neverland's will. [2/2]
Title: neverland's will.
Pairing: layhan
Genre: friendship/romance
Rating: PG-13
Length: one-shot; ~12,000 words
Summary: While Yixing worries for his future, Luhan laments the past. Because as they dive into a world of memories, it becomes evident that one clings desperately to the broken shards of glass, while all the other can do is try to gather what remains of the pieces.
{entry for challenge #09 at aideshou}
part one
A few decades later, the duo meet a pair of friends somewhere in Berlin. They're surprised to hear someone speaking in the native tongue that the two hadn't been exposed to for years, and they're both quick to introduce themselves to the sudden burst of familiarity.
"Huang Zitao," the Chinese man says, "And this is my friend, Oh Sehun."
The slightly shorter boy whispers an embarrassed greeting, shyly hiding behind his taller friend.
Yixing thinks that their friendship is cute, but Luhan is wise enough to know that their relationship extends to something far more intimate than a simple friendship.
Even though it's not something that he has been exposed to regularly, he still thinks it's cute.
It doesn't take long for Yixing to figure this out for himself, but his reaction is something that is the complete opposite of Luhan's.
"That's so... unnatural," he whispers to the other, nose crinkled in faint disgust. "It looks so wrong. They're breaking every law of nature."
His words affect Luhan in a way that neither of them expect. "Why do you say that? Love is love. Physical appearances shouldn't matter. Don't you agree?" When Yixing slowly nods his head, Luhan is quick to continue, "And gender is technically something categorized as physical, since we have no conscious control over it. Just let them be."
Yixing says nothing-perhaps in order to evade getting on his elder's bad side-but Luhan is still disappointed upon noticing that Yixing begins to treat the other two males differently.
While Zitao and Sehun have offered them free lodging for months now, Yixing has always received the two younger men warmly: smile wide on his face, eyes glistening in delight, and arms spread in welcome. But his former kindness is quickly replaced with hesitation and doubt-in fact, Luhan finds that his longtime friend sometimes goes out of his way to avoid even coming into contact with the couple.
Though it would make sense if he simply took Yixing's behavioral change in stride-perhaps even subconsciously adopting the same attitude towards the younger men-he finds himself unable to do so. In fact, Luhan actually finds himself angry that his friend is being so judgmental. A part of him rationalizes that this is something to be expected: Yixing had always seemed to be a religious fellow (despite the fact that he was a recent convert) back when they had first met. Perhaps that side of him is something that never changed (for, although he never choses to comment on it, it is impossible to not wake up when Yixing does at the crack of dawn every Sunday morning to stumble his way into a church).
But in Luhan's case, the more rational part of him always tends to be a miniscule component in his overall thought process.
In all reality, it's difficult for him to understand why Yixing is so disgusted by the love that the two boys share. Is it really that wrong for two men to have such feelings for one another? Are such feelings so taboo that they could permanently ruin the perceptions of others?
Luhan isn't sure why it concerns him so much. And despite the fact that he and Yixing have always been incredibly honest with one another regarding their thoughts and have never previously hesitated to ask the other any question no matter what the subject, the older male suddenly finds that he can't find the proper words to do so. Suddenly, his former reputation of having a flawless way with words has disappeared, vanishing into thin air along with a vast amount of his confidence. Without warning, a small wave of discomfort washes over his being whenever he makes contact with his younger companion; a strange feeling of anxiousness overtakes his mind even when they do something as innocent as holding hands.
Luhan doesn't know where the feelings are coming from. And the fact that some part of him knows that discussing the matter with Yixing would only make everything worse doesn't help at all.
---
When Luhan and Yixing return to the house of the two younger men, they are surprised to find it nearly destroyed and their two companions nowhere to be found.
After asking around, they are forced to come to terms with horrible news: it has been ordered that the two be sent to a "concentration camp" of sorts.
It doesn't take long for the weight of those words to settle within the hearts of both Luhan and Yixing.
They quickly take their leave from the area underneath a cloak of stars, and Luhan is still in a state of shock regarding the whole matter. He debates whether or not he should ask Yixing for his thoughts about it all, but he decides not to.
He finds that he's afraid to hear the answer.
---
"I'm tired, Lu."
"You can't possibly be as tired as I am. You can go ages without sleep. I can barely survive a day."
"No, not that kind of tired. It's not the kind of tired you can fix by simply sleeping."
"What on Earth are you talking about?"
Yixing sighs and rakes a hand through auburn locks. "I'm beginning to become tired of this life that we live. I want to... I think it's almost my time."
The words startle Luhan enough to make him whip his head towards the youngster with wide eyes. "That doesn't make any sense. You can't die. You don't have a time. You're going to live forever, remember?" With me. You're going to live forever with me.
