tip of my iceberg.
i balked at the idea of involving myself in a poetry course- but only after i'd signed up. this tips me off to the likelihood of fear being my reason for the reaction. i am indeed from that school of thought similar to a quote from the buk in which he said something to the effect of "writers should stay the hell out of all writing courses." but i thought i feared the cramping of my style; now i know it's just my inhibitions holding me back. i know from my formal education in classical music that it's valuable; even if bjork would advocate throwing out all textbooks and leading children into the forest to show them music. that's dreamy and lovely, and i do find music in everyday noises myself, but well.... i will work hard not to be too long-winded here (that is counterintuitive for me!) and just say that.. well... poetry is not merely therapy (although that has its place). it's an art form. an outlet for reclusive schoolgirls is still what it means dearly to me due to my having first stumbled upon in it that manner myself. but i've been doing that wonderful shit since i was 13, and i now write to play with words rather than only to vent. i am seeing it in a new light now.
this is so. difficult for me to do, this poetry course in which we must read our works aloud, and i decided to drop it for fear of finding my work altered into some more "public" style as a result of changing it into something more bearable and less embarassing to show around.... then i did my "essential enneagram" booklet and as of course i'm a "tragic romantic," one of my faults is being afraid to do some things for fear of "losing my individuality." that hit the nail on the head and seemed in regards to my dilemma on this course. i have lately loved studying books on poetic forms in my own free time, so it isn't actually the playing with various forms that made me unsure; it was the fear. my own anxiety, and i'm sick of that. i want to be over it. no really; i do. i'm (almost!) through with romanticizing it; the pain outweighs the romance in a moment. i had those years of lonesome; they were my formative ones and tho i'm still forming, i've no need to worry a perky blonde field hockey player will suck me in and change me (LOL!). this is who i am now. teenage years were about finding out who i thought i was; and now it's time to test the waters and see if that is me in execution. and this is my time to discover.
plus, though i'm a loner in many ways, i'm social in many others, and i think of those great groups of writers like the beat poets, or tolkien alongside c.s. lewis & charles williams. i am jumping headfirst into writing with full force this fall. i may end up writing some pieces for the school newspaper; the person i've grown closest to here thus far is editor of the opinion page and attempting to recruit me. and i also signed up to be part of "inklings," a community of student writers who meet here on campus. i have never had this. it was me in my room when the panic attacks hit; that was writing. which is still the essence of it for me, but i do ache for some emotional connection with other writers. and i simply cannot bear the thought of all these interesting young people (the best part of the course: all very intriguing creatures surrounding me!) curling up in their chairs on fall & winter nights as the weather's turning colder (it's an evening class) without me. i want to know what they're writing; and i am allowed to have another student read my work out loud for me as long as just someone reads it aloud. this could be big for me; very meaningful and just what i've longed for. so i'll stay enrolled in the course.
but it scares the hell out of me.
this is so. difficult for me to do, this poetry course in which we must read our works aloud, and i decided to drop it for fear of finding my work altered into some more "public" style as a result of changing it into something more bearable and less embarassing to show around.... then i did my "essential enneagram" booklet and as of course i'm a "tragic romantic," one of my faults is being afraid to do some things for fear of "losing my individuality." that hit the nail on the head and seemed in regards to my dilemma on this course. i have lately loved studying books on poetic forms in my own free time, so it isn't actually the playing with various forms that made me unsure; it was the fear. my own anxiety, and i'm sick of that. i want to be over it. no really; i do. i'm (almost!) through with romanticizing it; the pain outweighs the romance in a moment. i had those years of lonesome; they were my formative ones and tho i'm still forming, i've no need to worry a perky blonde field hockey player will suck me in and change me (LOL!). this is who i am now. teenage years were about finding out who i thought i was; and now it's time to test the waters and see if that is me in execution. and this is my time to discover.
plus, though i'm a loner in many ways, i'm social in many others, and i think of those great groups of writers like the beat poets, or tolkien alongside c.s. lewis & charles williams. i am jumping headfirst into writing with full force this fall. i may end up writing some pieces for the school newspaper; the person i've grown closest to here thus far is editor of the opinion page and attempting to recruit me. and i also signed up to be part of "inklings," a community of student writers who meet here on campus. i have never had this. it was me in my room when the panic attacks hit; that was writing. which is still the essence of it for me, but i do ache for some emotional connection with other writers. and i simply cannot bear the thought of all these interesting young people (the best part of the course: all very intriguing creatures surrounding me!) curling up in their chairs on fall & winter nights as the weather's turning colder (it's an evening class) without me. i want to know what they're writing; and i am allowed to have another student read my work out loud for me as long as just someone reads it aloud. this could be big for me; very meaningful and just what i've longed for. so i'll stay enrolled in the course.
but it scares the hell out of me.