I feel so fucking lost right now. I think I need help.
I mean it. I feel just so... disconnected from everything.
The entry for the meme I made yesterday... I don't remember making it. I don't remember ANYTHING from yesterday. One second, I was down in the basement laying on my bed with Eileen (read: vandigo), facing the wall (this is on SATURDAY night, mind you).... and the next minute, I'm facing her without remembering turning over. It wasn't a minute that passed, though. Apparently, an entire day passed and I had no memory of it. Eileen and I argued for a minute or so about what day it was before I checked the calendar on my phone. It was indeed Sunday. Somehow, I managed to lose an entire day. And I had missed something insanely important.
Eileen told me my aunt died. She claimed that I told her that my aunt died of a heart attack when I first woke her up. After I freaked out a little, Eileen agreed to come upstairs and get on the computer with me while I looked to confirm what she said. And it was true. I had mentioned it on here, my grandmother and mom had made Facebook posts about it... I had emailed my uncle. All of it was true.
And yesterday, apparently, I went to Costco with Eileen's parents. I went to Costco with them and then we came home and had ribs for dinner. I don't remember any of it, and apparently, they didn't notice that anything had changed otherwise they would've brought it up.
I've blacked out before many many times... hell, it's become so regular, I haven't freaked out nearly as much as I used to. But I haven't blacked out for more than a few hours in a VERY long time. VERY long time. And the voices... they started talking TO me awhile back... and they continue to get louder and more demanding of me.
Fucked part is, I'm starting to automatically react to them sometimes... do what they say. One of them will say something like "drop it" and I'll drop whatever I'm holding. Or they'll say "skip a step" and I'll end up falling down the stairs. The responses are almost like second nature to me and while it hasn't been anything HORRIBLE... it makes me fucking terrified to learn how to drive.
I don't know what to do with this. I'm obviously going to have to cave and get help... but it's not something we can afford. I know there are free/sliding scale mental health clinics around here. I'm scared to go to one. I'm afraid to figure out what all this means. What's going to happen to me.
Eileen thinks the news of Aunt Laurie's death triggered the black out. Obviously, it hasn't had the same effect this time around.
I don't know what to do or how to feel at this point... with the voices getting louder and more direct and with the blackouts and then feeling like I'm not in control of my movements at times... It looks like I don't have a choice BUT to get help. But with getting help comes the risk of everyone finding out that I'm... what... sick? Is that really the word to use in this situation?
What if I'm diagnosed with something that goes on my record? That prevents me from ever finding a job? Something that makes people view me as... something that isn't myself?
Better yet. What if we can't get it under control? What if I just continue to spiral downward until I'm finally driven out of my mind and just decide to end it permanently?
I understand that this might seem kind of odd... but these fears are legit ones in my eyes.
And finding about my aunt a second time... does this mean I'm taking it twice as hard? Or did I take it equally as hard the first time? If I did... I have no way of knowing short of asking Eileen's parents. And I'm scared to death to. I don't know what'll happen if I tell them. WHEN I tell them. As of right now, I have virtually no choice. I'll have to tell them, especially if I seek out treatment.
My aunt... we never got along, but I think that's because we're so much alike. Hard-headed. Temperamental. Proud. But I swear... she was the closest thing I had to a mother in YEARS. She took me in so I had a chance of finishing high school and not once do I remember her asking my parents to help support me. Not only did she give me a roof over my head, she supported me. She fed me and bought me clothes. I never felt quite at home, but they gave me a place I could call home.
The biggest problem between us... we didn't understand each other and we were far too much alike. That was what happened when they told me to take care of my shit or leave... they didn't understand and they were worried.
*sighs* I just feel... lost... I don't know what to do. Where to turn. The only source of support that I have is Eileen for now. As soon as I manage to tell someone else... I'll have that support. Just.
I don't know. My brain isn't working right. Part of me still thinks it's Sunday instead of Monday because of that day I lost. Only thing that doesn't add up with that is the fact that Eileen's parents both went to work today.
