until destiny returns. [2/2]
Title: until destiny returns.
Pairing: chanlli
Genre: romance
Rating: PG
Length: one-shot; 8,158 words
Summary: Chanyeol and Jinri find themselves stuck in this never-ending game in which they spend an eternity searching for the other and forever within the other’s arms. At least, that’s how Chanyeol sees it.
one.
vii.
“Do you ever wonder why we’re here?”
Jinri rolls her eyes at the question from her philosophy major of a boyfriend, quietly wondering how he’s managed to do so well in that class when he can barely distinguish his left shoe from his right. “What’s the point in wondering when we’ll never be able to ever find a true answer?”
She doesn’t have to look up from her crossword puzzle to know that he’s shooting her a look of exasperation, so with a sigh, she decides on a different answer. “I don’t know, I suppose that we each have our own, individual purposes in the world. That’s why we’re each born where we’re born so that we can fulfill said purpose.”
“So you believe in destiny?”
“Well, yeah. I suppose I do.”
“Does that mean,” Chanyeol starts, swooping in out of nowhere in order to sit across from her at their small kitchen table with excited eyes, “that you believe in soulmates?”
Sometimes Jinri wonders what it was that she had seen him all those years ago when she had agreed to be the older man’s girlfriend. She can’t help but shoot him a skeptical look as she hesitantly asks, “You mean like the Red String of Fate?”
“That’s exactly what I mean!” he exclaims, clearly invested into the conversation that they’re sharing. Noticing this makes Jinri slightly nervous as she knows that Chanyeol is prone to an incredible amount of eccentricities whenever he gets into one of these moods and once he starts talking, there’s no shutting him up.
“I mean,” she uneasily starts, “That’s just a myth, isn’t it? I like to think that everyone should be allowed to make their own decisions. Perhaps we all have destinies, but it’s our choice whether or not we choose to fulfill it.”
He frowns slightly, causing her to silently berate herself for picking the wrong answer. “And what about dreams? Do you believe in those?”
She hesitates again and decides to make an awkward attempt to turn the tables on him instead. “Do you believe in dreams?”
“I asked you first.”
“But you’re the philosophy major here.”
“Touché.”
The older boy chooses to lean back in his chair, folding his arms behind his head as he ponders his own question. Sunlight streams into the room through the window behind him, casting a halo of light over his head that Jinri can’t help but admire.
After all, despite his countless oddities, he's her angel.
And nothing will ever change that.
“Without dreams, what are we?” he starts off. “Perhaps dreams are what we create in an attempt to escape the constraints of a destiny that had been written prior to our birth. We put our all into dreams despite knowing that they’re not likely to come true, because such thoughts are the true drive that keep us pushing on even when we want to give up. Perhaps it isn’t until we’ve fought hard enough to make our dreams come true that we’ve finally succeeded in defying our destiny.”
Jinri can do nothing but nod because it’s moments like these when she’s reminded just why Chanyeol is a philosophy major: his perspective of the world is something so unique and intriguing and Jinri can only be thankful that she’s allowed to be a part of it.
They sit in silence for a moment, quietly enjoying one another’s company. After a few minutes pass, the younger woman chooses to return her focus back to her crossword.
“Hey, Jinri?”
“Mm?”
“I think that if there’s no such thing as soulmates, then you’re my dream.”
The words immediately make her look back up at him with parted lips as a light flush takes over her cheeks.
“Will you marry me?”
She can do nothing but rush to throw herself into his arms despite the table separating them from one another as she excitedly murmurs, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.”
viii.
Chanyeol can’t help but wrinkle his nose as soon as he enters his house due to a strange, musty smell wafting through the air.
“Jinri? I’m only an hour late and you’ve already succeeded in ruining the entire place in frustration? Real mature, Ri. Real mature,” he jokes as soon as he finds her bent over the bathtub within their shared bathroom.
