Loss
These last few nights have been tough. By night I mean right before I go to bed. When all those random thoughts just seem to mesh together. I've been having visions of memories long forgotten. All kinds of stuff. Back from the time I was living with my mom and alon and danielle were staying in my room. Closeness. Company. Overwhelming. It's been about a month since the breakup and only now I'm starting to connect with the fact that I've lost something profound... someone dear. I am hopeful regarding the future. I'm definitely not devastated. It just hurts.. in short intense bursts. It's the space... I am detaching from rationalization (it's for the best.. for both of us.. she is unstable.. we made mistakes..) and starting to really miss her, finally. It's good.. I have to regain the sense of how important this person will always be to me and cherish the years we spent living together. We loved truly. It was beautiful and it must remain that way.
Thank god for Karin though.. she has been there for me every day. Keeps my heart alive. I realize that I am still opening up to her and there's so much emotion there which will probably be unlocked when we spend some time together. I hope I don't overwhelm her or myself. Things are feeling comfortable now. Stable.
I miss the days when I used to make stupid recordings and play impossible songs. I have to.. I dunno.. change something and make myself want to pick up the guitar. SOMETHING DAMN IT. maybe redecorate? I dunno.. I need to take guitar lessons at least once every two weeks! though I can't really afford it.. but.. I have to.. and I should start looking for students too. I have the fucking ads already printed out. And I have my fucking business cards. Gah I'm so fixated on being counter productive. What a bum. Ok shay.. relax.. you've had a rough year.. but you spent some money on gear.. yeah.. ok.. must start practicing soon.. yes..
Must.. form.. plan.. for.. project.. with meir... urgent... ahhhh..
FORCE YOURSELF TO CREATE STUPID PROJECTS ON CUBASE. MAKE STUPID PLAYBACKS FOR IMPROVISATION. DO SOMETHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
Ok. Enough.
-s
Thank god for Karin though.. she has been there for me every day. Keeps my heart alive. I realize that I am still opening up to her and there's so much emotion there which will probably be unlocked when we spend some time together. I hope I don't overwhelm her or myself. Things are feeling comfortable now. Stable.
I miss the days when I used to make stupid recordings and play impossible songs. I have to.. I dunno.. change something and make myself want to pick up the guitar. SOMETHING DAMN IT. maybe redecorate? I dunno.. I need to take guitar lessons at least once every two weeks! though I can't really afford it.. but.. I have to.. and I should start looking for students too. I have the fucking ads already printed out. And I have my fucking business cards. Gah I'm so fixated on being counter productive. What a bum. Ok shay.. relax.. you've had a rough year.. but you spent some money on gear.. yeah.. ok.. must start practicing soon.. yes..
Must.. form.. plan.. for.. project.. with meir... urgent... ahhhh..
FORCE YOURSELF TO CREATE STUPID PROJECTS ON CUBASE. MAKE STUPID PLAYBACKS FOR IMPROVISATION. DO SOMETHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
Ok. Enough.
-s