dining credits, and many other benefits to VISA credit card holders. And the offer is absolutely free for the first month.
Amber: But I don't even have a credit card.
Cheerful guy: And did I mention that there's an APR rate reduction to 5.4 percent if you elect to take advantage of this offer today?
Amber: You didn't, but I don't think I'm interested, er, what was your name again?
Cheerful guy: My name is Richard Taverner.
Amber: Yeah, Richard, I mean, I don't think this even applies to me, you know?
R.T.: Members who take advantage of this wonderful package receive all the perks of the platinum members, but without the annual fee.
Amber: (looks down at her stomach, which is currently growling): Gah, I'm hungry. You know what I want?
R.T.: What may I do for you?
Amber: I really want a chicken. Can you get me a chicken?
R.T.: (a moment of silence): Well... Uh... Do you mean a whole chicken?
Amber: Yes. I'm so hungry I could consume an entire fat bird.
R.T.: ... ... I assume that you would prefer that the chicken be dead, right?
Amber: That's right. And basted in a tangy orange barbeque sauce.
R.T.: Er, let me ask my supervisor. Would you mind holding for a moment?
Amber: (picking dirt from out of her thumbnail): No problem.
(A few minutes pass, during which Amber patiently waits on the line. She begins playing a game of Tetris on her Game Boy, which has the batteries taped in due to her having lost the cover many a year ago)
R.T.: Hello? Ma'am?
Amber: Uh-huh? I'm here.
R.T.: I spoke to my supervisor. He said we can get you the chicken. May I have your name and address so that I can send you the application?
Amber: Well, this is totally free for the first month, right?
R.T.: Yes.
Amber: If I cancel before the end of the month, I don't have to pay a cent, right?
R.T.: Yes. That's right.
Amber: And I get my roasted chicken?
R.T.: Uh-huh.
Amber: You know... To be honest with you, Richard, I don't think I can count on myself to remember to cancel in time, so that'd just be another burden on me. You have a good day.
R.T.: But, ma'am-
(Amber hangs up. She goes to the kitchen and makes a sandwhich out of a bagel from a bag chock-full of various bread-like food items she brought home from her workplace, toasting it, applying several slices of veggie turkey and mustard. She sits down in front of her television, begins playing an episode of Futurama. She's already seen this one. She takes a bite of her sandwich. The doorbell rings. She gets up to answer the door. Her dog takes her sandwich.)
Amber: (with her mouth full): Yes?
Man in white shirt and red tie: Hello, my name's Dick.
Woman in blue turtleneck sweater: And I'm Mary.
Amber: (spraying bagel crumbs from her mouth): Oh, hi.
Dick: And we're from the Church of Latter Day Saints.
Mary: Do you have a moment?
Amber: Sure, why not?
Dick: First of all, I'm certain you've heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.
(Amber's eyes light up).
Amber: (enthusiastically): Oh, yes! Jesus! He lives in an aquarium in my bedroom.
(The Mormons look at each other apprehensively).
Dick: We're serious.
Amber: So am I! Jesus is alive and well. He's taken the form of a frog, which is a bit strange considering that he's the son of God and all that, but, you know, the lord works in mysterious ways.
Mary: (skeptically): So he's your pet frog...
Amber: Uh-huh. (wipes a spot of mustard off her face with her sleeve). You see, I got this pet frog a few months ago, and I named him Flapjaxx, because, you know, I love pancakes so much. And then, one day, he got really sick. I mean, you could tell, because he wasn't moving much or eating or going to the bathroom even, and his skin wasn't covered with the usual coating of slime that's indicative of a healthy frog body. And a few days later, he died. (looks down sadly).
Dick: I'm... uh, sorry?
Amber: I was really upset. I mean, he was my only pet... and somehow I managed to kill him. Or, at least I could have taken him to the vet, saved him somehow. But I was so heartbroken that I didn't have it in me to get rid of his body or anything, so I just left it in my aquarium.
Mary: (mildly disgusted) So, you're saying that Jesus is a dead frog. That lives in an aquarium in your bedroom.
(Dick gestures to Mary in a manner that is not entirely surreptitious that they should move on to another house).
Amber: Yeah! But, you see, a miracle occurred! About a week later, when I began the nightly ritual of staring at his dead form for an hour before I retired to sleep, I noticed that he was alive again! He was breathing all normal, and his skin was all slimy. It was a tooootal miracle. I mean, he was resurrected from the dead by God's hand. So, I rechristened him 'Jesus Christ'. I mean, who else could rise from the dead like that. It must be a reincarnated form of Jesus.
Mary: Listen, it was good talking to you. It seems that you're already some sort of believer so-
Amber: Believe me, I pay my respects to him constantly. I've built a shrine to him. And I'm thinking about starting my own church, letting people come in and pray to him. Pay homage and all that sort of thing. You two are welcome to join. There's no annual fee if you join within the first month.
Dick: (a bit brusquely): No thanks.
Amber: Say, you two must be parched for all the preaching and converting and witnessing and all that stuff that you do. Why don't you come in and have a glass of lemonade.
Mary: No, that's quite all right.
Dick: Yes... We need to be moving on.
Amber: Oh. Goodbye. (shuts door quickly).
(Amber sits back down on her couch, notices her sandwich is missing).
Amber: Goddammit, Ubu! I'm gonna shove a stopper down your throat.
Amber: Hello?
Recorded Voice: Please do not hang up-
(Amber hangs up).
(Two minutes pass. The phone rings.)
Amber: Hello?