She shoots him a halfhearted glare before returning her attention to the task at hand. “I didn’t even realize that you were late. It’s not like I had waited for you or anything.”
Because Chanyeol is Chanyeol, he’s unable to tell whether or not she’s being sarcastic with him. Not knowing what else to do, he forces an awkward laugh and asks, “What’s that smell?”
His question is answered almost immediately by the sudden mewling that sounds from the bathtub.
With a raised brow, he sets his briefcase against the wall, and makes his way towards his wife of a few months to examine just what it is that she’s doing.
“Are those -”
“Kittens. They’re kittens, Chanyeol.”
There is a beat of silence as he can do nothing but stare at them blankly.
“Jinri, why is there an entire litter of kittens sitting in our bathtub?”
The younger woman only rolls her eyes in annoyance, “Why can't there be an entire litter of kittens sitting in our bathtub?”
Chanyeol ponders the question for a moment, is unable to come up with a proper answer, and ends up doing nothing more than shrugging.
“I was on my way home when I found them all stuffed in a box on the side of the road. It seemed like they had been there for a while now and no one seemed to want them, so I figured that I’d just take them all home and look out for them until we can find them a more suitable home.”
“I suddenly feel like we’re running an orphanage.”
“A kitten orphanage. It sounds like a cute idea.”
He nods excitedly, a burst of energy suddenly invigorating him out of nowhere as he crouches down beside his wife to examine their new “children.”
There are seven of them total: four girls and three boys. Chanyeol suddenly wishes that he was a cat expert instead of tax expert, that way he would be able to properly distinguish which species the kittens came from. Unfortunately, Chanyeol isn't a cat expert and neither is Jinri, so he can’t do much other than coo at them and make faces.
“Can we name them? I really want to name them,” he grins, picking up a white male with dark rings around its eyes. “Oh, this one looks like a Baekhyun! Can we please name him Baekhyun?”
Jinri giggles, easily amused by her husband’s childish nature. “Baekhyun? Where did that name even come from?”
He shrugs in response, not hesitating to dish out random names for the rest of the kittens as well, Jinri occasionally chipping in an opinion or two as she takes over the responsibility of washing them.
It’s a struggle at first, but it isn’t long until she finally succeeds in making sure that each one of them is squeaky clean and turns to Chanyeol, who is rubbing noses with one of the female cats that he had affectionately dubbed Sehun.
“Let’s go out to get some food for them first, okay? I can only imagine how hungry they are.”
Despite knowing that she’s probably right, Chanyeol can’t help but frown at the idea of leaving the young animals behind. Still, what Jinri says is law, so he obediently grabs his coat and follows her out the door.
“Hey, Ri?”
“Yeah?”
“Having kids is fun. Let’s have a lot of children, okay? I think I want at least twelve.”
Jinri almost chokes on her spit.
Chanyeol only laughs harder.
ix.
“I’m not feeling well, Yeollie.”
“What do you mean?”
She exhales a breath that she didn’t even realize she was holding, raking fingers through tousled, dark locks. “I don’t feel like going out tonight. I think that I just want to go to bed.”
Chanyeol frowns, trying to ignore the feeling of his heart dropping within his chest as he tries to press their date onward, “Awh, come on, Ri! I’m sure that going out for dinner will make you feel better. I got us this reservation at that five-star Italian restaurant over in downtown that you’ve been eager to try, and -”
“I said no, Chanyeol.”
He flinches at her tone.
Jinri notices this and is unable to stop the guilt from eating way at her stomach. She allows the tension within her shoulders to dissipate slightly as she allows her gaze to meet his. “Sorry, Yeollie. I’m just - I’m really not in the mood to do anything big tonight. Next time, okay? I promise.”
The older man forces a strained smile as he moves forward to envelope her in a warm embrace. “Okay. As long as you keep your promise!”
When she laughs, the strain within her voice is the most vibrant, and Chanyeol has to force himself to not flinch.
