"...when hopes and dreams are far away..."
wow. stress. stress. stress.
i realize now that i worry about making everyone around me happy. why i started doing this, i'm not sure. i just know somewhere down the line that was my walk through life, i started to constantly worry if someone was happy with me. to the point of annoying the heck out of people to make sure that they are okay. I'm done constantly worrying about if everyone is happy with who I am. I should be the only one that matters when it comes to that, but yet it's so easy to think, "well i wonder what soandso thinks...". That will change. Starting tommorow, caring that much is going to be thrown out. Done.
friendship. why does that word mean so much to me. i mean, i know i'm not perfect. i know i screw up. i know i screw relationships up. whether it be my quick temper, my consistent need to make sure i'm okay with someone, or just my overbearing-ness, I think I am successfully pushing people away. This was not my intention.
If I had my way, I would pull everyone right now. Who I feel I have hurt, pissed off, annoyed, whatever, and talk. I would apologize for how I've been. Because I haven't been nice, I haven't been kind, I haven't been friendly, I haven't been DANIEL. At all. I hate who I've become. I've changed so much this semester, in some ways for the better, but for the most part, the negative way. i hate this. I want to change. I want to fix everything. I want to make everything okay again. But I fear I'm too far gone. I've pushed everyone a little too much. To the point of no return. and now that i know what i had. now that i know the amazing people i've lost this week, it kills me.
absolutely kills me.
i just wish i could sit everyone down. one on one. and fix this. i hate not knowing how things are going to work out. or if it even has the possibility. i sit here, fighting tears back. knowing that this will never reach the eyes or ears of the people i need to talk to. but, just putting it down makes it all so much easier. i'm scared. i'm afraid. i'm insecure. i'm sad. i'm depressed. i'm everything.
where do i go from here. i'm not sure. i just know i miss what i had. and i dont think there's any way to acquire them again. and it rips me apart.
~daniel
i realize now that i worry about making everyone around me happy. why i started doing this, i'm not sure. i just know somewhere down the line that was my walk through life, i started to constantly worry if someone was happy with me. to the point of annoying the heck out of people to make sure that they are okay. I'm done constantly worrying about if everyone is happy with who I am. I should be the only one that matters when it comes to that, but yet it's so easy to think, "well i wonder what soandso thinks...". That will change. Starting tommorow, caring that much is going to be thrown out. Done.
friendship. why does that word mean so much to me. i mean, i know i'm not perfect. i know i screw up. i know i screw relationships up. whether it be my quick temper, my consistent need to make sure i'm okay with someone, or just my overbearing-ness, I think I am successfully pushing people away. This was not my intention.
If I had my way, I would pull everyone right now. Who I feel I have hurt, pissed off, annoyed, whatever, and talk. I would apologize for how I've been. Because I haven't been nice, I haven't been kind, I haven't been friendly, I haven't been DANIEL. At all. I hate who I've become. I've changed so much this semester, in some ways for the better, but for the most part, the negative way. i hate this. I want to change. I want to fix everything. I want to make everything okay again. But I fear I'm too far gone. I've pushed everyone a little too much. To the point of no return. and now that i know what i had. now that i know the amazing people i've lost this week, it kills me.
absolutely kills me.
i just wish i could sit everyone down. one on one. and fix this. i hate not knowing how things are going to work out. or if it even has the possibility. i sit here, fighting tears back. knowing that this will never reach the eyes or ears of the people i need to talk to. but, just putting it down makes it all so much easier. i'm scared. i'm afraid. i'm insecure. i'm sad. i'm depressed. i'm everything.
where do i go from here. i'm not sure. i just know i miss what i had. and i dont think there's any way to acquire them again. and it rips me apart.
~daniel