And then I woke up
Isn't it funny how you can be living your life and not see what is right in front of you. I would never have really thought I was a frightened person, but about a month ago I had an epiphany. I like my life, and everything (for a brief moment) was fine...no dramas, no health issues, no work worries...but I was living my life...small. I had somehow let a lot of things that don't matter stop me from doing the things that do matter.
It started with my weight. I had been doing poorly on Weight Watchers, unmotivated, uninspired and uncaring about my health. After my epiphany I realized I was simply afraid...a big (and in this case fat) coward. I didn't want to try too hard in case it didn't work. I didn't want to commit to exercise in case it was too hard....wah, wah, wah. Poor victim me...don't try and you can't fail. Well that was 17lbs ago.
Then I realized I was self-censoring. The boss would ask my opinion and I'd dance around what I really thought. I chose outfits my spouse would like even if I hated them. I even bought sensible shoes because my mother would approve. WTF!!! When had I turned into such a chicken. Needless to say I nipped that in the bud pretty damn quick.
Finally I realized that I wasn't doing things I loved because I didn't feel worthy of them. I hadn't written anything in months, I barely listened to music, and I couldn't remember the last time I danced! So I've slowly been dragging my butt back to doing the things I like, even if everyone else has sit and wait while I do them. And guess who is taking tap-dancing lessons again in September.
There is a fine line between a peaceful, happy, productive life and one of quiet desperation. A line I didn't realize I was hovering near. Not that everyday has to be a self-focused pleasure fest, but I've earned the right to my opinion, my health and my happiness. And since no-one else can MAKE me happy, I'd better be sure to do it myself!
It started with my weight. I had been doing poorly on Weight Watchers, unmotivated, uninspired and uncaring about my health. After my epiphany I realized I was simply afraid...a big (and in this case fat) coward. I didn't want to try too hard in case it didn't work. I didn't want to commit to exercise in case it was too hard....wah, wah, wah. Poor victim me...don't try and you can't fail. Well that was 17lbs ago.
Then I realized I was self-censoring. The boss would ask my opinion and I'd dance around what I really thought. I chose outfits my spouse would like even if I hated them. I even bought sensible shoes because my mother would approve. WTF!!! When had I turned into such a chicken. Needless to say I nipped that in the bud pretty damn quick.
Finally I realized that I wasn't doing things I loved because I didn't feel worthy of them. I hadn't written anything in months, I barely listened to music, and I couldn't remember the last time I danced! So I've slowly been dragging my butt back to doing the things I like, even if everyone else has sit and wait while I do them. And guess who is taking tap-dancing lessons again in September.
There is a fine line between a peaceful, happy, productive life and one of quiet desperation. A line I didn't realize I was hovering near. Not that everyday has to be a self-focused pleasure fest, but I've earned the right to my opinion, my health and my happiness. And since no-one else can MAKE me happy, I'd better be sure to do it myself!