"I have the option of living for forever," Yixing corrects with a calmness that sends the older man's mind into a frenzy. "But I think... What's the point in living for forever? We're forced to watch thousands and thousands-maybe even millions-of people that we know suffer and die. We have to watch them get old and lose their inspiration until they finally succumb to the greedy hands of death. But while they're forced to endure such pain, the sensation is something that either of us barely remember. While they desperately cling to every second of their short lives, we throw away hours and hours because we have all the hours in the world to spare. We're cheating everything that is natural in the world for selfish reasons, and it's unfair. I don't want to do it anymore."
No matter how hard Luhan tries, he finds that he is unable to form the correct words to respond. There is a feeling in his chest that is slowly expanding throughout his entire being, consuming all of his warmth, and it scares him. The idea that Yixing, his best and only friend in the world, is having such thoughts sends his mind racing without direction.
And everything hurts.
But he can't tell Yixing that.
"You still have me, you know," he quietly whispers.
There is a short silence as Yixing's thoughtful eyes bore into his own frightened ones. And what frightens Luhan is the sudden realization that he can no longer tell what the other is thinking; instead of a synchronized thought process, he's scared to come to the conclusion that somewhere between here and there, a piece of their relationship has been forsaken. He's scared that it's something that they can never get back, because for centuries now, all they've been doing is wandering and forgetting, and perhaps this precious part of their friendship is just another one of those things destined to be forgotten.
What frightens Luhan is that he's losing him.
"I know, Lu. I know."
---
Things slowly fall back into their former routine, though it would be a lie to say that the two fell back into their harmonized rhythm.
Somehow, in their avoidance of the West and their goal to go anywhere that wasn't home (because home is something that's far too familiar for either of their tastes despite the fact that they haven't visited the country in ages), the two end up in the bustling city of Seoul on the Korean peninsula. It had been Luhan's idea and, although he was incredibly proud of it for a while, it isn't long before he regrets ever coming up with the suggestion.
Because during one of their pranks on civilization, Yixing meets her: a beloved songstress adored by not only Korean citizens, but by an international audience as well. She's softhearted with a gentle smile that looks as fragile as a blooming rose, and a heart that's big enough to enwrap the entire world in a warm embrace. Her voice has the pitch of an angel's with the power of a goddess' and it's enough to make everyone stop and listen whenever her caring timbre echoes throughout the air.
And when Yixing meets her as he and Luhan exit a building under the name 'SM' with the idea that maybe being superstars for a while would be fun, it's as though his entire existence is put on pause because all that he sees is her, her, her, her, her-and suddenly Luhan means nothing. And this girl, this woman, seems to feel the weight of his gaze on her because she turns to him with rosy cheeks and smiles.
Luhan finds the expression on the woman to be disgusting, but Yixing considers the moment to be a masterpiece.
Soon enough, the false dream of singing and dancing to their heart's content is thrown out the window. Because, although Luhan is still intrigued by the idea of fame, Yixing has lost all interest in it. Suddenly, "what ifs?" and hushed whispers become nothing in his world-all that matters is her, her, her, her, her. How she smells, how she laughs, what she likes, what she hates. His world is focused on nothing but her and Luhan doesn't know how to fix it because he no longer knows how to speak. Somewhere between Tao and Sehun, and this new, nameless woman, Luhan has lost all of his coherency. It's nonexistent now, as is his will to share each and every one of his thoughts with his longtime comrade because what used to come so naturally to him now feels like something that can prove to be detrimental to their already brittle relationship. Their bond is shattering at a rate that is much too fast for him to handle, and what tortures him most is the fact that it seems like Yixing is oblivious to the entire thing.
Why doesn't he care? What's happened to their friendship? When did their bond become nothing more than a figment of Luhan's imagination?
---
A few months later, Yixing comes home with this giant smile on his face and the news that she said yes.
Luhan is unable to come to terms with the meaning of his words and can do nothing but blink in confusion.
But soon enough, the weight of his words comes tumbling down to crash into whatever piece of reality that Luhan was still holding on to. Because she said yes and now Yixing is getting married.
And in Yixing's case, marriage is the equivalent to a fate worse than death.
Despite the fact that Luhan suddenly can't see straight, he manages a forced smile and a faint "Congratulations, Xing." But the younger man doesn't even seem to hear his words as he runs to the balcony of their shared apartment and unleashes a happy shout that is filled with a joy that Luhan hasn't heard in a long time.
While Yixing is still excitedly celebrating his engagement, Luhan slips under the covers of a bed that feels much too spacious and much too cold. He doesn't understand why his comrade is so accepting of his coming damnation; why he can rejoice and smile like it's the happiest moment in his life because he basically just wrote away his life. And even though he had technically done that centuries ago, he always had the option to refrain from losing himself to a world full of nothing but flames. So why is he rushing into it? Why is he so eager to leave the world of the living in order to experience a single night with a woman who has no idea that she has just caught herself up in a web of dark magic?
Does he remember? He has to remember. There's too much at stake for him to not remember.
So why doesn't he care?
And why does Luhan's chest feel like it's ripping itself open with poisoned talons that laugh at his unnamed suffering? Why is it that it suddenly feels like his entire world is slowly collapsing in on itself, like whatever light that somehow managed to remain lit for his sake has suddenly flickered out as though it had never even shone in the first place, like he's trapped in a frigid blizzard with no means of escaping because there is no one left to save him?
