Feeling on a knife's edge.
I'm sorry this is gonna be an essay. I need to pour me heart out somewhere, and here's as good as anywhere.
I fell in love with a great guy at 18, at first sight no less, a blonde, slightly confused, head ducking under the work canteen door, trying not to be noticed, when all the world would notice because of his height ^^ *remembering makes me smile*
But having been consistantly burned, (long awkward story) and so very unsure of myself, i did nothing.
i went to uni, i got my first boyfriend, he cheated on me, i got dumped, and i came home a shell, and went back to work...
and there he was again, and somehow, his cheerful pretty face made me hope for something more than i though i could get, a guy as pretty as him would never like a girl like me.
But he did.
and though we'd never said a word to each other, ever, we were set up on a date, and inexplicably, we never let each other go.
He went to uni when i started my third year, and when i started my fourth year, there was no doubt in my mind i wanted to follow him and go wherever he wanted.
I came to live with him three years ago, i just got a 2:1 masters in chemistry. But i hadn't taken chemistry because i wanted a career in it, oh no... i chose it because i thought i should choose something clever T_T...
I'm a freaking fool!
i took a year out and got a crapy job in retail while matt finished his second year. I decided that year my escape from lab work was teaching, and that didn't seem a bad idea. So i took a course to train as a teacher. I would finish the same year as Matt finished his degree... All was good... so i thought.
Matt finished his animation degree June last year and went straight into freelancing. He did well, though the work isn't consistant.
I just finished my teaching course and should have gone into a teaching job.
but i didn't. I instead chickened out and got a minimum wage job in a crap hardware shop, i excused myself by saying i felt i'd tie us down if i got a proper job, and Matt might have to move us somewhere.
But really, i was probably just scared. The teaching course made me realise how rediclously unprepared and silly i am, i had to live on my teeth to get through it. I passed it well, but i felt scarred and and battered... I'm outgoing, but i'm not a completely natural shows-woman.
charisma is somewhat lacking... I'm not what i'd like to have teaching me, so i feel like i failed. I don't want to be a part of that anymore. I might take up tutoring, but for now, i've ruled out teaching. I lose my soul to it. It just upsets me.
i can't say i've been unhappy, i've been pretty content, i get lots of free time, (My biggest passion is drawing, and i can't feel myself if i don't have time to do it, like a part of my soul is missing...) though the money coming in is rubbish. But my underlying feeling is faliure. I failed my parents, i failed my teachers, Matt... (though oddly i just feel hollow when i think if i failed myself)
i feel embarassed, and stupid. But i couldn't bring myself to do anything about it.
When Matt proposed to me, I decided we had to get out of here, the town we live in is awful, it's a dirty and deprived place, with loads of crime and undesirable people. He'd come here to go to uni, and i'd followed him instinctively, never questioning it.
But i hate the place, sometimes it just brings me to tears. Somehow though, i know he likes it, he has lots of friends here. I don't, so i feel a bit lost.
Despite all that, he swore he'd get me out of here, and tried to get jobs that i know he wouldn't like, in nicer places, and it's been tearing me apart. He didn't get any of them, i'm guessing because truely, he wants to be a character animator, and make cartoons, and that's a dream... I don't have a dream, ( well i do, but it's not a practical one, nor am i good enough at it to make a living out of it.)
I don't want him to settle for anything less than what he set out to do, But he wants me to be happy. Why can't he see i'm only happy when he is? And why can't i bring myself to do the jobs i trained in so that he doesn't need to work for a crappy games company?
'Are you going to live your life wondering
standing in the back, looking around?
are you going to waste your time thinking
how you've grown up
or how you missed out?
things are never going be the way you want
when's it going to get you acting serious?
things are never going to be quite what you want
even at twenty five you got to start sometime.' - A praise chorus - Jimmy eat world
I just listened to that, and it prompted me to writ all this.. i feel rather like that now... Have i been setting myself aside for something i hope he'll acheive? will i regret that later?
i'm 25 in three weeks, and i get married in 8 months.
You know, i know that with all my qualifications, i must be good at SOMETHING. But i have no clue what, i was so used to feeling clever and good at stuff, it got so disconcerting to feel inadequate and rubbish... now i'm so scared to make a move to get something else. I've moaned about all this before... Countless times, but it remains.
Today, my good friend Trina told me she'd asked at her work place (Her rather more charismatic and pro-active boyfriend got a job at a games comany in a very nice place) what someone with my skills would get.
I'd start on 19k (30-34k dollars?), and that'd go up very fast, i'd start off as a trainee executive.. *executive?! me?!*
i currently earn minimum wage, so i'm on 7k a year.
I now feel torn. I didn't think i could get jobs like that!
I know if i go for jobs like that, there, i'd finally feel validated. But would i be happy? and what about Matt? :( i feel like suddenly i'm tearing him away from his dreams.. and that's the last thing i want. Because i know, if i ask him, he'll follow me there.
but it's closer to home there, i worry so much about my parents... and people won't pee in the street outside my windows!!
i know it's a round-a-bout way of saying all that, and there's still lots of other things worrying me i left out, but that's the crux of it.
I don't want to burden my fiance, but i want to feel better about myself finally, and i hope one day i'll find a job that'll have a good work life balance and earn me enough money so i don't have to lie to my mother about what i do.
i'm nearly 25. I should be more mature. I can't run forever can i? :(
*sigh*
if you've managed to read his far, i commend you. *gives you a cookie*
i'm not asking for sympathy, because i know it's all my fault. I just had to say it.
