(no subject)
ok im going to rant in a whiny stuck-up privileged langley kid way. deal with it.
i've worked for 11 years. (not 12, i slacked this year.) but really worked for 11. lots of people did shit. i mean shit-- they were lazy, they didnt try, they took easy classes. im not on drugs, i dont do bad things. i take some tough classes. ive been a really good, upstanding kid.
in ballet i know i've worked my ass off. no need to go there.
and what will i have to show for it?
nothing.
maybe its growing up where i do, but i have a definite ego and pride about academics. i want to be proud of where i go. i want to say "oh, look im going to this fantastic dance school" or "oh yeah, im going to an ivy." right now, i dont think i'll be going anywhere i'll be proud of. or anywhere for that matter.
ok, now here logic steps in and says "um, you have LOTS of things that you have to be thankful for: a great education, a chance at higher education, and a work ethic." but i still feel disappointed and let down. why do others get to go to these great places? even those who didnt try dont have such high expectations so therefore they're proud of where they're going. i just feel like a failure. how can you not take it personally? i mean, really. ballet is my passion and i suck and school is my "talent" and apparently that gets me nowhere either. and EVERYONE asks about it. where are you going to school?? did you get in?? thats so personal! my god. i wouldnt feel that way if i was proud of getting in somewhere.
ok what im trying (and failing) to say is that life is unfair. and while i know this is true logically, and i accept that fact, logic has no place in feeling. all the aphorisms in the world dont change feeling. and i dont know what does. i feel like shit. haha great, now what?
i've worked for 11 years. (not 12, i slacked this year.) but really worked for 11. lots of people did shit. i mean shit-- they were lazy, they didnt try, they took easy classes. im not on drugs, i dont do bad things. i take some tough classes. ive been a really good, upstanding kid.
in ballet i know i've worked my ass off. no need to go there.
and what will i have to show for it?
nothing.
maybe its growing up where i do, but i have a definite ego and pride about academics. i want to be proud of where i go. i want to say "oh, look im going to this fantastic dance school" or "oh yeah, im going to an ivy." right now, i dont think i'll be going anywhere i'll be proud of. or anywhere for that matter.
ok, now here logic steps in and says "um, you have LOTS of things that you have to be thankful for: a great education, a chance at higher education, and a work ethic." but i still feel disappointed and let down. why do others get to go to these great places? even those who didnt try dont have such high expectations so therefore they're proud of where they're going. i just feel like a failure. how can you not take it personally? i mean, really. ballet is my passion and i suck and school is my "talent" and apparently that gets me nowhere either. and EVERYONE asks about it. where are you going to school?? did you get in?? thats so personal! my god. i wouldnt feel that way if i was proud of getting in somewhere.
ok what im trying (and failing) to say is that life is unfair. and while i know this is true logically, and i accept that fact, logic has no place in feeling. all the aphorisms in the world dont change feeling. and i dont know what does. i feel like shit. haha great, now what?