He tries to act nonchalant as he exits their shared bedroom and makes his way to the living room sofa instead, quietly sitting down and finding solace in simply staring down at the carpet.
Today is their three year anniversary.
x.
They sit across one another in silence: a burden upon both of their shoulders, stifling their breaths as she fiddles with document upon document upon document and he does nothing but sit their idly as his gaze focuses on the nothingness in front of him.
It seems to be a typical Thursday afternoon in the café. Individuals stream in and out of the small restaurant, ordering various sizes of caffeine and sugar as they chat about the lovely weather outside or the latest development in their church’s pilgrimage to some distant land. The easy acoustics of a guitar and piano duet hum lowly through the speakers scattered around the sitting area, and Chanyeol can do nothing but wish that he could drown in it.
He can’t. That would be too easy.
“I just need you to sign on the dotted lines at each of the highlighted marks,” she states, a tone that he is unable to recognize underlying the simplicity of her words.
For a moment, he realizes that perhaps if he refused her, he’d have the opportunity to fix everything. If he chooses now to finally show her his high levels of hesitation for what they’re about to do, maybe she’ll change her mind and everything will go back to normal. Perhaps this is just another bump in the road that they need to overcome, and by resorting to this measure, they’re simply taking the easy way out.
But Chanyeol can't refuse her. He’s never been able to refuse her.
So he quietly grabs the pen that she offers him with a trembling hand and begins to sign the stacks of papers.
He wants to take long. He really does. Yet it seems that time has never really been on his side as he finishes the final whirl of ink and allows the ballpoint to linger at the end of his name, ink continuing to stain the obscure whiteness of the page.
“Yeollie,” she calls, and the familiar nickname sends his head spinning and his heart lurching forward and his throat clogging up with unspoken emotion, “Are you finished?”
There is only the sound of rustling paper as he neatly piles them all in a stack, continuing to try and organize them even after it’s clear that his arrangement is orderly enough. When it seems that he can no longer draw out their time, he moves to pass the piles on to her.
At the last second, right before her fingertips are about to brush his, he pulls away.
“Why?”
Both of them know that there’s no point in elaborating what exactly he means by the simple question: that much is beyond obvious. And yet the weight of the undertones is enough to send Jinri’s mind into a whirlwind of memories - memories that she wishes that she could bury if it means finding some sort of solace in what she’s about to do. Images of exuberantly bright smiles lighting the path through the darkness, delicate eyelashes fluttering against her cheek as he leans against her, lips against hers, nipping, sucking, rolling in perfect synchronization because he was meant for her flood through her mind.
The problem with all of it is that she isn’t meant for him. And no matter how hard she tries - even if she did try - there’s no escaping that fact of the matter.
She hates that every time, despite every cycle of life that they pass through together, only she is able to recall this cruel twist in this reality; despite everything, it is always her role to play the part of the heartbreaker even though it kills her just as it kills every individual involved.
“It’s not your fault,” she whispers, trying hard to ignore the way her voice almost cracks, “It’s no one’s fault.”
The answer isn’t good enough for Chanyeol and Jinri already knows that it won’t be enough for Chanyeol.
But she doesn’t have the courage to explain the cruel nature of their existence to him because thinking about it is enough to make her stomach churn.
“Does he make you happy?”
A pause.
“Yes.”
Her heart clenches at the acknowledgment that the syllable isn’t a lie no matter how much she wishes that it were.
It seems as though Chanyeol is also aware of the truth within her confession as he quickly averts his eyes from her when passing the papers. “That’s all that matters.” As soon as the exchange is complete, he stands up out of his chair, still not finding the strength within himself to properly face her directly. “I guess this is goodbye then.”
