Be warned-this is an extremely long, long post with lots of ranting... Ahhh~ I fear no one is going to read this because it’s so long... xD; Anyway...
Kya!! I’m such a fool! I feel like such an idiot! Like a crazed fangirl! IIE~~~~! *shakes head dramatically, letting her hair spin around with anime twinkles everywhere*
T_T Let me explain; I’ve been re-reading my Fruits Basket manga over again. I’ve always really, really, REALLY loved that series. It has touched my heart in many ways and taught me many things; I mean I totally idolize Tohru Honda for crying out loud! She’s like my all time favorite female heroine! I’ve always wanted to be just like her! I know, I sound like a 5 year old when I say something like that! I’m 18 and I want to be like a fictional character... but I think she’s a very amazing person D8... (Natsuki Takaya, I love you for creating her xD;!)
But reading it has brought back a lot of thoughts and feelings. It’s really an amazing series; able to invoke so many emotions for me... Ah~ I could wax poetics just yakking about it. It’s one of the few things in life that I really admire.
But back to the issue on my mind... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~! STUPID FANGIRL MIND!! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!!!
I kind of thought that since I got into Tales of the Abyss that I had become a more reasonable 'fangirl’, respecting the characters a little more and such... I thought even my desire to see shonen-ai in everything had partially dissolved, or at least subdued a little as I was able to accept more het-pairings. I can’t say I still don’t go berserk and start raving endless about the things I love the most, but it’s partly just who I am; I like to say, 'This is what I love and this is who I am!’ I’ve always thought that if people couldn’t accept me for that, maybe we weren’t meant to get along. I mean, no one can be built to please everyone. Of course, some more issues come along with that when it comes to my personality, but I’ll spare you.
But yes.... BACK TO THE SUBJECT I’M TRYING TO GET TO. BL PAIRINGS UP THE YIN YANG! T_T The more I continue to re-read the series, I can’t help but think, 'Oh~ Kyo/Yuki is really cute! I want to see some Haru/Yuki too! Perhaps even some Ayame/Ritsu might be nice!’ AND THEY DON’T STOP! AND I KEEP CREATING MORE PAIRINGS. Now that I think of it... I’m just a push over when it comes to couples these days. If it’s cute, I’m just all over it like white on rice. KYUUUUUUUUUUTEEEEEEEEE!!!
... But I suppose its better then most crazed yaoi fans that are in it for just the porn... I don’t mean to point fingers or anything -_-;;; I’m on Y-Gallery, so that doesn’t really make me an exception to that point necessarily... I mean, a couple of days ago I was surfing around Adult Fan fiction reading things and thinking 'I wish I could do something like this...’ HOW SHAMELESS OF ME! It’s the same with Y-Gallery though... but I can’t bring myself to create anything that involves that 'P’ word. How about I just shout it out to the world?! I HAVE A PENIS PHOBIA!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHH~!!! (Why? Long story u_u a lot of it has to do with my how naïve/innocent I was/sort of still am, and my fear of needles, and bad teachers 'avoiding’ the topic and misleading me.)
... This then brings me back to the issue of Boy Love. WHY THE HELL DO I LIKE IT ANYWAY?!?! Oh wait... it’s cute, that’s why |D’ haha... I can still remember what got me into it in the first place. This one super angsty Kai/Rei Beyblade fan fiction I read years ago (I was obsessed with it for the longest time o_o;;; Beyblade... and that fan fiction. I even went as far as to print it off so I could read it offline... I still remember the title! "Staring into Scarlet eyes Arch" or "Arc" I forget...). But I found it extremely touching to be able to love someone regardless of gender. It’s strange; the issue of 'love’ has always been a complicated topic for me.
Anyway, I began thinking about making my journal a friend’s only journal lately, save for my art dumps. Mainly because I suddenly got a bunch of weird comments that I didn’t necessarily like, mainly someone posting about my art saying 'I don’t like how you drew this character’. Argh! It’s a bit frustrating! I can’t please everyone with my art, sometimes I wish people would consider that a little.
To be honest, I really appreciate all the wonder compliments my art gets, at times I even feel a little bit guilty because I feel that I might become a little greedy for attention. I don’t want to become that sort of person though. But those wonderful comments become like air to me, filling me up and push me on to try and achieve sometime even greater. They’re very encouraging.
But I especially like constructive criticism. I think the time people spend to try and help me make those improvements is even more encouraging. My friend Reenee does that a lot for me, and I really appreciate it. Though sometimes I wish I could help people by doing the same, but I don’t have the heart to point out their mistakes T_T; I’m not confident in myself when it comes to offering that kind of help, I’m always worried that they might take it the wrong way, you know? I don’t want to hurt anyone. I really want to encourage others to draw and improve as well, but I don’t have much advice to give...
