S.A.D.
Unlike usual, today it stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder instead of Social Anxiety Disorder. I'm two kinds of SAD, isn't that lovely? I can't remember if I mentioned it here or not...seeing as it's been three weeks since my last post, I doubt it. So, last week or the week before, I realized that I've been having an odd relapse of what appeared to be my social anxiety. I had all of these feelings of worthlessness in the eyes of others crop up and I suddenly really didn't want to go to work anymore. (Part of the latter is because I murdered my knee the week before last, and it swelled up at work to the size of a grapefruit, but I didn't tell anyone. So of course, it looked like I was massively slacking off instead of being in considerable pain, and I got a talkin' to.) I found myself saying rather depressing things to people I'm not usually depressed around, and just generally having a really sucky time of it. And then I realized, oh, it's December. In Colorado. I get to work as the sun rises, and go home as it sets. I ingest practically no sunlight. :/ Oops. So obviously I'm suffering from seasonal depression...and as soon as I figured that out, it got better. Once I know the problem I can alter the behavior/thought processes that compound it. Unfortunately, I inherited this SAD from my mother (one from both parents...aww...), and she has it about 50 times worse than I do. Which means I compound hers and she compounds mine. I get quieter, she gets chattier. She drinks more, I retreat further. Which makes her feel worse and try harder, which makes me want her to go away all the more. Which just generally makes the home life ridiculously unpleasant. Add to it the fact that the step brother just moved in for a couple weeks and the mother's husband's job not doing so hot, and life is just f-ing peachy all around.
Really, it's not that bad. I'm just having a bad day, I guess, 'cause I'm sick. Happy to report, however, that my immune system is doing a smashingly better job than usual, and instead of being really sick for a week and a half, I felt like I was coming down with something for four days, got sick for three, and will hopefully be mostly better tomorrow. Rock on! I'm going to thank the Cold-Eeze for helping, and recommend it to anyone who doesn't want to get massively sick. Worked for me!
Went to the museum yesterday to see the Titanic exhibit. It was very nifty...and hugely creepy. For me, anyway. I went with Derek & Suzanne and Mike & Deanna so we could have a grand old theatre pal get together, and I could still see Titanic. Unfortunately, that left me as the fifth wheel. Always the odd one out, the one accidentally left behind. Which worked, at least in Titanic, 'cause I wanted a personal experience anyway. But...yeah. Didn't help the depression much, 'cause it made me miss Jeremy with great oomph.
Also can't get a car, if I didn't mention that earlier. Even if I quit Borders and got a job that doubled my pay, I couldn't get a car. That sucks beyond suck. It was my one solace to staying here, and now I don't have it. So now I'm back to my waffling days of not knowing where I want to be or what I want to be doing with my time. I was gung-ho about going to Metro for a semester this spring, went through the process of getting it all figured out and my holds removed. And now...nothin'. Yesterday I desperately wanted to go back to New Mexico to get an architecture degree from UNM. And today I want to go to Full Sail to be a web designer. Argh! I want to be with Jeremy but I don't want to leave my friends. I want to get the hell out of this house, but I can't pay for my own place and I'd be smack in the middle of allergy season if I went back to Florida. I'm stuck. Again. And desperately wishing a great Cosmic Teacher or whatever would knock on the door and lead me down the path to becoming what I'm going to be good at. Life is so much easier in books. -__-
At least the marital side of things has quieted down. I'm not constantly worried about whether I should walk or whether I should stay. For which I am incredibly thankful and much relieved. I still can't make hard plans for the future, but at least I have some wiggle room and breathing space.
It's extra good, too, because work is nuts. We get in three or four pallets of books (that's 50+ boxes per pallet) every weekday, and clear out maybe one and a half a day. If we're lucky. And the rest of our time is spent on the floor, helping customers, answering the phone, or working register. I polled my fellow team members to see if they'd be willing to come in early again for a week so we can try to get caught up (and not have to work with customers as long every shift), but they basically said they'd rather quit. Dandy. Jeremy said they went to overnights when he was there two or three weeks before Christmas because they'd have been too backed up otherwise, but I doubt the team would be up for that, either.
Gah. It's no wonder I slept for 14 hours today...
Really, it's not that bad. I'm just having a bad day, I guess, 'cause I'm sick. Happy to report, however, that my immune system is doing a smashingly better job than usual, and instead of being really sick for a week and a half, I felt like I was coming down with something for four days, got sick for three, and will hopefully be mostly better tomorrow. Rock on! I'm going to thank the Cold-Eeze for helping, and recommend it to anyone who doesn't want to get massively sick. Worked for me!
Went to the museum yesterday to see the Titanic exhibit. It was very nifty...and hugely creepy. For me, anyway. I went with Derek & Suzanne and Mike & Deanna so we could have a grand old theatre pal get together, and I could still see Titanic. Unfortunately, that left me as the fifth wheel. Always the odd one out, the one accidentally left behind. Which worked, at least in Titanic, 'cause I wanted a personal experience anyway. But...yeah. Didn't help the depression much, 'cause it made me miss Jeremy with great oomph.
Also can't get a car, if I didn't mention that earlier. Even if I quit Borders and got a job that doubled my pay, I couldn't get a car. That sucks beyond suck. It was my one solace to staying here, and now I don't have it. So now I'm back to my waffling days of not knowing where I want to be or what I want to be doing with my time. I was gung-ho about going to Metro for a semester this spring, went through the process of getting it all figured out and my holds removed. And now...nothin'. Yesterday I desperately wanted to go back to New Mexico to get an architecture degree from UNM. And today I want to go to Full Sail to be a web designer. Argh! I want to be with Jeremy but I don't want to leave my friends. I want to get the hell out of this house, but I can't pay for my own place and I'd be smack in the middle of allergy season if I went back to Florida. I'm stuck. Again. And desperately wishing a great Cosmic Teacher or whatever would knock on the door and lead me down the path to becoming what I'm going to be good at. Life is so much easier in books. -__-
At least the marital side of things has quieted down. I'm not constantly worried about whether I should walk or whether I should stay. For which I am incredibly thankful and much relieved. I still can't make hard plans for the future, but at least I have some wiggle room and breathing space.
It's extra good, too, because work is nuts. We get in three or four pallets of books (that's 50+ boxes per pallet) every weekday, and clear out maybe one and a half a day. If we're lucky. And the rest of our time is spent on the floor, helping customers, answering the phone, or working register. I polled my fellow team members to see if they'd be willing to come in early again for a week so we can try to get caught up (and not have to work with customers as long every shift), but they basically said they'd rather quit. Dandy. Jeremy said they went to overnights when he was there two or three weeks before Christmas because they'd have been too backed up otherwise, but I doubt the team would be up for that, either.
Gah. It's no wonder I slept for 14 hours today...