She wants to object this statement. She wants to hit him on the head for being so melodramatic while he pulls her closer to him and she wants to hear the booming of his laughter through his ribcage. She wants to intertwine their fingers together and tell him that he’s been her everything for so long and that she doesn’t understand why destiny has to play such a cruel trick on them by forcibly prying her from his embrace as though she’s nothing more than a puppet. She wants to cry against his shoulder as she laments the fact that she isn’t strong enough to fight what she already knows to be coming because Jinri is weak, weak, weak, and the fact that fate likes to think of Chanyeol as nothing more than a stepping stone before she reaches her actual anchor makes her want to vomit. She wants him to understand that nothing is fair and that she isn’t fair even though she wants to be and that her chest feels like it’s ripping open as he walks away from her because the world is cruel and fighting it will get both of them nowhere.
However, she doesn’t do any of this. Instead, Jinri does nothing as he continues to step away from her.
Tears roll down both of their faces as he brushes past her one last time, stopping to whisper, “I told you that my heart would be safe in your hands. And despite everything, I’m still trusting you to keep it for eternity.”
The bell rings behind him as he exits the café.
It’s only then that Jinri truly breaks down.
---
Chanyeol doesn’t know why he forgets, but he always does.
For some reason, he constantly lives in the delusion that he’s the male protagonist of the story and that Jinri is the female and they’re meant to live happily ever after because that’s how stories are just supposed to go. He imagines that true love exists and will always prevail, but time after time, he’s always reminded that he’s nothing more than another chapter in the story while he's the actual book.
Chanyeol may be a bodyguard, but he's the prince.
Chanyeol may be the kind man who helps the poor girl rise up from poverty, but he's the celebrity that truly wins her heart.
Chanyeol may be her first love, but he's her everlasting soulmate.
Chanyeol may be the best friend who understands her dreams, but he's the one who fulfills them.
Chanyeol may be the medic, but he's the cure.
Chanyeol may be the one who consoles her, but he's the one who rises her up from the ashes.
Chanyeol may be the one who gets her to think about love and destiny, but it’s he who’s her actual love and destiny.
Chanyeol is nothing more than a second in time, but he's infinity.
He doesn’t know how he allows himself to keep forgetting this important lesson, but he does.
And it hurts.
---
When we’re born into this world, we float.
Not literally, of course - that would be a bit silly. We figuratively float here and there, near and far, and we can’t control where we float because all of the floating is simply predetermined by some unknown force that we have absolutely no influence over.
Park Chanyeol has stopped floating.
Or perhaps, maybe the entire idea of floating had been just that the entire time: nothing more than a simple idea possessed by a boy cursed to relive through the same cycle over and over again; to fall in love with the same girl, have her so close to his side, and then realize soon enough that she could never love him even if she wanted to because that's now how their destiny was written to work.
And that’s what hurts most.
Chanyeol thinks that maybe, if he just continued to force the memories out of his mind, he’d be alright. He could pretend like his fate never actually happens and he’ll continue to float in his pristine world and he can try to win his love’s heart the next time around.
But he knows that doing so is only in vain. He knows that such an attempt is nothing but futile. And he likes to think that when he’s torn from Jinri’s fingertips, she experiences just as much pain as he does.
Wishful thinking. I've always been good at wishful thinking.
---
Park Chanyeol doesn’t understand much - not consciously, at least.
But perhaps the nature of a genuine altruist is one that had always been written in his blood.
Park Chanyeol no longer floats because he knows that his existence is what makes her reunion with him bittersweet. He no longer floats because he knows that as soon as she sees him, she recalls that her first love was never meant to be and is forced to bear the weight of breaking this news to him, crushing his heart, because he never seems to remember.
Park Chanyeol no longer floats because he loves her but she can’t love him back and despite everything he’d like to believe, he can no longer deny that he’s the sole entity keeping her from achieving true happiness.
And he can’t live with that guilt.