Luhan is shaking desperately underneath the layers and layers of blankets due to the absence of a familiar warmth.
And no, those surely aren't tears that are dripping down his childish features because crying definitely wouldn't solve anything. He isn't sad. That would be silly. No, no, Luhan is full of nothing but joy for his friend. Because it would be stupid for him to be upset when Yixing can't stop smiling. That would make him selfish. And Luhan already knows from past experience that selfishness does nothing but ruin everything.
Luhan isn't crying because he's sad or because he just needs to cry.
He's just very cold. That's all.
---
"What are you doing, Lu?" came a soft chuckle into the shell of the other's ear. "You've been latched onto me for what feels like forever now. If you don't let go of me soon, I'm going to be late for my own wedding. And what kind of image would that portray?"
When the older man only grips the tailored suit of the groom tighter, Yixing begins to become worried. "Lu, what's the matter?"
Luhan's mind reels with millions of words in countless languages that could possibly explain what the matter is, but he finds that none of them will be of any use because words are useless. None of them will have the desired effect because none of them are powerful enough to showcase the feelings of his very soul; words are just words and nothing more.
He pulls away from the embrace to stare heavily into the eyes across from his: eyes that used to reflect his very being but now seem glazed over with a sort of mundane joy that Luhan doesn't think should be possible. He desperately tries to find a trace of himself within the eyes of the other, but there is nothing. There is absolutely nothing in them that Luhan can confidently say he recognizes, and it twists his heart in a way that is so painful he collapses.
Because why doesn't Yixing understand? Why doesn't Yixing understand now when it's incredibly important for him to understand? Why is it that when Luhan truly needs him to be able to read his mind, the other seems to have no intentions of doing so?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
"Luhan. Luhan, seriously. What's wrong?"
And that's when the older male finally cries, sobbing on the church's newly waxed floor as he desperately tries to think of some way to explain himself even though doing so seems impossible. A faint part of him feels embarrassed for his childish actions, but a large part of him feels a horrible amount of disgust in himself because he knows the words that he has to say, but he also knows that saying them out loud would forever break apart the thinning string that connected him to Yixing. And at this point, it is these scraps of useless cloth that are the only things tethering Luhan to his sanity-however minuscule they may be.
"Please don't do this, Xing. You know that doing this will take you away for forever. You don't deserve that, Xing. You're too good for such a fate."
They're the wrong words. And Luhan knows this, but he's still too scared to say the right ones.
"It's okay, Lu. I'll be alright. Besides, a couple of decades in Hell won't break me. And what are a couple of decades to an eventual eternity in Heaven?" he responds softly. "You know better than I do that time doesn't really mean much. There's no need to worry. I'll be alright."
"But I won't be," the older murmurs, and Yixing is almost sure that he heard him wrong until the elder continues, "Yixing, what am I going to do without you?"
The surprised expression on Yixing's face speaks volumes.
"Because when you leave, I'll be alone. I'll be all by myself again and I won't even be able to remember what it's like to have someone by my side every day and every night because you would've faded from history's memory. I'll be so lost. I'll have nowhere to go. And then there'll be no more point in my living because..." Because how much is life truly worth without the person you love?
It is clear that the younger man isn't sure how to react, but he slowly kneels down onto the floor of the church himself to embrace his friend one more time. "You'll be okay, Lu. You don't need me. You'll be okay. Tomorrow you won't even remember that I ever existed."
And it is these words that cause Luhan to sob even harder than he had been doing before because Yixing still doesn't understand and he's running out of ways to make him do so. The invisible clock keeps on ticking and it hurts because he's still so scared to admit to something that he knows could possibly ruin their last moments together; he only has one hope for something that'll make Yixing change his mind, but that hope is so dim that he's sure it won't work. He doesn't see the point in trying.
But when he looks up at Yixing again, it looks as though something has changed in his eyes as the younger man quietly asks, "What else are you not telling me?"
The hesitation continues on Luhan's part.
Seconds full of nothing but silence quickly turn into minutes and then Yixing sighs because it seems like Luhan is being nothing short of ridiculously selfish (which is probably true), and that scares Luhan even more because nothing would be worse than Yixing walking away from him and towards that altar without having to hear what he has to say.
But words are scary, horrifying things that Luhan continues to wish didn't exist because it seems like they do nothing but make his existence so much more complicated than it has to be.
And it angers him.
His mind is continuing to race, continuing to string fragments of syllables together to form the perfect response without including those dreaded three words that he knows he has to include to make sense, but it keeps failing. And the stress of it all just makes Luhan cry harder which stings a piece of Yixing that he is insistent no longer exists.
So when the wedding bells begin to chime signaling that the wedding is to start in a matter of seconds, Luhan gives up on thinking.
