a small update of sorts

[baileywicked]

Been a little absent from here. Life has been coping only. I just find it so hard to believe where I am in life - wonder how I got here and wonder where to go. I feel lost and alone most of the time. The only true happiness I have felt is my daughter. Thank God for that child. How can anything that produced such a wonderous person be a mistake? I do not know what I want anymore- and if ever I think I do I quickly change my mind or mood or mindset. Not surprisingly I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and severe stress reaction to life situations. I have lost a lot of weight. About 35 pounds but I look dramatically different. I have gone from being a chubby married woman to a thin single one in a short period of time. Its jarring at times. I dont want to sound vain because trust me I do not feel it but it has caused issues with friends, men at work, my bosses, other women. I do not feel that different in many ways and yet how I am perceived is so different. I have been single by choice but had a few alcohol related encounters- I have been online chatting but rarely meet anyone- time and parenthood work against it as well as my distaste for dating in general never mind when I am completely ambivalent about anything. Which I am glad I am because- wow- if I actually cared? I have been lied to- and treated like a sexual object and had so many men ask for a friends with benefit arrangement- except it seems it always seems to neglect the friendship part. I get it - sex rules but no one wants to know me at all- just sleep with me- which might even be okay and has been I just grow weary of horny men who don't bother to even say hello before talking dirty. Guess I am old. Its mainly young men I am attracted to- this has been a pain when it comes to maturity. I detest I am back in the single world. I don't want him back I just wish things had been different if that makes sense. Life really kind of sucks to be honest but I get up everyday and I teach small children daily and parent my child and I am trying to get out more with friends. Hoping summer and warmer temperatures will help. Heading to my parents for Easter- my mentally ill father usually is mean and nasty spiteful and sour to me. The rest of my family pretends that I didnt almost die at the hands of my husband- its crazymaking. Julianna adores my mom and my nephew who will be there-
ANyway Happy Easter everyone