(no subject)
I feel fucking sick.
Not the food poisening got to get some nyquil and sleep sick. And not nervous or happy or anticipatory or stressful sick. I feel more emotionally drained and fed up in so many aspects its hard to count right now sick.
Mmmm... chicken salad is good.
As of tonight I have made the conscious decision that sometimes it is better to let things go and be alone in some aspects. I mean, if a friend is so entriely busy that they have no time to call you back for two seconds.. then fine I can deal with that. If a friend is so extremely busy that they can't take ten minutes out of their day once a year to sign your yearbook, and instead promise to "write you a letter".. but never do.. I can live with that too. But when someone who has been a "best" friend for like your entire life shows up at a party where you were one of the prime reasons they went.. and then says hi to you for like 2 seconds and decides to go talk to people they havn't talked to in ages and probably never will after a few months... then I think something is definately wrong here. I am sick of feeling not good enough, for the sake of convincing myself that I have someone there for me... who has known me longer then the rest. I am sick of it, and maybe sometimes.. swallowing down that pill you maybe have seen coming but have always wanted to not accept its existance is the only way to go. Maybe things will change tomorrow, and I'll feel bad about ever thinking these things. But for now, I am so angry and frusterated and hurt and tired I can't even think about it anymore.
And I guess this goes for another person to. Someone whose friendship wasn't ever at the level of the previous person mentioned.. but it had to have been something. Someone who.. well I guess I wanted it to mean something. I guess sometimes people are so busy and occupied that there are just not enough hours in the day. But when you keep getting frusterated and upset over this fact, maybe its the person who seems to keep getting left behinds fault ya know. I guess you have to accept the way things are.. and you can either let whatever is happening just roll and pretend everythings ok.. or you can bitch about it on your stupid live journal. I don't care. But really.. I guess I do. I don't know. I don't know how I'm supposed to fix this.. or if college will jsut end everything.. or if some little wand from a Harry Potter charactar's hand can just wave things right... so I don't care anymore. So that everytime people are too "busy" for me.. I can turn around and be too "busy" back and give them the ultimate flip off. (Flip off.. ha ha funny word). But for now I do. And for now I'm pissed and upset and hurt and can't help it. Oh and sick.. can't forget sick.
I think being upset or not on good terms or whatever with even the bestest of friends is just tiring in itself sometimes. Even though you know that in 5 minutes (or hope.. because the sooner these things are forgiven and forgoten the better) everything will be ok again... its just stressful and blah. And so going through this whole cycle of emotions with someone even if it was just a short term wasn't the biggest dilema of my life.. which god.. none of this is.. but it just contributes. And no matter how short or petty or stupid it all is... it still sucks. It just sucks.
Food Break to collect the rest of my thoughts.
I AM DONE. I AM THROUGH. I AM DONE. THROUGH. DONE.
You know who you are.
I don't consider myself a very needy person. I don;t know.. maybe I am. I guess when I feel like I am the only one caring or putting ay reconizable effort into any part of a relationship of any kind.. it kinda pisses me off once in awhile.
At one point of the party tonight (the absolute low for me) I was standing outside.. ready to go.. and looking through my phone book relaizing everyone I would or could call at this point:
a) Was not my friend anymore.
b) Had shown to me there lack of caring in our friendship at that point of the night.
c) Was busy.
d) Would be asleep.
And... that sucked. Then I saw a taxi come up the driveway.. and I sighed and decided to approach it to ask who called so I could go get them and be a good person... and have soemthing to do. The driver told me a person named Christopher called.. and was then like "Nicole?"
I was like "ummm... ya?"
He ended up being a person in my class at SMC. And this stranger... who happened to remember my name.. showed me more care and genuine concern then a few people who were supposed to be my "real" friends did. He asked if I was alright... and was about to help me out getting home. And this really really touched me... and led me to some conclusions that I am typing right now.
I am not saying tonight was all bad. I am not saying that people don't care. I am not trying to insult or hurt and lash out against anyone. This is merely a random sequence of ramblings from an exhasuted mind after an exhausting evening.
See... I feel better already.
Hm.. to take comments or not to take comments. I really don't care anymore. Maybe I need to disaccosiate for awhile... or not have expectations from people and places.. or just mellow out a bit. Ya.. mellow. Chill....
Life's been good. Lots of work. Summer school. Chilling. Attempting to get through it. Which I will.
Let me get through tonight first though. The rest will work out eventually.
Sometimes I wish life were tv and I could mute it for awhile. Put the sleeper on mid-episode. Change the channel. Get back to it when I felt like it. If ever. Or maybe if my emotions could have a remote control. I'm sure it would have a "self destruct" button, which I would have hit by now. And combusting emotions arn't fun.
I think this entry has now lost all shape and meaning. If it ever had any, that is. Well now that I'm thinking about exploding emotions in my tv shaped head.. I will end it here. Let me do this the appropriate way at least...
Persons body with a tv set head.
Head explodes.
It is somewhat bloody.