He closes the short distance between his lips and Yixing's, and for a moment, nothing else matters. Because in that moment, everything that has been building up inside of him is suddenly transferred to the other; everything that he had wanted to say but couldn't is being thrown out there in a way that is impossible to ignore; every piece of his soul is reawakened inside the other's being because it's been there the whole time but buried underneath the fabric of a time that never should've passed on so quickly.
Luhan should be experienced enough with time itself to be able to come to terms with the fact that the moment lasted for only a few mere seconds despite the feeling that it could've lasted an eternity. But when Yixing gently pushes at his chest and separates from the elder's embrace, Luhan finds that whatever he used to know, whatever logic that had made sense at one point in his life has faded from his memory. When Yixing quickly avoids Luhan's gaze and quietly whispers, "No, Luhan. You know I can't," something cracks inside the older man.
He was right to believe that hoping would do him no good. Nothing ever really did Luhan good at all. It was too late for that.
---
The next day, Luhan wakes up in a bare apartment that is much too cold for his liking and a feeling in his chest that feels vaguely like emptiness, but that would be silly because chests aren't meant to feel empty. He has a ridiculously painful headache, and he finds himself calling for a nonexistent friend to bring him a bottle of painkiller and a glass of water.
He's gone insane. Truly.
Still, there is a strange feeling of loss in the pit of his being, and when he sits up to get the medicine for himself, he almost staggers back when he sees another identical bed next to his own.
It doesn't make much sense because Luhan's been alone for as long as he can remember. But when he tentatively moves to stroke a pillow that looks like it has never been touched in the duration of his existence, his heart lurches in his chest and his mind is sent reeling.
For some reason, he finds himself sobbing which is absolutely ridiculous because Luhan is an angel of death, and such messengers aren't meant to cry. That would be stupid.
---
"I haven't seen you in a couple of centuries."
"What are you talking about?" Luhan mutters, eyes puffy, throat raw, and with a ridiculously painful emptiness in his chest that doesn't seem to go away no matter how much he wishes it to. "I came here yesterday. I come here every day."
"And where is here exactly? Neverland?"
There's something about the name that touches a nerve in the back of Luhan's mind, signaling memories of childish laughter and stars and holding hands, and it does nothing but anger him further because he doesn't know what any of it means. "What the hell are you talking about, Wufan?"
The man acts stunned for a moment, but the expression across his features looks too practiced to be mistaken as something genuine, and Luhan isn't stupid enough to believe his falsities for a second. "Oh, that's right. I had nearly forgotten that the wedding was yesterday."
"Wedding?"
Wufan's laugh makes Luhan flinch.
"Poor Lu doesn't seem to be able to remember a thing."
It is the mention of memories that seems to strike a chord within the young man as he quietly whispers, "What do you mean?"
"It wouldn't be any fun if I told you. And I've been bored for ages, so I think that I deserve this sliver of entertainment."
And even though he knows that the heart within his chest is anything but a good one, Luhan still finds it beating faster and faster the longer he stares at the Devil before him. "You're not making any sense, Wufan. This isn't a game. What did you do to me?"
"I didn't do anything. It's too bad that you can't remember who did. Though I'm sure that even if you were somehow able to recall his name, you wouldn't feel any anger at all. After all, your dear Xing did mean the world to you."
"X-Xing?"
"Why, yes. Zhang Yixing," the man drawls, "Ring a bell? I doubt it."
But contrary to Wufan's thoughts, the name is enough to ring more than a bell. The simple three syllables are enough to send recollections of a dimpled cheek and auburn hair and a man that is everything that Luhan is but not at the same time through his mind. But he finds that they are all jumbled fragments: pieces of a puzzle that don't fit together because the most important pieces have been lost to some sort of sorcery that doesn't have any true explanation other than the man before him. And the realization of all this sends Luhan stumbling to the ground because he knows that there's someone so much more important than himself that is suffering right now because Luhan is too weak to remember.
When Wufan realizes that the male before him has collapsed into a fit of confused tears, he does his best to hide his smirk, "What's the matter, Xiao Lu?"
The young man is shivering in a way that seems unnatural, before he quietly whispers, "Wufan, whatever you've taken from me, give it back. I'll do anything for it. I'll sign whatever hellish contract you've prepared. Just give it back to me."
Wufan has to restrain himself from laughing at the pathetic scene before him.
"A deal's a deal. And you know how much fun I think that deals are."
Luhan nods slowly but doesn't hesitate to sign away what little remains of his destiny to the bastardly man in a suit worn to only mock an occasion that Luhan feels he doesn't remember.
---
It all comes back as soon as Luhan signs away what little eternity he has left. It takes only seconds for him to break down once more, and only less time for Wufan to remind him of the conditions of Yixing's contract once more: once the young man acknowledges the feelings of true love, he will dissipate from the existence of the world; no one will remember him, and he will be forced to suffer through the most fiery ring of Hell; when his true love finally makes an ascension to Heaven, Yixing's soul will be purified as well.
Luhan's not stupid. The only option to save his friend is clear. And though he feels a small piece of remorse, at the idea of having to kill such a young woman when her life was still only beginning, he knows that it is something that must be done. Besides, it's not like she'll have to suffer: he'll ensure that her death is quick and painless.
