I'm Not Snow White, But I'm Lost Inside the Forest
So many things have happened since I have written in this journal
Many late nights spent with my lovely Jessy
Lovely gifts of self-confidence inducing necklaces from Jenny
Photoshoots with worms and diamonds for my commercial portfolio
And many other things that I just haven't remembered or had time to sit down and write out
But the thing that propelled me to write in here?
It's kind of depressing, so just be prepared I guess
I always feel the need to brace someone so that they know that things might get heavy
Like dressing for the weather, you don't want to be caught in a rain storm without an umbrella, or a snow storm without layers
So
I have had a few breakdowns based on my future as of late, and I feel myself getting better with each photo that I take
Technically, confidence-wise, and even conceptually (even if I can't really talk so well about my work yet)
But in those moments of despair I have had only one thought
One wish
And it's morbid
That wish is that I would like nothing more than to give all of this up and simply be away from it all
Locked in a mental institution and able to live out every eccentric thing that I wish to do
Like climb on roofs during lighting storms
Or sit in bed staring at my wall thinking for almost half an hour
I don't know, I guess my mind has romanticized this kind of escapism for something better than this success that could happen for me
But, something my father told me shook me a little
Apparently my mother had a chemical imbalance in her brain
She would have panic attacks like I do, but she would also have fits of emotional upheaval where she would curl up and sob
Or she would become angry for no reason and it would pass sooner or later, but my dad could never say the right thing, she would argue
And the doctor's had no idea what they were dealing with
But apparently she got some medicine that would calm her feelings and nerves for the most part
Though every now and then she would feel she didn't need it, get off of it, and then lapse back into that weird version of herself
This coupled with my health problems scares me
But like I said, there is a morbid fascination with the idea that I am legitimately messed up in the head - which is worrying
And all of this a top a random assignment for school has led me to writing this all out right now
So, our assignment is to pick two artists and put them and their work in a gallery with our work, then present it and explain our choices
Well, there was a girl's work that I absolutely fell in love with: Veronica Boehm
Her image above is one of my favorites and was taken from the website at SVA, which is one of the most prestigious schools ever
And upon looking for more of her work to put in the assignment I found out that she was very successful
However, here is her full bio:
Veronica Boehm was an aspiring artist and photographer, who moved to New York City to pursue her dreams at the age of 21. After studying at the School of Visual Arts, she worked in various facets of the industry, including as a fashion assistant and photo editor at City Magazine. Tragically, in April of 2011, the 26 year old Boehm took her own life in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Friends and colleagues were shocked by her passing, describing her as an exceptionally warm and upbeat young woman.
...I guess the reason that this shocks me is because she was everything that I wished I could be
Going to a top school
Being a great photographer
Getting into the fashion business
Working for a magazine!
And then she kills herself...possibly from the pressure?
I was floored, all of my morbid curiosity was staring me in the face saying "is this what you want? really?"
Because all that I can think is how if you just changed the name to Megan Snider that this bio could...
I am on the verge of tears and something has snapped inside me
It's like I have been going through a long passageway full of doors dark and secretive and I am eager to open each forbidden one to the next
But now I am at the end and I don't like what I am seeing
I am backing away slowly through all the open doorframes
I want to wake up
I don't romanticize this darkness anymore and I have swam too far in the deep end and am gasping for air like I did when I was six once
Luckily then someone came and big hands of my dad's friend grabbed my small frame from the pool and I was safe
But this...this is so different
I don't know if hands will grab me because I have already lost my footing it's just a matter of saving myself
...I just don't know what to say really
I just needed the sound of the keys being typed out and my mind being lain in front of me in black and white text
Just to sort myself out I suppose
I don't mean to scare any of you, you are all wonderful
And I think I will be better tomorrow
Let us hope, right?
Many late nights spent with my lovely Jessy
Lovely gifts of self-confidence inducing necklaces from Jenny
Photoshoots with worms and diamonds for my commercial portfolio
And many other things that I just haven't remembered or had time to sit down and write out
But the thing that propelled me to write in here?
It's kind of depressing, so just be prepared I guess
I always feel the need to brace someone so that they know that things might get heavy
Like dressing for the weather, you don't want to be caught in a rain storm without an umbrella, or a snow storm without layers
So
I have had a few breakdowns based on my future as of late, and I feel myself getting better with each photo that I take
Technically, confidence-wise, and even conceptually (even if I can't really talk so well about my work yet)
But in those moments of despair I have had only one thought
One wish
And it's morbid
That wish is that I would like nothing more than to give all of this up and simply be away from it all
Locked in a mental institution and able to live out every eccentric thing that I wish to do
Like climb on roofs during lighting storms
Or sit in bed staring at my wall thinking for almost half an hour
I don't know, I guess my mind has romanticized this kind of escapism for something better than this success that could happen for me
But, something my father told me shook me a little
Apparently my mother had a chemical imbalance in her brain
She would have panic attacks like I do, but she would also have fits of emotional upheaval where she would curl up and sob
Or she would become angry for no reason and it would pass sooner or later, but my dad could never say the right thing, she would argue
And the doctor's had no idea what they were dealing with
But apparently she got some medicine that would calm her feelings and nerves for the most part
Though every now and then she would feel she didn't need it, get off of it, and then lapse back into that weird version of herself
This coupled with my health problems scares me
But like I said, there is a morbid fascination with the idea that I am legitimately messed up in the head - which is worrying
And all of this a top a random assignment for school has led me to writing this all out right now
So, our assignment is to pick two artists and put them and their work in a gallery with our work, then present it and explain our choices
Well, there was a girl's work that I absolutely fell in love with: Veronica Boehm
Her image above is one of my favorites and was taken from the website at SVA, which is one of the most prestigious schools ever
And upon looking for more of her work to put in the assignment I found out that she was very successful
However, here is her full bio:
Veronica Boehm was an aspiring artist and photographer, who moved to New York City to pursue her dreams at the age of 21. After studying at the School of Visual Arts, she worked in various facets of the industry, including as a fashion assistant and photo editor at City Magazine. Tragically, in April of 2011, the 26 year old Boehm took her own life in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Friends and colleagues were shocked by her passing, describing her as an exceptionally warm and upbeat young woman.
...I guess the reason that this shocks me is because she was everything that I wished I could be
Going to a top school
Being a great photographer
Getting into the fashion business
Working for a magazine!
And then she kills herself...possibly from the pressure?
I was floored, all of my morbid curiosity was staring me in the face saying "is this what you want? really?"
Because all that I can think is how if you just changed the name to Megan Snider that this bio could...
I am on the verge of tears and something has snapped inside me
It's like I have been going through a long passageway full of doors dark and secretive and I am eager to open each forbidden one to the next
But now I am at the end and I don't like what I am seeing
I am backing away slowly through all the open doorframes
I want to wake up
I don't romanticize this darkness anymore and I have swam too far in the deep end and am gasping for air like I did when I was six once
Luckily then someone came and big hands of my dad's friend grabbed my small frame from the pool and I was safe
But this...this is so different
I don't know if hands will grab me because I have already lost my footing it's just a matter of saving myself
...I just don't know what to say really
I just needed the sound of the keys being typed out and my mind being lain in front of me in black and white text
Just to sort myself out I suppose
I don't mean to scare any of you, you are all wonderful
And I think I will be better tomorrow
Let us hope, right?