FADE OUT:
Not the food poisening got to get some nyquil and sleep sick. And not nervous or happy or anticipatory or stressful sick. I feel more emotionally drained and fed up in so many aspects its hard to count right now sick.
Mmmm... chicken salad is good.
As of tonight I have made the conscious decision that sometimes it is better to let things go and be alone in some aspects. I mean, if a friend is so entriely busy that they have no time to call you back for two seconds.. then fine I can deal with that. If a friend is so extremely busy that they can't take ten minutes out of their day once a year to sign your yearbook, and instead promise to "write you a letter".. but never do.. I can live with that too. But when someone who has been a "best" friend for like your entire life shows up at a party where you were one of the prime reasons they went.. and then says hi to you for like 2 seconds and decides to go talk to people they havn't talked to in ages and probably never will after a few months... then I think something is definately wrong here. I am sick of feeling not good enough, for the sake of convincing myself that I have someone there for me... who has known me longer then the rest. I am sick of it, and maybe sometimes.. swallowing down that pill you maybe have seen coming but have always wanted to not accept its existance is the only way to go. Maybe things will change tomorrow, and I'll feel bad about ever thinking these things. But for now, I am so angry and frusterated and hurt and tired I can't even think about it anymore.
And I guess this goes for another person to. Someone whose friendship wasn't ever at the level of the previous person mentioned.. but it had to have been something. Someone who.. well I guess I wanted it to mean something. I guess sometimes people are so busy and occupied that there are just not enough hours in the day. But when you keep getting frusterated and upset over this fact, maybe its the person who seems to keep getting left behinds fault ya know. I guess you have to accept the way things are.. and you can either let whatever is happening just roll and pretend everythings ok.. or you can bitch about it on your stupid live journal. I don't care. But really.. I guess I do. I don't know. I don't know how I'm supposed to fix this.. or if college will jsut end everything.. or if some little wand from a Harry Potter charactar's hand can just wave things right... so I don't care anymore. So that everytime people are too "busy" for me.. I can turn around and be too "busy" back and give them the ultimate flip off. (Flip off.. ha ha funny word). But for now I do. And for now I'm pissed and upset and hurt and can't help it. Oh and sick.. can't forget sick.
I think being upset or not on good terms or whatever with even the bestest of friends is just tiring in itself sometimes. Even though you know that in 5 minutes (or hope.. because the sooner these things are forgiven and forgoten the better) everything will be ok again... its just stressful and blah. And so going through this whole cycle of emotions with someone even if it was just a short term wasn't the biggest dilema of my life.. which god.. none of this is.. but it just contributes. And no matter how short or petty or stupid it all is... it still sucks. It just sucks.
Food Break to collect the rest of my thoughts.
I AM DONE. I AM THROUGH. I AM DONE. THROUGH. DONE.
You know who you are.
I don't consider myself a very needy person. I don;t know.. maybe I am. I guess when I feel like I am the only one caring or putting ay reconizable effort into any part of a relationship of any kind.. it kinda pisses me off once in awhile.
At one point of the party tonight (the absolute low for me) I was standing outside.. ready to go.. and looking through my phone book relaizing everyone I would or could call at this point:
a) Was not my friend anymore.
b) Had shown to me there lack of caring in our friendship at that point of the night.
c) Was busy.
d) Would be asleep.
And... that sucked. Then I saw a taxi come up the driveway.. and I sighed and decided to approach it to ask who called so I could go get them and be a good person... and have soemthing to do. The driver told me a person named Christopher called.. and was then like "Nicole?"
I was like "ummm... ya?"
He ended up being a person in my class at SMC. And this stranger... who happened to remember my name.. showed me more care and genuine concern then a few people who were supposed to be my "real" friends did. He asked if I was alright... and was about to help me out getting home. And this really really touched me... and led me to some conclusions that I am typing right now.
I am not saying tonight was all bad. I am not saying that people don't care. I am not trying to insult or hurt and lash out against anyone. This is merely a random sequence of ramblings from an exhasuted mind after an exhausting evening.
See... I feel better already.
Hm.. to take comments or not to take comments. I really don't care anymore. Maybe I need to disaccosiate for awhile... or not have expectations from people and places.. or just mellow out a bit. Ya.. mellow. Chill....
Life's been good. Lots of work. Summer school. Chilling. Attempting to get through it. Which I will.
Let me get through tonight first though. The rest will work out eventually.
Sometimes I wish life were tv and I could mute it for awhile. Put the sleeper on mid-episode. Change the channel. Get back to it when I felt like it. If ever. Or maybe if my emotions could have a remote control. I'm sure it would have a "self destruct" button, which I would have hit by now. And combusting emotions arn't fun.
I think this entry has now lost all shape and meaning. If it ever had any, that is. Well now that I'm thinking about exploding emotions in my tv shaped head.. I will end it here. Let me do this the appropriate way at least...
Persons body with a tv set head.
Head explodes.
It is somewhat bloody.
FADE OUT: