A Treatise on Love and War

[bagheera]

Yesterday, I chatted with a friend I haven't talked to in a long time. We asked each other how we have been, and gave each other updates on life in general. I mentioned that I've moved in with Balaa, and the question I immediately received from my friend was "Is marriage down the road?" and when I said no, the follow up question was "Are you guys

Comments

[shinigamigirl]

Very well worded, and I agree with you on principle. But unfortunately I have seen many relationships in which the partners allow each other to go off and have sex with other people fall apart. Usually it stays amicable, sometimes not, but unfortunately in the vast majority of such relationships I have known of, one of the partners ends up leaving for one of their "on the side" sexual partners once the luster of new love wears off. I am in no way trying to imply that this will happen to you guys, just pointing out that having too much freedom can be a bad thing too because people's emotions change, and especially because of the third parties involved and their emotions. I think this kind of rift often appears not necessarily because of the initial couple of people, but because of the others involved and of their feelings.
It's not that I believe that making a commitment means that the two people HAVE to only have sex with each other for the rest of their lives, but I think that something with a few "rules" in the general sense is the lesser of two evils in the long run. I think there are ways to be intimate with people other than one's SO without it involving the partners doing basically whoever they want.
I've been in a more or less "open relationship before", so this is not strictly speaking from the other side of the fence, and I am still left preferring monogamy. This of course implies that one has to be in a highly sexually compatible couple, otherwise it all goes to shit too, which also happened to me before. XD Hey, to each their own, but I don't think that implying that monogamy is somehow less right is fair. ;)

[bagheera]

I think what you are describing is precisely what I define as "Open Relationship" xD and it is not something I personally like, but hey I won't judge. :)

I think most people are very impulsive, emotionally-driven creatures. They do things and feel the need to do things without asking themselves "why". I think that is the reason most relationships fail (most monogamous couples marry way too early) - whether or not third parties are involved.

[shinigamigirl]

Which part? XD As I see it an open relationship is a one in which each member of the couple can have intimate relations with other people as long as they let their partner know (usually beforehand), which is something I don't like either for a myriad of reasons. Sex is not like going shopping, I can't see myself being so casual about it. XD

I find it odd that you seem to be implying (correct me if I'm wrong) that there's only need for a serious commitment after marriage. I could care less about marriage (except for as you said, it being a promise of love), and I don't think getting married really changes anything. So I also don't see how marriage contributes to the failing of a relationship (unless of course the two people get married before they even know each other; but then it's still not the fault of the act of marriage but rather the two people not being compatible to begin with). The way I see it, it is never marriage that "prevents" people from going to seek sex with others, but an explicit commitment they make to each other to not do so.

I agree with you that most relationships fail without the need of third parties being involved, but that was not what I meant. I meant that IF third parties are involved, most of those relationships fail (Perhaps a grass is greener on the other side phenomenon?) We are indeed very impulsive creatures, but have you thought that this same rhetoric could be applied to polygamy as well? As in, people feeling the need to seek out sex elsewhere without asking themselves why and what are the consequences. Well.. OK, maybe the why question can be easily answered, heh. Everyone's a pervert, it's up to each individual to weigh the worth and potential repercussions of their actions. :P

Off the top of my head I can think of two couples I know who are polygamous. They have been together for 10 and 15 years. In both of each, one of the partners started to sleep with a person that ended up wanting more than just sex. One of the couples (the ones who had been together for 15 years!) split up because the person chose to go with their sexual partner, which left their other half utterly destroyed. The second couple still struggles but the involved partner had the good sense to break off the tie with their demanding lover. That kind of thing just makes me so so sad.

[bagheera]

I am not implying that there's only need for a serious commitment after marriage... where did you get that from? O_o That's like the opposite of what I am trying to say. xD

And I was referring to the part where you said you've seen too many cases of people allowing their partner to go off and have sex with other people - that is how I usually define as an "open relationship", and while it may seem similar to what I share with my mate, the mentality behind it isn't the same.

And yes of course I thought the same rhetoric can be applied to polygamy. :) That's the whole point of my post - it takes a high level of maturity and rationality to control base instincts like jealousy and aggression. Polygamy isn't a viable solution for most people; but I also disagree with the idea that society should pass judgment on what a "proper" relationship should be.

People need to define what "love" means on their own.