Christmas re-cap and some reflection...
Before talking about my brother, the main point of this entry, I've a few words about Christmas day... it went well! My brother and I ate dinner over at Amy's. My grandma forgot where she was several times and got fretful and impatient to leave, but other than that it was a nice calm meal, and it totally beat the fray of the 30+ gathering at my aunt's place with my mom's family. After dinner, Amy, Dad, Aaron, and I went to see Sherlock Holmes at Newport on the Levee. It was a decent movie, nothing spectacular, though the end felt a bit cheap (is anyone else getting tired of abrupt cliffhangers for impending sequels?), but that's Hollywood for you. Since I read the novels and many of the short stories I already knew it wasn't going to be a sole film incarnation, but all the same, the ending felt a bit anti-climactic. I did enjoy it though, but I enjoyed Avatar much more. As in, I will probably go see Avatar at least once more during it's theatrical run, and I probably won't even Netflix Sherlock Holmes on DVD next year.
As I'll talk about in a separate entry to follow shortly, I did see Avatar with mom and Aaron today. Not much else is going on presently, though this week my mother will be off work and she, Aaron, and myself will be 'doing things'. ^^; Such activities on the roster include the Egyptian exhibit at the local museum, The Underground Railroad museum, and possibly skiing at Perfect North Slopes in Indiana. I've never skied before, I'm probably going to end up breaking a limb and be in a cast for Ohayocon, just watch. XD In all seriousness though, I'm actually pretty coordinated, I've only ice skated twice and didn't fall or stumble either time, so I'm sure I'll do just fine. With my brother however...this has potential disaster written all over it.
The poor kid is clumsy as hell. I never could teach him to roller-blade when we were little, and during scene shop training in his technical theater program at CCM last year, the professors and stage managers deemed him 'too much of a liability to hold a hammer', let alone power tools. Yikes! I know mom just wants us to do fun things together, but to Aaron, it's just another reminder of how awkward and un-agile he is, and he gets incredibly angry and frustrated with this sort of thing. When we were kids, it was so rough for him, because I was actually good at sports. I played on the school basketball team, was in my cousin's softball league, ran track, and was usually a celebrated player/member in critical positions on winning teams while participating. My brother, however, always ran the wrong direction in his pee-wee soccer league, lost his balance and fell constantly when kicking in karate, and never had a hit on his baseball team. Mom was always encouraging with him, but my dad was insulting and derisive. I, regrettably, was also a colossal jerk about my brother's lackluster performance. I was reminded of this by a home video dad played the other day while helping him to convert all the old VHS family tapes to DVD before they completely degrade. On this particular tape were some of Aaron's soccer games when he was six, and I twelve. You can hear my father and I joking and laughing off-camera the whole time at Aaron's constant charging towards the wrong goal. My god, I was such an ASS!
These days, my brother and I get along well. I was incredibly horrible to him as a child though. What happened was, despite my mother's dream of having a little girl to dress up and be her pint-sized shadow, I was the independent, outgoing, and moderately athletically gifted kid who became my dad's 'little buddy'. Aaron, however, was the sensitive, sweet introverted mamma's boy she doted on once her attempts to feminize me failed, and I tormented him relentlessly for it. The mind games I inflicted on him were really quite sick, and it's where a lot of his current anger originates from, I'm certain of it. He got bullied at school, we both did, but my poor brother had to endure it at home too.
I've apologized to him for all I did since we've been adults, but it's still something I have a lot of guilt over because he's still suffering the aftermath to this day. His anger and misanthropy totally trumps mine at age 19, and I was a bitter, spiteful bitch with very few friends. He's impressively socially retarded, and it's been said by many of mom and dad's friends and contacts that his gaze is that of a serial killer/psychopath, he has the 'crazy eye'. He's also brilliant, my brother's probably smarter than I, who always scored 98-99th percentile on all school standardized tests and was in advanced placement/gifted programs and classes from first grade on. My brother's results were always less consistent, but he struggles with severe A.D.D. unfortunately, so I know they were never an accurate representation of his aptitude or capabilities.