---
author's note: i was a little nervous at first when i started writing this out, but now that it's over and done with, i think that i've ended up liking it a lot. there's a lot of symbolism sprinkled here and there and the weight that the story's structure possesses directly affects the plot line of the story - something that i feel like i haven't been able to properly accomplish in a long time.
anywho, thank you so much for reading! feedback is highly appreciated. c:
Pairing: chanlli
Genre: romance
Rating: PG
Length: one-shot; 8,158 words
Summary: Chanyeol and Jinri find themselves stuck in this never-ending game in which they spend an eternity searching for the other and forever within the other’s arms. At least, that’s how Chanyeol sees it.
one.
vii.
“Do you ever wonder why we’re here?”
Jinri rolls her eyes at the question from her philosophy major of a boyfriend, quietly wondering how he’s managed to do so well in that class when he can barely distinguish his left shoe from his right. “What’s the point in wondering when we’ll never be able to ever find a true answer?”
She doesn’t have to look up from her crossword puzzle to know that he’s shooting her a look of exasperation, so with a sigh, she decides on a different answer. “I don’t know, I suppose that we each have our own, individual purposes in the world. That’s why we’re each born where we’re born so that we can fulfill said purpose.”
“So you believe in destiny?”
“Well, yeah. I suppose I do.”
“Does that mean,” Chanyeol starts, swooping in out of nowhere in order to sit across from her at their small kitchen table with excited eyes, “that you believe in soulmates?”
Sometimes Jinri wonders what it was that she had seen him all those years ago when she had agreed to be the older man’s girlfriend. She can’t help but shoot him a skeptical look as she hesitantly asks, “You mean like the Red String of Fate?”
“That’s exactly what I mean!” he exclaims, clearly invested into the conversation that they’re sharing. Noticing this makes Jinri slightly nervous as she knows that Chanyeol is prone to an incredible amount of eccentricities whenever he gets into one of these moods and once he starts talking, there’s no shutting him up.
“I mean,” she uneasily starts, “That’s just a myth, isn’t it? I like to think that everyone should be allowed to make their own decisions. Perhaps we all have destinies, but it’s our choice whether or not we choose to fulfill it.”
He frowns slightly, causing her to silently berate herself for picking the wrong answer. “And what about dreams? Do you believe in those?”
She hesitates again and decides to make an awkward attempt to turn the tables on him instead. “Do you believe in dreams?”
“I asked you first.”
“But you’re the philosophy major here.”
“Touché.”
The older boy chooses to lean back in his chair, folding his arms behind his head as he ponders his own question. Sunlight streams into the room through the window behind him, casting a halo of light over his head that Jinri can’t help but admire.
After all, despite his countless oddities, he's her angel.
And nothing will ever change that.
“Without dreams, what are we?” he starts off. “Perhaps dreams are what we create in an attempt to escape the constraints of a destiny that had been written prior to our birth. We put our all into dreams despite knowing that they’re not likely to come true, because such thoughts are the true drive that keep us pushing on even when we want to give up. Perhaps it isn’t until we’ve fought hard enough to make our dreams come true that we’ve finally succeeded in defying our destiny.”
Jinri can do nothing but nod because it’s moments like these when she’s reminded just why Chanyeol is a philosophy major: his perspective of the world is something so unique and intriguing and Jinri can only be thankful that she’s allowed to be a part of it.
They sit in silence for a moment, quietly enjoying one another’s company. After a few minutes pass, the younger woman chooses to return her focus back to her crossword.
“Hey, Jinri?”
“Mm?”
“I think that if there’s no such thing as soulmates, then you’re my dream.”
The words immediately make her look back up at him with parted lips as a light flush takes over her cheeks.
“Will you marry me?”
She can do nothing but rush to throw herself into his arms despite the table separating them from one another as she excitedly murmurs, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.”
viii.
Chanyeol can’t help but wrinkle his nose as soon as he enters his house due to a strange, musty smell wafting through the air.
“Jinri? I’m only an hour late and you’ve already succeeded in ruining the entire place in frustration? Real mature, Ri. Real mature,” he jokes as soon as he finds her bent over the bathtub within their shared bathroom.
She shoots him a halfhearted glare before returning her attention to the task at hand. “I didn’t even realize that you were late. It’s not like I had waited for you or anything.”