And Luhan has clearly done worse throughout the duration of his life. More blood on his hands surely wouldn't make much of a difference.
---
When the deed is done, Luhan hurries to wait in an in-between of realms that he so childishly referred to as Neverland. He rationalizes that his friend will have to pass through the gate in order to make the proper transition from Hell to Heaven, and even though he knows that he will never see him again once he passes, it would be a shame not being able to say goodbye.
(A piece of him still hopes that Yixing will reject Heaven and somehow find a way to go back to Earth with Luhan, that he'll get over whatever fear he has of their being together and just accept the love that Luhan has to offer him because he's sure that he can give him a lot. The notion is unlikely, but Luhan is still too immature to stop himself from hoping despite the fact that his hopes never really seem to get him anywhere.)
He waits for ages.
Yixing never comes.
Luhan never leaves.
---
After what feels like centuries and centuries of pointless waiting, someone finally comes to visit the young man, though it certainly isn't the person that he's been waiting to see.
There is a groan of annoyance, before the low drawl echoes throughout the empty space once more, "They really weren't kidding when they told me that there's been an idiot sitting here for the longest time. I probably should've guessed that it would've been you, but I had thought you were intelligent enough to see that my game has already run its course."
Luhan blinks, and a part of soul sinks at the man's words, "Wufan, what do you mean?"
"You have Yixing's true love all wrong. You killed the wrong person, idiot."
The words make Luhan spin to face the taller male with a look of incredulous shock written all across his features, "What the hell do you mean?"
"Yixing never loved that girl. What he had for her was an obsession and a desire to purify his sins. You know how religious the guy was. It shouldn't be that much of a surprise."
"But he... But what sin could Yixing possibly have?"
"The greatest taboo of Christianity itself: he fell in love with another man. You, to be exact."
Luhan feels whatever is left of his heart shatter into millions of pieces on the filthy ground below him. "That doesn't make sense. I don't even know why I still listen to you."
"The heart knows better than the mind. Logic flaws all emotion. His soul was screaming for you, but a love between the two of you breaks every law that he grew up learning. In Yixing's case, logic was too irresistible to ignore. I suppose it was his downfall."
There is a sensation of infinite spinning that has decidedly taken over Luhan's vision, and suddenly every color is fading into nothing but white. "N-No. Yixing wouldn't. He couldn't." He feels himself fall to the floor, that all too familiar aching in his chest consuming what little is left of his soul.
Wufan does nothing but roll his eyes out of annoyance. "I really imagined that this game would have been more entertaining. I don't know what's more repulsive: your petty persistence or the love that you two shared."
He leaves Luhan in that empty space named after a place that was supposed to promise him eternity, whimpering and whispering for a man that is never going to come.
---
Even though he knows that it's pointless, Luhan does everything in his power to kill himself. But no matter how many weapons he uses, how many drugs he takes, how old he uses his power to become-he doesn't die.
In an ignorant decision of nothing but stupidity, he had agreed to sell his fate-the one thing that he had had some control of-back to the Devil himself. And the Devil is too heartless to take pity on a man who made one too many deals with Hell's flames.
Luhan is lost. Helpless.
There is a piece of him missing that he'll never get back, and he can no longer cry because he knows that he is beyond death. The last bit of his mortality has been sucked from his soul, murdered in cold blood at the hands of useless logic and ignorant refusal. A piece of him has died while the part that is living has become a blank sheet of paper, the worthless ground at a burial. And dirt doesn't weep at a funeral just as we, ourselves, remain dry-eyed in a motionless shell within our own casket.
---
Author's Note: In all honesty, I'm a bit bummed with how this turned out. In my head, the story was so much more epic, and I feel like I wasn't able to properly capture the epicness when I wrote it out. Serves me right for procrastinating though. Writing is one of those things you just can't rush. *le sigh* Either way, I really hope that you all enjoyed reading this! Comments are definitely appreciated. c:
***I have to send some thanks to timingspaces for proofing this for me and some love to ukexing as well for cheering me up all the time when I was really close to giving up on this story. I don't know what I would do without you guys. ;3; If you enjoyed this entry, I'd really appreciate it if you voted for me as well. c:
edit: asdfghjkl; i'm incredibly honored to have won third place with this entry / wrote an extended continuation of this fic from yixing's perspective. click here to check it out!
Pairing: layhan
Genre: friendship/romance
Rating: PG-13
Length: one-shot; ~12,000 words
Summary: While Yixing worries for his future, Luhan laments the past. Because as they dive into a world of memories, it becomes evident that one clings desperately to the broken shards of glass, while all the other can do is try to gather what remains of the pieces.
{entry for challenge #09 at aideshou}
part one
A few decades later, the duo meet a pair of friends somewhere in Berlin. They're surprised to hear someone speaking in the native tongue that the two hadn't been exposed to for years, and they're both quick to introduce themselves to the sudden burst of familiarity.