Cheerful male voice: Hello. I'm calling on behalf of Consolidated Interests concerning our spectacular rewards program. This package includes travel miles, gift certificates, dining credits, and many other benefits to VISA credit card holders. And the offer is absolutely free for the first month.
Amber: But I don't even have a credit card.
Cheerful guy: And did I mention that there's an APR rate reduction to 5.4 percent if you elect to take advantage of this offer today?
Amber: You didn't, but I don't think I'm interested, er, what was your name again?
Cheerful guy: My name is Richard Taverner.
Amber: Yeah, Richard, I mean, I don't think this even applies to me, you know?
R.T.: Members who take advantage of this wonderful package receive all the perks of the platinum members, but without the annual fee.
Amber: (looks down at her stomach, which is currently growling): Gah, I'm hungry. You know what I want?
R.T.: What may I do for you?
Amber: I really want a chicken. Can you get me a chicken?
R.T.: (a moment of silence): Well... Uh... Do you mean a whole chicken?
Amber: Yes. I'm so hungry I could consume an entire fat bird.
R.T.: ... ... I assume that you would prefer that the chicken be dead, right?
Amber: That's right. And basted in a tangy orange barbeque sauce.
R.T.: Er, let me ask my supervisor. Would you mind holding for a moment?
Amber: (picking dirt from out of her thumbnail): No problem.
(A few minutes pass, during which Amber patiently waits on the line. She begins playing a game of Tetris on her Game Boy, which has the batteries taped in due to her having lost the cover many a year ago)
R.T.: Hello? Ma'am?
Amber: Uh-huh? I'm here.
R.T.: I spoke to my supervisor. He said we can get you the chicken. May I have your name and address so that I can send you the application?
Amber: Well, this is totally free for the first month, right?
R.T.: Yes.
Amber: If I cancel before the end of the month, I don't have to pay a cent, right?
R.T.: Yes. That's right.
Amber: And I get my roasted chicken?
R.T.: Uh-huh.
Amber: You know... To be honest with you, Richard, I don't think I can count on myself to remember to cancel in time, so that'd just be another burden on me. You have a good day.
R.T.: But, ma'am-
(Amber hangs up. She goes to the kitchen and makes a sandwhich out of a bagel from a bag chock-full of various bread-like food items she brought home from her workplace, toasting it, applying several slices of veggie turkey and mustard. She sits down in front of her television, begins playing an episode of Futurama. She's already seen this one. She takes a bite of her sandwich. The doorbell rings. She gets up to answer the door. Her dog takes her sandwich.)
Amber: (with her mouth full): Yes?
Man in white shirt and red tie: Hello, my name's Dick.
Woman in blue turtleneck sweater: And I'm Mary.
Amber: (spraying bagel crumbs from her mouth): Oh, hi.
Dick: And we're from the Church of Latter Day Saints.
Mary: Do you have a moment?
Amber: Sure, why not?
Dick: First of all, I'm certain you've heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.
(Amber's eyes light up).
Amber: (enthusiastically): Oh, yes! Jesus! He lives in an aquarium in my bedroom.
(The Mormons look at each other apprehensively).
Dick: We're serious.
Amber: So am I! Jesus is alive and well. He's taken the form of a frog, which is a bit strange considering that he's the son of God and all that, but, you know, the lord works in mysterious ways.
Mary: (skeptically): So he's your pet frog...
Amber: Uh-huh. (wipes a spot of mustard off her face with her sleeve). You see, I got this pet frog a few months ago, and I named him Flapjaxx, because, you know, I love pancakes so much. And then, one day, he got really sick. I mean, you could tell, because he wasn't moving much or eating or going to the bathroom even, and his skin wasn't covered with the usual coating of slime that's indicative of a healthy frog body. And a few days later, he died. (looks down sadly).
Dick: I'm... uh, sorry?
Amber: I was really upset. I mean, he was my only pet... and somehow I managed to kill him. Or, at least I could have taken him to the vet, saved him somehow. But I was so heartbroken that I didn't have it in me to get rid of his body or anything, so I just left it in my aquarium.
Mary: (mildly disgusted) So, you're saying that Jesus is a dead frog. That lives in an aquarium in your bedroom.
(Dick gestures to Mary in a manner that is not entirely surreptitious that they should move on to another house).
Amber: Yeah! But, you see, a miracle occurred! About a week later, when I began the nightly ritual of staring at his dead form for an hour before I retired to sleep, I noticed that he was alive again! He was breathing all normal, and his skin was all slimy. It was a tooootal miracle. I mean, he was resurrected from the dead by God's hand. So, I rechristened him 'Jesus Christ'. I mean, who else could rise from the dead like that. It must be a reincarnated form of Jesus.
Mary: Listen, it was good talking to you. It seems that you're already some sort of believer so-
Amber: Believe me, I pay my respects to him constantly. I've built a shrine to him. And I'm thinking about starting my own church, letting people come in and pray to him. Pay homage and all that sort of thing. You two are welcome to join. There's no annual fee if you join within the first month.
Dick: (a bit brusquely): No thanks.
Amber: Say, you two must be parched for all the preaching and converting and witnessing and all that stuff that you do. Why don't you come in and have a glass of lemonade.
Mary: No, that's quite all right.
Dick: Yes... We need to be moving on.
Amber: Oh. Goodbye. (shuts door quickly).
(Amber sits back down on her couch, notices her sandwich is missing).
Amber: Goddammit, Ubu! I'm gonna shove a stopper down your throat.