(W)Tired
This morning was.. special. I woke up at 6:30, checked up on Karin and went back to bed. Couldn't sleep. Cried for 5 minutes straight. Lotsa pain. Out of the blue. Got up and chatted with Karin though I wanted her to go to do her hw and go to sleep. I'm throwing off her sleeping schedule. Not good. It's her choice but I am not doing anything to help. She referred me to Robin's webpage. I read this page http://www.voicesofbipolardisorder.com/AboutMe.html and for the first time I felt like maybe talking to someone could help me deal with my problem. It still doesn't mean I'll be going to therapy anytime soon, but it did give me hope and... who knows. I would definitely call it a breakthrough. A hole punched in my wall of stubbornness and disbelief.
Had a pretty good day at work. Was a bit busy and Karin kept me company as usual. Ate sushi. Visited mom after work. I am so stuck in the middle of the shit between my mom and my dad and today it really got to me. I was pissed when I got back home. If that's not enough, today around 4pm I started feeling wired again. Impatient. Can't lay back. Not really. I can fake it. But inside... thoughts and impulses are racing. Ridiculous efficiency and charm as well. By the time I got home I was really worried. Thought of who I should call, what I can do to relax. I think I will take a nap. It's probably a mixture of not enough sleep, nervousness regarding upcoming events (Band, visitations, shit with my mom and my dad, am i missing anything?) and of course emerging from the cloud of the breakup. I must curb my ascent or I will crash and burn and everyone around me will suffer. I will not let that happen. I am smarter. I am aware and I will not ignore the signs.
I had to let it out. I am calmer now. Cig and then bed. I will have to watch myself now. Apparently I've been depressed for a long time, so this is actually good. I am doing well. I just have to make sure I don't do too well!
-s
Had a pretty good day at work. Was a bit busy and Karin kept me company as usual. Ate sushi. Visited mom after work. I am so stuck in the middle of the shit between my mom and my dad and today it really got to me. I was pissed when I got back home. If that's not enough, today around 4pm I started feeling wired again. Impatient. Can't lay back. Not really. I can fake it. But inside... thoughts and impulses are racing. Ridiculous efficiency and charm as well. By the time I got home I was really worried. Thought of who I should call, what I can do to relax. I think I will take a nap. It's probably a mixture of not enough sleep, nervousness regarding upcoming events (Band, visitations, shit with my mom and my dad, am i missing anything?) and of course emerging from the cloud of the breakup. I must curb my ascent or I will crash and burn and everyone around me will suffer. I will not let that happen. I am smarter. I am aware and I will not ignore the signs.
I had to let it out. I am calmer now. Cig and then bed. I will have to watch myself now. Apparently I've been depressed for a long time, so this is actually good. I am doing well. I just have to make sure I don't do too well!
-s