Of course, I will want to eat their brains if they start comparing their art to mine; it’s something I absolute despise to say the least.
Uh-oh, here comes an art history moment!
I can say the environment I grew up drawing in... no, I can’t say it has anything to much with the environment; I was just always completely oblivious. I had three really good artists around me at my elementary school when I started drawing seriously, but it was strange how I never once compared my art to theirs. Maybe it’s because they always complemented me on my drawings (EVEN IF THEY WERE HORRIBLE. I LOOK BACK AND CRY.) and I never tried that hard to improve because I didn’t think there was anything wrong with my art (But now that I think about it now, they were just a bit cold towards me and merely complemented me so I’d leave them alone... oh well.). I looked up to them but that was about it.
But one of the three artists that I knew, I was particularly close to, since she was the one who got me into the concept of 'drawing anime’ back then. We were both in love with Vision of Escaflowne, and she gave me a stack of colour pictures she had printed out and I’d trance them over and over (I think I have a stack somewhere hidden in my room of 50 pictures of Van’s face, all of the same picture, coloured with pencil crayon with black sparkly jell pen in his eyes...).
Later, I was reunited with Reenee near the end of Elementary school as we learned we were going to the same high school, and found out she had been drawing as well. She was able to do a lot more complicate things then me, such as CG and such. She also better at a lot of other things too, like body proportions. She opened my eyes a lot to all the things I was doing wrong, but I don’t think I ever compared my art to hers! Instead I merely though 'I need to get better!’ and then started feverously studying anime to get better. O_o I’ve always looked up but never down. Well, I only look down at my old art to say 'Man I’ve really improved since then!’ In ways, it’s kind of satisfying knowing I’m improving, and keep on improving... yay optimistic-ness.
HAH, SO NOW YOU KNOW MY SECRET! xD I think... but that experience has basically become the root to my saying 'I don’t like to call years of struggling to improve, talent.’ ^^ I’ve been drawing for now 7 years! Wow... I still can’t get over that.
But yes, back to the issue I want to get to (Boy am I getting side tracked constantly...). It’s just a little frustrating when people simply say 'I don’t like it’ because it doesn’t help me; I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Of course, if they specify what they don’t like, like 'I don’t like girly men’ it all comes circling around to the issue of not being able to please everyone with my art. I feel a little bit awful a lot of the time because I can’t help but think 'that’s a little bit selfish’. Saying something like that makes me sound like I’m stuck up or acting like I’m too good for something like that... but it bothers me so much; simply reminding myself that I can’t satisfy everyone doesn’t help.
Ahhh~ but it’s not like making my journal a friend’s only other then just my art dumps makes a difference. I’ve only received those kinds of comments on my art dumps, so it’s a hopeless cause. Oh well. But I’d like to talk about more serious things over LJ, but I don’t know... I don’t want to burden people with my problems. ^^; I’m a bit of a hypocrite in that way because I like to help other people with theirs...
Anyway, now on different issues...
My second counseling appointment went a lot better then it did before. I’m a little happy with that, now that I think we’re making some sort of progress I guess. I talked until my throat hurt! Haha, but I guess that’s to be expected, it’s easy to set me off into a ranting mood (yah, I know, it’s like, NO SHIT, especially just looking at entry! And I’m worse in real life xD;... except over the phone o_o;;;) It’s kind of nice to talk and just have someone listen though... It makes me realize that even for the babbling idiot I am that there haven’t always been that many opportunities where people just listened.
Hayhay! I know! I’ll post a bit of art that I did before my tablet broke down! It’s a concept sketch for this statue in my story 'Dark Matter: Destiny’ 8D! I’m actually really happy with the way it came out xDDD IT MEANS I CAN DRAW BACKGROUNDS AFTER ALL! And I didn’t need to do all the weird lines and shit my teachers tried to teach me to do! Actually, |D; At least not the insane grid we were taught, just some perspective lines and what not. But yes, I wish I could make it a little more elaborate, xD It looks more like an alien then some majestic statue that has a god sword sealed within o_o;;. Ah well, that’s why it’s a concept sketch...
WHOO! THIS POST IS OFFICIALLY LONGER THEN THE ESSAYS I USED TO WRITE FOR SCHOOL! Almost 2000 words yo. Defiantly longer then my essays...
Nyao~rin 8D;; I think I'm done... (Nyao~rin is my new cute noise |D;)