(no subject)
ok so, ya, found out a few days ago that the summer days of maine that i have had since my mother was pregnant with me are most likely ended. i called the g-rents today (my moms been bothering me to b/c i havent in a few days for lack of time) and asked them about it and Papa said that he thinks they're too old to continue going up there for me every year - theyre not sure, mind you, just think. they duno if theyre coming. Papa doesnt want to, Nana does so they keep on fighting about it. idk wtf im guna do here all summer. i mean ya, i realize theyre getting old. theyre both guna b 76 this year in july and august. Papa had 2 operations this winter so he's not feelin his best i am guessing. theyre on a fixed income and the property value is through the roof, therefore the taxes for their cottage that, btw, has no phone, no internet, no cable, no heating, etc., is extremely high. not real good for ppl that are on a fixed income in retirement. add that to all the food i eat all summer long and the expenses that i cause them. its not easy raising a kid, esp one with a license (as i will be getting on thursday!!!) theyre old, and too old, i guess, to take care of me all summer long. im not even sure yet, but they told me to find a job here just in case. which means, that i might not be returning to the beloved bake. apparently my tears at the end of last summer (ya remember that jackie, gina, cody, nate, aaron, michelle, elise? i was bawling cuz i was thinking that that was the end of it. forever. maybe it was, maybe it wasnt, who knows. but even so that still leaves me with a wonderment as to how long these summer trips are going to last. ive wondered, hey, is this the last year? since i was like 11 or maybe 12. and here i am guna be 17. its held on long enough as of yet, but who knows? i had prayed that it would last through senior year so that the next time i had summer vacation i could just go there myself, because i'd be old enough to. once again, maybe it will, and maybe it wont. i wanna work at 6 flags. something interesting that i could possibly make friends at. i dont want a boring ugh-i-hafta-go type of job. like school. my moms like, how bout big y. shes a real fan of it. my grandparents are knocking the whole 6flags idea, saying "i'm at risk" bla bla bla and its dangerous. f that. im a big girl, thanks. im guna have my license in 5 days, and im guna be 17 in sept. i think i can handle it. in fact forget the think. i know i can handle it. wtf do they think when i go off and live my own life that theyve all (my parents and such) have been living for me? im guna come crying home after the first month of school b/c i need mommy? thats seriously what i think they are thinking sometimes. i have like no freedom, and to be quite honest i am kinda apprehensive for the real world b/c ive never been allowed to live in it. i feel likei live in a cardboard box sometimes. ive never slept over anyones house in my life. except my neighbor but that was cuz its right next door and my rents can go check or w/e and i can just roll across some grass to be in my own house again. whatever. im just afraid this summer is guna be like the fucking school year. ya, when was the last time i went out "w/the girls" and did something fun? ahhh.....try last may, maybe? not sure, but somewhere around there. ok thats cool, coming up on a year, huh? i dont go out or anything unless i have a bf. which...the prospects of lately are kinda low. im never happy. if yall read that essay about disney, that perfectness thing is probly a huge part of that problem. i hate vacations and weekends except for the fact its a break from ceaseless work. ive never hated summer tho, b/c of maine. its my escape, my outlet, away from the rents. but as such will cease to exist i am thinking. not sure. i hope to God not yet. but who knows? hell ive been praying about it for a while. but to no avail. i just think that shit definitely happens for a reason. the more i think about stuff thats happened to me, one thing leading to another down the line, etc, it just really creeps me out. like today i had driving with michelle and shes got this disease thing and the drs dont know what it is really or w/e and it makes her wicked sick. well, she hasnt gotten sick driving w/me until my last lesson (which was today) and she was feeling wicked nautious (or however u spell that). we were just getting off the turnpike (b/c i had asked to go there i was scared of getting on the highway and i wanted to do it at least once b4 lessons were over.) well, michelle had wanted to go do the course, but im kinda sick of it and if i know it too well ill screw up the driving test. so i asked to go there. now, she got this sick feeling right as we were leaving the turnpike, which, where we left it, was close to her aunt's house. had we been doing the course or whatever, we woulda been far from either her house or any of her relatives to stop and get some help. but we were like a mile from debbie's house so i could drive right there and it would all be ok. weird huh? i wasnt even sposta be in drivers ed in westfield, i was guna take the easthampton thingy at school