So the skiing thing has the potential to both lower his self-esteem further, and bring back some unpleasant memories. I'm actually extraordinarily helpful and patient with him now, but still, I'm no ski instructor, and when he's stressed he shuts down to help anyways. I've always wanted to go skiing, but I am concerned about how it will affect Aaron. My poor brother is already severely depressed at his expulsion from the tech theater program at CCM, he sees it as a failure (despite the reason for his removal from the program not being for poor work or grades, but 'not possessing the enthusiasm and drive' the program directors like to see in those working in musical theater). He's currently an undeclared major and many of his credits from last year won't transfer since they were theater major specific, and he's totally demotivated and discouraged. I don't think he needs any other potential let-downs right now. I think I'm going to advocate for an alternative activity when I talk to mom tomorrow, something less physical. ^^;
As for the long term, I can only hope that my brother will eventually let a lot of his anger go, or despite his disdain for my father, he'll end up just like him. It's actually a bit scary for me hearing and seeing the similarities between them recently. I also have fallen prey to my father's angry, self-defeating brand of martyr-dom in the past, and it doesn't end well. You invite bad shit upon yourself by harboring such attitudes, I know that better than anyone. 4 years ago, I got the shit beaten out of me by the Cincinnati police after being brought in on no charges (I had agreed to be voluntarily taken to the hospital after a loud, mostly non-violent manic altercation with my mother, but they took me to the county jail's psych ward instead, against all sorts of regulation and protocol) and was later prosecuted for my subsequent act of self-defense when they jumped me for refusing to undress in front of the officers(what HIPPA laws?)
In the aftermath, I spent 10 days in jail and 2 months in a behavioral correction facility, followed by a year of probation for assault. Did I break the law? I did not, but I knew how the system worked, I knew that sort of corruption was common place and that the cops in this town have it in for anyone with suspected mental illness, and I let my anger put myself in a position where I'd likely encounter it. A part of me even wanted them to, I wanted vindication of my hatred of 'the system', and I got it. I stood firm in my defiance, I got tortured by the jail guards for my refute of their claims to be better than I was, and I fancied myself some great rebellious revolutionary. What a goddamn joke. Had I actually maintained that conviction post-release long enough to press charges against the authorities for the abuse, I might have enacted some change that would save others from police tyranny. Alas though, it ended up being just a wake up call for myself, and one I wish my brother could learn from my experience, I don't want him to learn the way I did.
Luckily, I'm still alive and only had minor injuries from the run-in, had I been male and the cops perceived me as more of a threat, they'd have likely shot me instead of attempting to restrain me physically. The cops in Hamilton county have shot and killed several un-armed bipolar/schizophrenic men in recent years; it's not just speculation on my part, it's real. I'm seriously afraid for my little brother with his current hostility, while it may not be the cops he enrages, the police are not the only angry people packing heat in this town, there's a lot of thinly veiled-rage in Cincinnati...
As I'll talk about in a separate entry to follow shortly, I did see Avatar with mom and Aaron today. Not much else is going on presently, though this week my mother will be off work and she, Aaron, and myself will be 'doing things'. ^^; Such activities on the roster include the Egyptian exhibit at the local museum, The Underground Railroad museum, and possibly skiing at Perfect North Slopes in Indiana. I've never skied before, I'm probably going to end up breaking a limb and be in a cast for Ohayocon, just watch. XD In all seriousness though, I'm actually pretty coordinated, I've only ice skated twice and didn't fall or stumble either time, so I'm sure I'll do just fine. With my brother however...this has potential disaster written all over it.
The poor kid is clumsy as hell. I never could teach him to roller-blade when we were little, and during scene shop training in his technical theater program at CCM last year, the professors and stage managers deemed him 'too much of a liability to hold a hammer', let alone power tools. Yikes! I know mom just wants us to do fun things together, but to Aaron, it's just another reminder of how awkward and un-agile he is, and he gets incredibly angry and frustrated with this sort of thing. When we were kids, it was so rough for him, because I was actually good at sports. I played on the school basketball team, was in my cousin's softball league, ran track, and was usually a celebrated player/member in critical positions on winning teams while participating. My brother, however, always ran the wrong direction in his pee-wee soccer league, lost his balance and fell constantly when kicking in karate, and never had a hit on his baseball team. Mom was always encouraging with him, but my dad was insulting and derisive. I, regrettably, was also a colossal jerk about my brother's lackluster performance. I was reminded of this by a home video dad played the other day while helping him to convert all the old VHS family tapes to DVD before they completely degrade. On this particular tape were some of Aaron's soccer games when he was six, and I twelve. You can hear my father and I joking and laughing off-camera the whole time at Aaron's constant charging towards the wrong goal. My god, I was such an ASS!