Because Chanyeol is Chanyeol, he’s unable to tell whether or not she’s being sarcastic with him. Not knowing what else to do, he forces an awkward laugh and asks, “What’s that smell?”
His question is answered almost immediately by the sudden mewling that sounds from the bathtub.
With a raised brow, he sets his briefcase against the wall, and makes his way towards his wife of a few months to examine just what it is that she’s doing.
“Are those -”
“Kittens. They’re kittens, Chanyeol.”
There is a beat of silence as he can do nothing but stare at them blankly.
“Jinri, why is there an entire litter of kittens sitting in our bathtub?”
The younger woman only rolls her eyes in annoyance, “Why can't there be an entire litter of kittens sitting in our bathtub?”
Chanyeol ponders the question for a moment, is unable to come up with a proper answer, and ends up doing nothing more than shrugging.
“I was on my way home when I found them all stuffed in a box on the side of the road. It seemed like they had been there for a while now and no one seemed to want them, so I figured that I’d just take them all home and look out for them until we can find them a more suitable home.”
“I suddenly feel like we’re running an orphanage.”
“A kitten orphanage. It sounds like a cute idea.”
He nods excitedly, a burst of energy suddenly invigorating him out of nowhere as he crouches down beside his wife to examine their new “children.”
There are seven of them total: four girls and three boys. Chanyeol suddenly wishes that he was a cat expert instead of tax expert, that way he would be able to properly distinguish which species the kittens came from. Unfortunately, Chanyeol isn't a cat expert and neither is Jinri, so he can’t do much other than coo at them and make faces.
“Can we name them? I really want to name them,” he grins, picking up a white male with dark rings around its eyes. “Oh, this one looks like a Baekhyun! Can we please name him Baekhyun?”
Jinri giggles, easily amused by her husband’s childish nature. “Baekhyun? Where did that name even come from?”
He shrugs in response, not hesitating to dish out random names for the rest of the kittens as well, Jinri occasionally chipping in an opinion or two as she takes over the responsibility of washing them.
It’s a struggle at first, but it isn’t long until she finally succeeds in making sure that each one of them is squeaky clean and turns to Chanyeol, who is rubbing noses with one of the female cats that he had affectionately dubbed Sehun.
“Let’s go out to get some food for them first, okay? I can only imagine how hungry they are.”
Despite knowing that she’s probably right, Chanyeol can’t help but frown at the idea of leaving the young animals behind. Still, what Jinri says is law, so he obediently grabs his coat and follows her out the door.
“Hey, Ri?”
“Yeah?”
“Having kids is fun. Let’s have a lot of children, okay? I think I want at least twelve.”
Jinri almost chokes on her spit.
Chanyeol only laughs harder.
ix.
“I’m not feeling well, Yeollie.”
“What do you mean?”
She exhales a breath that she didn’t even realize she was holding, raking fingers through tousled, dark locks. “I don’t feel like going out tonight. I think that I just want to go to bed.”
Chanyeol frowns, trying to ignore the feeling of his heart dropping within his chest as he tries to press their date onward, “Awh, come on, Ri! I’m sure that going out for dinner will make you feel better. I got us this reservation at that five-star Italian restaurant over in downtown that you’ve been eager to try, and -”
“I said no, Chanyeol.”
He flinches at her tone.
Jinri notices this and is unable to stop the guilt from eating way at her stomach. She allows the tension within her shoulders to dissipate slightly as she allows her gaze to meet his. “Sorry, Yeollie. I’m just - I’m really not in the mood to do anything big tonight. Next time, okay? I promise.”
The older man forces a strained smile as he moves forward to envelope her in a warm embrace. “Okay. As long as you keep your promise!”
When she laughs, the strain within her voice is the most vibrant, and Chanyeol has to force himself to not flinch.
He tries to act nonchalant as he exits their shared bedroom and makes his way to the living room sofa instead, quietly sitting down and finding solace in simply staring down at the carpet.