"Huang Zitao," the Chinese man says, "And this is my friend, Oh Sehun."
The slightly shorter boy whispers an embarrassed greeting, shyly hiding behind his taller friend.
Yixing thinks that their friendship is cute, but Luhan is wise enough to know that their relationship extends to something far more intimate than a simple friendship.
Even though it's not something that he has been exposed to regularly, he still thinks it's cute.
It doesn't take long for Yixing to figure this out for himself, but his reaction is something that is the complete opposite of Luhan's.
"That's so... unnatural," he whispers to the other, nose crinkled in faint disgust. "It looks so wrong. They're breaking every law of nature."
His words affect Luhan in a way that neither of them expect. "Why do you say that? Love is love. Physical appearances shouldn't matter. Don't you agree?" When Yixing slowly nods his head, Luhan is quick to continue, "And gender is technically something categorized as physical, since we have no conscious control over it. Just let them be."
Yixing says nothing-perhaps in order to evade getting on his elder's bad side-but Luhan is still disappointed upon noticing that Yixing begins to treat the other two males differently.
While Zitao and Sehun have offered them free lodging for months now, Yixing has always received the two younger men warmly: smile wide on his face, eyes glistening in delight, and arms spread in welcome. But his former kindness is quickly replaced with hesitation and doubt-in fact, Luhan finds that his longtime friend sometimes goes out of his way to avoid even coming into contact with the couple.
Though it would make sense if he simply took Yixing's behavioral change in stride-perhaps even subconsciously adopting the same attitude towards the younger men-he finds himself unable to do so. In fact, Luhan actually finds himself angry that his friend is being so judgmental. A part of him rationalizes that this is something to be expected: Yixing had always seemed to be a religious fellow (despite the fact that he was a recent convert) back when they had first met. Perhaps that side of him is something that never changed (for, although he never choses to comment on it, it is impossible to not wake up when Yixing does at the crack of dawn every Sunday morning to stumble his way into a church).
But in Luhan's case, the more rational part of him always tends to be a miniscule component in his overall thought process.
In all reality, it's difficult for him to understand why Yixing is so disgusted by the love that the two boys share. Is it really that wrong for two men to have such feelings for one another? Are such feelings so taboo that they could permanently ruin the perceptions of others?
Luhan isn't sure why it concerns him so much. And despite the fact that he and Yixing have always been incredibly honest with one another regarding their thoughts and have never previously hesitated to ask the other any question no matter what the subject, the older male suddenly finds that he can't find the proper words to do so. Suddenly, his former reputation of having a flawless way with words has disappeared, vanishing into thin air along with a vast amount of his confidence. Without warning, a small wave of discomfort washes over his being whenever he makes contact with his younger companion; a strange feeling of anxiousness overtakes his mind even when they do something as innocent as holding hands.
Luhan doesn't know where the feelings are coming from. And the fact that some part of him knows that discussing the matter with Yixing would only make everything worse doesn't help at all.
---
When Luhan and Yixing return to the house of the two younger men, they are surprised to find it nearly destroyed and their two companions nowhere to be found.
After asking around, they are forced to come to terms with horrible news: it has been ordered that the two be sent to a "concentration camp" of sorts.
It doesn't take long for the weight of those words to settle within the hearts of both Luhan and Yixing.
They quickly take their leave from the area underneath a cloak of stars, and Luhan is still in a state of shock regarding the whole matter. He debates whether or not he should ask Yixing for his thoughts about it all, but he decides not to.
He finds that he's afraid to hear the answer.
---
"I'm tired, Lu."
"You can't possibly be as tired as I am. You can go ages without sleep. I can barely survive a day."
"No, not that kind of tired. It's not the kind of tired you can fix by simply sleeping."
"What on Earth are you talking about?"
Yixing sighs and rakes a hand through auburn locks. "I'm beginning to become tired of this life that we live. I want to... I think it's almost my time."
The words startle Luhan enough to make him whip his head towards the youngster with wide eyes. "That doesn't make any sense. You can't die. You don't have a time. You're going to live forever, remember?" With me. You're going to live forever with me.
"I have the option of living for forever," Yixing corrects with a calmness that sends the older man's mind into a frenzy. "But I think... What's the point in living for forever? We're forced to watch thousands and thousands-maybe even millions-of people that we know suffer and die. We have to watch them get old and lose their inspiration until they finally succumb to the greedy hands of death. But while they're forced to endure such pain, the sensation is something that either of us barely remember. While they desperately cling to every second of their short lives, we throw away hours and hours because we have all the hours in the world to spare. We're cheating everything that is natural in the world for selfish reasons, and it's unfair. I don't want to do it anymore."
No matter how hard Luhan tries, he finds that he is unable to form the correct words to respond. There is a feeling in his chest that is slowly expanding throughout his entire being, consuming all of his warmth, and it scares him. The idea that Yixing, his best and only friend in the world, is having such thoughts sends his mind racing without direction.
And everything hurts.
But he can't tell Yixing that.
"You still have me, you know," he quietly whispers.