I fell in love with a great guy at 18, at first sight no less, a blonde, slightly confused, head ducking under the work canteen door, trying not to be noticed, when all the world would notice because of his height ^^ *remembering makes me smile*
But having been consistantly burned, (long awkward story) and so very unsure of myself, i did nothing.
i went to uni, i got my first boyfriend, he cheated on me, i got dumped, and i came home a shell, and went back to work...
and there he was again, and somehow, his cheerful pretty face made me hope for something more than i though i could get, a guy as pretty as him would never like a girl like me.
But he did.
and though we'd never said a word to each other, ever, we were set up on a date, and inexplicably, we never let each other go.
He went to uni when i started my third year, and when i started my fourth year, there was no doubt in my mind i wanted to follow him and go wherever he wanted.
I came to live with him three years ago, i just got a 2:1 masters in chemistry. But i hadn't taken chemistry because i wanted a career in it, oh no... i chose it because i thought i should choose something clever T_T...
I'm a freaking fool!
i took a year out and got a crapy job in retail while matt finished his second year. I decided that year my escape from lab work was teaching, and that didn't seem a bad idea. So i took a course to train as a teacher. I would finish the same year as Matt finished his degree... All was good... so i thought.
Matt finished his animation degree June last year and went straight into freelancing. He did well, though the work isn't consistant.
I just finished my teaching course and should have gone into a teaching job.
but i didn't. I instead chickened out and got a minimum wage job in a crap hardware shop, i excused myself by saying i felt i'd tie us down if i got a proper job, and Matt might have to move us somewhere.
But really, i was probably just scared. The teaching course made me realise how rediclously unprepared and silly i am, i had to live on my teeth to get through it. I passed it well, but i felt scarred and and battered... I'm outgoing, but i'm not a completely natural shows-woman.
charisma is somewhat lacking... I'm not what i'd like to have teaching me, so i feel like i failed. I don't want to be a part of that anymore. I might take up tutoring, but for now, i've ruled out teaching. I lose my soul to it. It just upsets me.
i can't say i've been unhappy, i've been pretty content, i get lots of free time, (My biggest passion is drawing, and i can't feel myself if i don't have time to do it, like a part of my soul is missing...) though the money coming in is rubbish. But my underlying feeling is faliure. I failed my parents, i failed my teachers, Matt... (though oddly i just feel hollow when i think if i failed myself)
i feel embarassed, and stupid. But i couldn't bring myself to do anything about it.
When Matt proposed to me, I decided we had to get out of here, the town we live in is awful, it's a dirty and deprived place, with loads of crime and undesirable people. He'd come here to go to uni, and i'd followed him instinctively, never questioning it.
But i hate the place, sometimes it just brings me to tears. Somehow though, i know he likes it, he has lots of friends here. I don't, so i feel a bit lost.
Despite all that, he swore he'd get me out of here, and tried to get jobs that i know he wouldn't like, in nicer places, and it's been tearing me apart. He didn't get any of them, i'm guessing because truely, he wants to be a character animator, and make cartoons, and that's a dream... I don't have a dream, ( well i do, but it's not a practical one, nor am i good enough at it to make a living out of it.)
I don't want him to settle for anything less than what he set out to do, But he wants me to be happy. Why can't he see i'm only happy when he is? And why can't i bring myself to do the jobs i trained in so that he doesn't need to work for a crappy games company?
'Are you going to live your life wondering
standing in the back, looking around?
are you going to waste your time thinking
how you've grown up
or how you missed out?
things are never going be the way you want
when's it going to get you acting serious?
things are never going to be quite what you want
even at twenty five you got to start sometime.' - A praise chorus - Jimmy eat world
I just listened to that, and it prompted me to writ all this.. i feel rather like that now... Have i been setting myself aside for something i hope he'll acheive? will i regret that later?
i'm 25 in three weeks, and i get married in 8 months.
You know, i know that with all my qualifications, i must be good at SOMETHING. But i have no clue what, i was so used to feeling clever and good at stuff, it got so disconcerting to feel inadequate and rubbish... now i'm so scared to make a move to get something else. I've moaned about all this before... Countless times, but it remains.
Today, my good friend Trina told me she'd asked at her work place (Her rather more charismatic and pro-active boyfriend got a job at a games comany in a very nice place) what someone with my skills would get.
I'd start on 19k (30-34k dollars?), and that'd go up very fast, i'd start off as a trainee executive.. *executive?! me?!*
i currently earn minimum wage, so i'm on 7k a year.
I now feel torn. I didn't think i could get jobs like that!
I know if i go for jobs like that, there, i'd finally feel validated. But would i be happy? and what about Matt? :( i feel like suddenly i'm tearing him away from his dreams.. and that's the last thing i want. Because i know, if i ask him, he'll follow me there.
but it's closer to home there, i worry so much about my parents... and people won't pee in the street outside my windows!!
i know it's a round-a-bout way of saying all that, and there's still lots of other things worrying me i left out, but that's the crux of it.
I don't want to burden my fiance, but i want to feel better about myself finally, and i hope one day i'll find a job that'll have a good work life balance and earn me enough money so i don't have to lie to my mother about what i do.
i'm nearly 25. I should be more mature. I can't run forever can i? :(
*sigh*
if you've managed to read his far, i commend you. *gives you a cookie*
i'm not asking for sympathy, because i know it's all my fault. I just had to say it.