Today is their three year anniversary.
x.
They sit across one another in silence: a burden upon both of their shoulders, stifling their breaths as she fiddles with document upon document upon document and he does nothing but sit their idly as his gaze focuses on the nothingness in front of him.
It seems to be a typical Thursday afternoon in the café. Individuals stream in and out of the small restaurant, ordering various sizes of caffeine and sugar as they chat about the lovely weather outside or the latest development in their church’s pilgrimage to some distant land. The easy acoustics of a guitar and piano duet hum lowly through the speakers scattered around the sitting area, and Chanyeol can do nothing but wish that he could drown in it.
He can’t. That would be too easy.
“I just need you to sign on the dotted lines at each of the highlighted marks,” she states, a tone that he is unable to recognize underlying the simplicity of her words.
For a moment, he realizes that perhaps if he refused her, he’d have the opportunity to fix everything. If he chooses now to finally show her his high levels of hesitation for what they’re about to do, maybe she’ll change her mind and everything will go back to normal. Perhaps this is just another bump in the road that they need to overcome, and by resorting to this measure, they’re simply taking the easy way out.
But Chanyeol can't refuse her. He’s never been able to refuse her.
So he quietly grabs the pen that she offers him with a trembling hand and begins to sign the stacks of papers.
He wants to take long. He really does. Yet it seems that time has never really been on his side as he finishes the final whirl of ink and allows the ballpoint to linger at the end of his name, ink continuing to stain the obscure whiteness of the page.
“Yeollie,” she calls, and the familiar nickname sends his head spinning and his heart lurching forward and his throat clogging up with unspoken emotion, “Are you finished?”
There is only the sound of rustling paper as he neatly piles them all in a stack, continuing to try and organize them even after it’s clear that his arrangement is orderly enough. When it seems that he can no longer draw out their time, he moves to pass the piles on to her.
At the last second, right before her fingertips are about to brush his, he pulls away.
“Why?”
Both of them know that there’s no point in elaborating what exactly he means by the simple question: that much is beyond obvious. And yet the weight of the undertones is enough to send Jinri’s mind into a whirlwind of memories - memories that she wishes that she could bury if it means finding some sort of solace in what she’s about to do. Images of exuberantly bright smiles lighting the path through the darkness, delicate eyelashes fluttering against her cheek as he leans against her, lips against hers, nipping, sucking, rolling in perfect synchronization because he was meant for her flood through her mind.
The problem with all of it is that she isn’t meant for him. And no matter how hard she tries - even if she did try - there’s no escaping that fact of the matter.
She hates that every time, despite every cycle of life that they pass through together, only she is able to recall this cruel twist in this reality; despite everything, it is always her role to play the part of the heartbreaker even though it kills her just as it kills every individual involved.
“It’s not your fault,” she whispers, trying hard to ignore the way her voice almost cracks, “It’s no one’s fault.”
The answer isn’t good enough for Chanyeol and Jinri already knows that it won’t be enough for Chanyeol.
But she doesn’t have the courage to explain the cruel nature of their existence to him because thinking about it is enough to make her stomach churn.
“Does he make you happy?”
A pause.
“Yes.”
Her heart clenches at the acknowledgment that the syllable isn’t a lie no matter how much she wishes that it were.
It seems as though Chanyeol is also aware of the truth within her confession as he quickly averts his eyes from her when passing the papers. “That’s all that matters.” As soon as the exchange is complete, he stands up out of his chair, still not finding the strength within himself to properly face her directly. “I guess this is goodbye then.”