I need someone to talk to.
The entry for the meme I made yesterday... I don't remember making it. I don't remember ANYTHING from yesterday. One second, I was down in the basement laying on my bed with Eileen (read: vandigo), facing the wall (this is on SATURDAY night, mind you).... and the next minute, I'm facing her without remembering turning over. It wasn't a minute that passed, though. Apparently, an entire day passed and I had no memory of it. Eileen and I argued for a minute or so about what day it was before I checked the calendar on my phone. It was indeed Sunday. Somehow, I managed to lose an entire day. And I had missed something insanely important.
Eileen told me my aunt died. She claimed that I told her that my aunt died of a heart attack when I first woke her up. After I freaked out a little, Eileen agreed to come upstairs and get on the computer with me while I looked to confirm what she said. And it was true. I had mentioned it on here, my grandmother and mom had made Facebook posts about it... I had emailed my uncle. All of it was true.
And yesterday, apparently, I went to Costco with Eileen's parents. I went to Costco with them and then we came home and had ribs for dinner. I don't remember any of it, and apparently, they didn't notice that anything had changed otherwise they would've brought it up.
I've blacked out before many many times... hell, it's become so regular, I haven't freaked out nearly as much as I used to. But I haven't blacked out for more than a few hours in a VERY long time. VERY long time. And the voices... they started talking TO me awhile back... and they continue to get louder and more demanding of me.
Fucked part is, I'm starting to automatically react to them sometimes... do what they say. One of them will say something like "drop it" and I'll drop whatever I'm holding. Or they'll say "skip a step" and I'll end up falling down the stairs. The responses are almost like second nature to me and while it hasn't been anything HORRIBLE... it makes me fucking terrified to learn how to drive.
I don't know what to do with this. I'm obviously going to have to cave and get help... but it's not something we can afford. I know there are free/sliding scale mental health clinics around here. I'm scared to go to one. I'm afraid to figure out what all this means. What's going to happen to me.
Eileen thinks the news of Aunt Laurie's death triggered the black out. Obviously, it hasn't had the same effect this time around.
I don't know what to do or how to feel at this point... with the voices getting louder and more direct and with the blackouts and then feeling like I'm not in control of my movements at times... It looks like I don't have a choice BUT to get help. But with getting help comes the risk of everyone finding out that I'm... what... sick? Is that really the word to use in this situation?
What if I'm diagnosed with something that goes on my record? That prevents me from ever finding a job? Something that makes people view me as... something that isn't myself?
Better yet. What if we can't get it under control? What if I just continue to spiral downward until I'm finally driven out of my mind and just decide to end it permanently?
I understand that this might seem kind of odd... but these fears are legit ones in my eyes.
And finding about my aunt a second time... does this mean I'm taking it twice as hard? Or did I take it equally as hard the first time? If I did... I have no way of knowing short of asking Eileen's parents. And I'm scared to death to. I don't know what'll happen if I tell them. WHEN I tell them. As of right now, I have virtually no choice. I'll have to tell them, especially if I seek out treatment.
My aunt... we never got along, but I think that's because we're so much alike. Hard-headed. Temperamental. Proud. But I swear... she was the closest thing I had to a mother in YEARS. She took me in so I had a chance of finishing high school and not once do I remember her asking my parents to help support me. Not only did she give me a roof over my head, she supported me. She fed me and bought me clothes. I never felt quite at home, but they gave me a place I could call home.
The biggest problem between us... we didn't understand each other and we were far too much alike. That was what happened when they told me to take care of my shit or leave... they didn't understand and they were worried.
*sighs* I just feel... lost... I don't know what to do. Where to turn. The only source of support that I have is Eileen for now. As soon as I manage to tell someone else... I'll have that support. Just.
I don't know. My brain isn't working right. Part of me still thinks it's Sunday instead of Monday because of that day I lost. Only thing that doesn't add up with that is the fact that Eileen's parents both went to work today.
I need someone to talk to.