There is a short silence as Yixing's thoughtful eyes bore into his own frightened ones. And what frightens Luhan is the sudden realization that he can no longer tell what the other is thinking; instead of a synchronized thought process, he's scared to come to the conclusion that somewhere between here and there, a piece of their relationship has been forsaken. He's scared that it's something that they can never get back, because for centuries now, all they've been doing is wandering and forgetting, and perhaps this precious part of their friendship is just another one of those things destined to be forgotten.
What frightens Luhan is that he's losing him.
"I know, Lu. I know."
---
Things slowly fall back into their former routine, though it would be a lie to say that the two fell back into their harmonized rhythm.
Somehow, in their avoidance of the West and their goal to go anywhere that wasn't home (because home is something that's far too familiar for either of their tastes despite the fact that they haven't visited the country in ages), the two end up in the bustling city of Seoul on the Korean peninsula. It had been Luhan's idea and, although he was incredibly proud of it for a while, it isn't long before he regrets ever coming up with the suggestion.
Because during one of their pranks on civilization, Yixing meets her: a beloved songstress adored by not only Korean citizens, but by an international audience as well. She's softhearted with a gentle smile that looks as fragile as a blooming rose, and a heart that's big enough to enwrap the entire world in a warm embrace. Her voice has the pitch of an angel's with the power of a goddess' and it's enough to make everyone stop and listen whenever her caring timbre echoes throughout the air.
And when Yixing meets her as he and Luhan exit a building under the name 'SM' with the idea that maybe being superstars for a while would be fun, it's as though his entire existence is put on pause because all that he sees is her, her, her, her, her-and suddenly Luhan means nothing. And this girl, this woman, seems to feel the weight of his gaze on her because she turns to him with rosy cheeks and smiles.
Luhan finds the expression on the woman to be disgusting, but Yixing considers the moment to be a masterpiece.
Soon enough, the false dream of singing and dancing to their heart's content is thrown out the window. Because, although Luhan is still intrigued by the idea of fame, Yixing has lost all interest in it. Suddenly, "what ifs?" and hushed whispers become nothing in his world-all that matters is her, her, her, her, her. How she smells, how she laughs, what she likes, what she hates. His world is focused on nothing but her and Luhan doesn't know how to fix it because he no longer knows how to speak. Somewhere between Tao and Sehun, and this new, nameless woman, Luhan has lost all of his coherency. It's nonexistent now, as is his will to share each and every one of his thoughts with his longtime comrade because what used to come so naturally to him now feels like something that can prove to be detrimental to their already brittle relationship. Their bond is shattering at a rate that is much too fast for him to handle, and what tortures him most is the fact that it seems like Yixing is oblivious to the entire thing.
Why doesn't he care? What's happened to their friendship? When did their bond become nothing more than a figment of Luhan's imagination?
---
A few months later, Yixing comes home with this giant smile on his face and the news that she said yes.
Luhan is unable to come to terms with the meaning of his words and can do nothing but blink in confusion.
But soon enough, the weight of his words comes tumbling down to crash into whatever piece of reality that Luhan was still holding on to. Because she said yes and now Yixing is getting married.
And in Yixing's case, marriage is the equivalent to a fate worse than death.
Despite the fact that Luhan suddenly can't see straight, he manages a forced smile and a faint "Congratulations, Xing." But the younger man doesn't even seem to hear his words as he runs to the balcony of their shared apartment and unleashes a happy shout that is filled with a joy that Luhan hasn't heard in a long time.
While Yixing is still excitedly celebrating his engagement, Luhan slips under the covers of a bed that feels much too spacious and much too cold. He doesn't understand why his comrade is so accepting of his coming damnation; why he can rejoice and smile like it's the happiest moment in his life because he basically just wrote away his life. And even though he had technically done that centuries ago, he always had the option to refrain from losing himself to a world full of nothing but flames. So why is he rushing into it? Why is he so eager to leave the world of the living in order to experience a single night with a woman who has no idea that she has just caught herself up in a web of dark magic?
Does he remember? He has to remember. There's too much at stake for him to not remember.
So why doesn't he care?
And why does Luhan's chest feel like it's ripping itself open with poisoned talons that laugh at his unnamed suffering? Why is it that it suddenly feels like his entire world is slowly collapsing in on itself, like whatever light that somehow managed to remain lit for his sake has suddenly flickered out as though it had never even shone in the first place, like he's trapped in a frigid blizzard with no means of escaping because there is no one left to save him?
Luhan is shaking desperately underneath the layers and layers of blankets due to the absence of a familiar warmth.
And no, those surely aren't tears that are dripping down his childish features because crying definitely wouldn't solve anything. He isn't sad. That would be silly. No, no, Luhan is full of nothing but joy for his friend. Because it would be stupid for him to be upset when Yixing can't stop smiling. That would make him selfish. And Luhan already knows from past experience that selfishness does nothing but ruin everything.
Luhan isn't crying because he's sad or because he just needs to cry.
He's just very cold. That's all.