She wants to object this statement. She wants to hit him on the head for being so melodramatic while he pulls her closer to him and she wants to hear the booming of his laughter through his ribcage. She wants to intertwine their fingers together and tell him that he’s been her everything for so long and that she doesn’t understand why destiny has to play such a cruel trick on them by forcibly prying her from his embrace as though she’s nothing more than a puppet. She wants to cry against his shoulder as she laments the fact that she isn’t strong enough to fight what she already knows to be coming because Jinri is weak, weak, weak, and the fact that fate likes to think of Chanyeol as nothing more than a stepping stone before she reaches her actual anchor makes her want to vomit. She wants him to understand that nothing is fair and that she isn’t fair even though she wants to be and that her chest feels like it’s ripping open as he walks away from her because the world is cruel and fighting it will get both of them nowhere.
However, she doesn’t do any of this. Instead, Jinri does nothing as he continues to step away from her.
Tears roll down both of their faces as he brushes past her one last time, stopping to whisper, “I told you that my heart would be safe in your hands. And despite everything, I’m still trusting you to keep it for eternity.”
The bell rings behind him as he exits the café.
It’s only then that Jinri truly breaks down.
---
Chanyeol doesn’t know why he forgets, but he always does.
For some reason, he constantly lives in the delusion that he’s the male protagonist of the story and that Jinri is the female and they’re meant to live happily ever after because that’s how stories are just supposed to go. He imagines that true love exists and will always prevail, but time after time, he’s always reminded that he’s nothing more than another chapter in the story while he's the actual book.
Chanyeol may be a bodyguard, but he's the prince.
Chanyeol may be the kind man who helps the poor girl rise up from poverty, but he's the celebrity that truly wins her heart.
Chanyeol may be her first love, but he's her everlasting soulmate.
Chanyeol may be the best friend who understands her dreams, but he's the one who fulfills them.
Chanyeol may be the medic, but he's the cure.
Chanyeol may be the one who consoles her, but he's the one who rises her up from the ashes.
Chanyeol may be the one who gets her to think about love and destiny, but it’s he who’s her actual love and destiny.
Chanyeol is nothing more than a second in time, but he's infinity.
He doesn’t know how he allows himself to keep forgetting this important lesson, but he does.
And it hurts.
---
When we’re born into this world, we float.
Not literally, of course - that would be a bit silly. We figuratively float here and there, near and far, and we can’t control where we float because all of the floating is simply predetermined by some unknown force that we have absolutely no influence over.
Park Chanyeol has stopped floating.
Or perhaps, maybe the entire idea of floating had been just that the entire time: nothing more than a simple idea possessed by a boy cursed to relive through the same cycle over and over again; to fall in love with the same girl, have her so close to his side, and then realize soon enough that she could never love him even if she wanted to because that's now how their destiny was written to work.
And that’s what hurts most.
Chanyeol thinks that maybe, if he just continued to force the memories out of his mind, he’d be alright. He could pretend like his fate never actually happens and he’ll continue to float in his pristine world and he can try to win his love’s heart the next time around.
But he knows that doing so is only in vain. He knows that such an attempt is nothing but futile. And he likes to think that when he’s torn from Jinri’s fingertips, she experiences just as much pain as he does.
Wishful thinking. I've always been good at wishful thinking.
---
Park Chanyeol doesn’t understand much - not consciously, at least.
But perhaps the nature of a genuine altruist is one that had always been written in his blood.
Park Chanyeol no longer floats because he knows that his existence is what makes her reunion with him bittersweet. He no longer floats because he knows that as soon as she sees him, she recalls that her first love was never meant to be and is forced to bear the weight of breaking this news to him, crushing his heart, because he never seems to remember.
Park Chanyeol no longer floats because he loves her but she can’t love him back and despite everything he’d like to believe, he can no longer deny that he’s the sole entity keeping her from achieving true happiness.
And he can’t live with that guilt.
---
author's note: i was a little nervous at first when i started writing this out, but now that it's over and done with, i think that i've ended up liking it a lot. there's a lot of symbolism sprinkled here and there and the weight that the story's structure possesses directly affects the plot line of the story - something that i feel like i haven't been able to properly accomplish in a long time.
anywho, thank you so much for reading! feedback is highly appreciated. c: