Random post is random
I don't know why I'm coming back here to post this.
I guess it's cause here on my LJ there's just a recorded history of so much stuff that's happened to me during the past few years of my life.
Stuff that's lead me to sort of reflect on myself.
I have to say after the last year and a half of having left LJ, I've turned into such a different person.
I feel a little wiser, a little tougher, done some self exploration, learned things about myself and about other people, opened my eyes a bit to actually look beyond myself and at the world, became humbled by what I discovered. I even understand the things that happened to me better and while reading older entries I tell myself how wrong I was in those situations...
I also feel like I've grown numb in a strange way; I lack the sort of feeling I think I should have in certain situations. It's like I have empathy but I can't express it right -- like there's a hole in my chest where everything should be. I only experience emotions in intense flashes that come out of the blue and disappear just as quickly; inexplicable moments that give me whip lashed and leave me both stunned and confused.
It's become strange to feel anything these days.
I often feel like I'm backtracking on my life lately, looking for some sort of substance that will revive the compassion I used to have for day to day life. It's like I'm looking for something to justify me being alive for whatever reason. In a way it's a good thing because I've started to brave things I never dared to do before.
I definitely feel like I've grown colder towards people. I've narrowed down my relationships with people to only a few people in real life and have no real interest in acquiring anything more. It's exhausting enough to put on a face at work.
Online I've made a few friends, but those friendships seem to hold a short life span... which is something I've frankly grown accustom to on the internet. It's sad falling apart from people you learned to really care about because of differ in interests... but it's such a regular occurrence and I'd feel bad for faking appearances just to keep talking to them.
That's something I just can't justify myself doing anymore; pretending to be something I'm not. I just think that if it's someone I respect, I want to be honest with them because they deserve that much at least.
Of course, having become a bit of a recluse person has dissolved my social skills and I've become more awkward with words and such...
I don't know anymore... I don't even know where I'm going in writing this.
Wehh well I think I've tuckered myself out. I pretty much started writing this to make myself sleepy and I think I can say it worked pretty well...