These days, my brother and I get along well. I was incredibly horrible to him as a child though. What happened was, despite my mother's dream of having a little girl to dress up and be her pint-sized shadow, I was the independent, outgoing, and moderately athletically gifted kid who became my dad's 'little buddy'. Aaron, however, was the sensitive, sweet introverted mamma's boy she doted on once her attempts to feminize me failed, and I tormented him relentlessly for it. The mind games I inflicted on him were really quite sick, and it's where a lot of his current anger originates from, I'm certain of it. He got bullied at school, we both did, but my poor brother had to endure it at home too.
I've apologized to him for all I did since we've been adults, but it's still something I have a lot of guilt over because he's still suffering the aftermath to this day. His anger and misanthropy totally trumps mine at age 19, and I was a bitter, spiteful bitch with very few friends. He's impressively socially retarded, and it's been said by many of mom and dad's friends and contacts that his gaze is that of a serial killer/psychopath, he has the 'crazy eye'. He's also brilliant, my brother's probably smarter than I, who always scored 98-99th percentile on all school standardized tests and was in advanced placement/gifted programs and classes from first grade on. My brother's results were always less consistent, but he struggles with severe A.D.D. unfortunately, so I know they were never an accurate representation of his aptitude or capabilities.
So the skiing thing has the potential to both lower his self-esteem further, and bring back some unpleasant memories. I'm actually extraordinarily helpful and patient with him now, but still, I'm no ski instructor, and when he's stressed he shuts down to help anyways. I've always wanted to go skiing, but I am concerned about how it will affect Aaron. My poor brother is already severely depressed at his expulsion from the tech theater program at CCM, he sees it as a failure (despite the reason for his removal from the program not being for poor work or grades, but 'not possessing the enthusiasm and drive' the program directors like to see in those working in musical theater). He's currently an undeclared major and many of his credits from last year won't transfer since they were theater major specific, and he's totally demotivated and discouraged. I don't think he needs any other potential let-downs right now. I think I'm going to advocate for an alternative activity when I talk to mom tomorrow, something less physical. ^^;
As for the long term, I can only hope that my brother will eventually let a lot of his anger go, or despite his disdain for my father, he'll end up just like him. It's actually a bit scary for me hearing and seeing the similarities between them recently. I also have fallen prey to my father's angry, self-defeating brand of martyr-dom in the past, and it doesn't end well. You invite bad shit upon yourself by harboring such attitudes, I know that better than anyone. 4 years ago, I got the shit beaten out of me by the Cincinnati police after being brought in on no charges (I had agreed to be voluntarily taken to the hospital after a loud, mostly non-violent manic altercation with my mother, but they took me to the county jail's psych ward instead, against all sorts of regulation and protocol) and was later prosecuted for my subsequent act of self-defense when they jumped me for refusing to undress in front of the officers(what HIPPA laws?)
In the aftermath, I spent 10 days in jail and 2 months in a behavioral correction facility, followed by a year of probation for assault. Did I break the law? I did not, but I knew how the system worked, I knew that sort of corruption was common place and that the cops in this town have it in for anyone with suspected mental illness, and I let my anger put myself in a position where I'd likely encounter it. A part of me even wanted them to, I wanted vindication of my hatred of 'the system', and I got it. I stood firm in my defiance, I got tortured by the jail guards for my refute of their claims to be better than I was, and I fancied myself some great rebellious revolutionary. What a goddamn joke. Had I actually maintained that conviction post-release long enough to press charges against the authorities for the abuse, I might have enacted some change that would save others from police tyranny. Alas though, it ended up being just a wake up call for myself, and one I wish my brother could learn from my experience, I don't want him to learn the way I did.
Luckily, I'm still alive and only had minor injuries from the run-in, had I been male and the cops perceived me as more of a threat, they'd have likely shot me instead of attempting to restrain me physically. The cops in Hamilton county have shot and killed several un-armed bipolar/schizophrenic men in recent years; it's not just speculation on my part, it's real. I'm seriously afraid for my little brother with his current hostility, while it may not be the cops he enrages, the police are not the only angry people packing heat in this town, there's a lot of thinly veiled-rage in Cincinnati...