w/sherry (thank God i dint do that). and had i, i'd hafta wait till halfway through april almost may maybe even later to get my license. but at the last minute i decided to sign myself up (though my mom was kinda against it) for the accelerated week thing in westfield, where i met this really cool kid. yeah, u jake, if you're reading this. i was pretty surprised that we had so much in common. lol he just happened to sit next to me in class. its kinda funny, he looks like 2 ppl i know, one of which lives in maine, mikey, and this other kid i met at an xc race at school. i just randomly started to talk to jake, and now we're friends. its just funny how shit happens all connected to eachother. one thing leads to another, and i think that God must have a master plan or something, its just too weird to all be coincidences. i was also thinking about how we put words to these things. coicidence. what exactly is a coincidence? its an idea. i mean, obviously i know what it is. but in the big picture isnt it weird to think about that? maybe im the weird one looking at it funny but w/e. ive been thinking about shit a lot, and thats how i am i guess. this kid that i knew back in the day, middle school. we were like best friends. he went to voke tho and i never saw him again. but it was funny, back when we were 12 and 13 we always thought he was gay, but nope, definitely not. well, i had driving class and onroad practice with his new best friend, and he told me he was talking to my old friend about me the other day, and that, surprise surprise, my friend is now gay, just as we thought back then. weird, huh? idk its just all kinda interesting how stuff falls.
i do however, have something to say about love. i was bored clicking around on ppls profiles. one in particular happened "i love you *********" was what it said. of course, hes definitely the only one with that type of pf, but its tough to talk about all of them, so i'll pick on his. hes been dating this girl for like, a week, right? and this is just after he broke up with this girl WHICH he told her that he dint like her b/c she wasnt good enough for him. (so i have heard) but he also had i love ***** in his pf when he was dating her. love? hardly. i found a quote online the other day that makes perfect sense. "It's impossible 2 fall out of love, love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops u, it does not depart. True love is eternal. If u think you were once in love but fell out of it, than it wasn`t love u were in" so how, in the whole high school scheme of dating, where ppl move ass quick from one person to the next, can there be love? i honestly think that the word is overused and using its intended meaning. sure, its possible in high school. maybe not so likely, but possible. im like the typical girl. i want someone to love me, for me, and be perfect. ive got it in my head how i want it to be. im just kinda sick of this fakeness portrayed by the media and the overuse of the word for its intended use. its a big word, and im not so sure that ppl get that. chemistry isnt important really, anymore. just the s word. ya, sex and everything that physically goes with it. its kinda rediculous. but w/e, its ppls choices. and like i have said before, this is my journal, my thoughts. its not some rule book for other ppl to live their lives. if u wanna give me hell over it tho go right ahead i dont give a royal shit lol.
i do however, have something to say about love. i was bored clicking around on ppls profiles. one in particular happened "i love you *********" was what it said. of course, hes definitely the only one with that type of pf, but its tough to talk about all of them, so i'll pick on his. hes been dating this girl for like, a week, right? and this is just after he broke up with this girl WHICH he told her that he dint like her b/c she wasnt good enough for him. (so i have heard) but he also had i love ***** in his pf when he was dating her. love? hardly. i found a quote online the other day that makes perfect sense. "It's impossible 2 fall out of love, love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops u, it does not depart. True love is eternal. If u think you were once in love but fell out of it, than it wasn`t love u were in" so how, in the whole high school scheme of dating, where ppl move ass quick from one person to the next, can there be love? i honestly think that the word is overused and using its intended meaning. sure, its possible in high school. maybe not so likely, but possible. im like the typical girl. i want someone to love me, for me, and be perfect. ive got it in my head how i want it to be. im just kinda sick of this fakeness portrayed by the media and the overuse of the word for its intended use. its a big word, and im not so sure that ppl get that. chemistry isnt important really, anymore. just the s word. ya, sex and everything that physically goes with it. its kinda rediculous. but w/e, its ppls choices. and like i have said before, this is my journal, my thoughts. its not some rule book for other ppl to live their lives. if u wanna give me hell over it tho go right ahead i dont give a royal shit lol.