(no subject)
I can remember where I was a year ago from today. A year ago today I was outside w/ the Crossmen in San Antonio, during the last few days of Spring Training. My birthday was full of text messages and voicemails from people back home, and I think I got a care package the day before or after that had a bunch of goodies. I was in the hot sun all day long, but enjoying myself, thinking about nothing but the task at hand. I got some special dessert from the crew on the food truck, and of course the many "happy birthdays" from the other members of the corps. Fast forward a year from then, and here I am now at 21. I'm finishing up the first summer session, going on my senior year in college, and planning to graduate in a year and a half. I am very fortunate to have spent this birthday with my family back at home. It is always a wonderful escape from the pressures and responsibilities of college life.
My, has the time flew by. There has been so much change within myself and of my perspective of life, it's quite unbelievable. For the most part, I am glad of the person who I have become, who I am turning out to be. I think that I can still work on not being so pessimistic, but even then, it doesn't mean much to me. I think that despite this, I still hold a very high regard for my upbringing and beliefs. And I thank God for blessing me with such a loving and attentive family to have helped mold and shape me into the adult that they hoped for me to become. Upon receiving a simple birthday card from my parents, I could not help but feel such an immense rush of emotions that shook me from the bottom of my soul. I am unconditionally loved, and it's an indescribable feeling that is such a wonderful blessing from Him. I don't speak much about my religion, but I've never felt so closer to God, my family, and myself at any other point in my life. And I don't want this to decease; I yearn for more.
There is still something missing within me. I know that I am never alone, but yet there is still an emptiness that presides. Of course I know what it is. It's how to attain it is the difficult aspect of it. At the moment, it is undeniably unobtainable. An unfortunate predicament for myself, but there is no stopping me from gaining it someday. I've never faltered on what I set out to achieve, and this is no exception. Perhaps I should be more open to others, to let people in, to express myself better for a better understanding of myself and a different perspective. But alas, that is not me. No one knows me. There are only a handful of people who really know me, and I can name each one. There are many reasons why I do not depend on others, and take upon myself the responsibility of tasks and issues. And again, there are only a handful of people whom I know that I can always depend on. For them I am always eternally grateful. It isn't in any sense demeaning my friendships with others. I have simply found myself in a comfortable position of isolation from the majority of society. Ha, thankfully I know how to communicate, otherwise I would be screwed.
Too much time doing nothing always ignites a deep conjuring of thoughts. Too much time to myself always results in pensiveness. But the only question I can ask myself right now is one of the most basic questions to ask. And it can be said to anyone.
When?
…yeah.
When...
I am on the brink of a revelation. Something is inevitably going to change. For the better.