---
"What are you doing, Lu?" came a soft chuckle into the shell of the other's ear. "You've been latched onto me for what feels like forever now. If you don't let go of me soon, I'm going to be late for my own wedding. And what kind of image would that portray?"
When the older man only grips the tailored suit of the groom tighter, Yixing begins to become worried. "Lu, what's the matter?"
Luhan's mind reels with millions of words in countless languages that could possibly explain what the matter is, but he finds that none of them will be of any use because words are useless. None of them will have the desired effect because none of them are powerful enough to showcase the feelings of his very soul; words are just words and nothing more.
He pulls away from the embrace to stare heavily into the eyes across from his: eyes that used to reflect his very being but now seem glazed over with a sort of mundane joy that Luhan doesn't think should be possible. He desperately tries to find a trace of himself within the eyes of the other, but there is nothing. There is absolutely nothing in them that Luhan can confidently say he recognizes, and it twists his heart in a way that is so painful he collapses.
Because why doesn't Yixing understand? Why doesn't Yixing understand now when it's incredibly important for him to understand? Why is it that when Luhan truly needs him to be able to read his mind, the other seems to have no intentions of doing so?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
"Luhan. Luhan, seriously. What's wrong?"
And that's when the older male finally cries, sobbing on the church's newly waxed floor as he desperately tries to think of some way to explain himself even though doing so seems impossible. A faint part of him feels embarrassed for his childish actions, but a large part of him feels a horrible amount of disgust in himself because he knows the words that he has to say, but he also knows that saying them out loud would forever break apart the thinning string that connected him to Yixing. And at this point, it is these scraps of useless cloth that are the only things tethering Luhan to his sanity-however minuscule they may be.
"Please don't do this, Xing. You know that doing this will take you away for forever. You don't deserve that, Xing. You're too good for such a fate."
They're the wrong words. And Luhan knows this, but he's still too scared to say the right ones.
"It's okay, Lu. I'll be alright. Besides, a couple of decades in Hell won't break me. And what are a couple of decades to an eventual eternity in Heaven?" he responds softly. "You know better than I do that time doesn't really mean much. There's no need to worry. I'll be alright."
"But I won't be," the older murmurs, and Yixing is almost sure that he heard him wrong until the elder continues, "Yixing, what am I going to do without you?"
The surprised expression on Yixing's face speaks volumes.
"Because when you leave, I'll be alone. I'll be all by myself again and I won't even be able to remember what it's like to have someone by my side every day and every night because you would've faded from history's memory. I'll be so lost. I'll have nowhere to go. And then there'll be no more point in my living because..." Because how much is life truly worth without the person you love?
It is clear that the younger man isn't sure how to react, but he slowly kneels down onto the floor of the church himself to embrace his friend one more time. "You'll be okay, Lu. You don't need me. You'll be okay. Tomorrow you won't even remember that I ever existed."
And it is these words that cause Luhan to sob even harder than he had been doing before because Yixing still doesn't understand and he's running out of ways to make him do so. The invisible clock keeps on ticking and it hurts because he's still so scared to admit to something that he knows could possibly ruin their last moments together; he only has one hope for something that'll make Yixing change his mind, but that hope is so dim that he's sure it won't work. He doesn't see the point in trying.
But when he looks up at Yixing again, it looks as though something has changed in his eyes as the younger man quietly asks, "What else are you not telling me?"
The hesitation continues on Luhan's part.
Seconds full of nothing but silence quickly turn into minutes and then Yixing sighs because it seems like Luhan is being nothing short of ridiculously selfish (which is probably true), and that scares Luhan even more because nothing would be worse than Yixing walking away from him and towards that altar without having to hear what he has to say.
But words are scary, horrifying things that Luhan continues to wish didn't exist because it seems like they do nothing but make his existence so much more complicated than it has to be.
And it angers him.
His mind is continuing to race, continuing to string fragments of syllables together to form the perfect response without including those dreaded three words that he knows he has to include to make sense, but it keeps failing. And the stress of it all just makes Luhan cry harder which stings a piece of Yixing that he is insistent no longer exists.
So when the wedding bells begin to chime signaling that the wedding is to start in a matter of seconds, Luhan gives up on thinking.
He closes the short distance between his lips and Yixing's, and for a moment, nothing else matters. Because in that moment, everything that has been building up inside of him is suddenly transferred to the other; everything that he had wanted to say but couldn't is being thrown out there in a way that is impossible to ignore; every piece of his soul is reawakened inside the other's being because it's been there the whole time but buried underneath the fabric of a time that never should've passed on so quickly.
Luhan should be experienced enough with time itself to be able to come to terms with the fact that the moment lasted for only a few mere seconds despite the feeling that it could've lasted an eternity. But when Yixing gently pushes at his chest and separates from the elder's embrace, Luhan finds that whatever he used to know, whatever logic that had made sense at one point in his life has faded from his memory. When Yixing quickly avoids Luhan's gaze and quietly whispers, "No, Luhan. You know I can't," something cracks inside the older man.
He was right to believe that hoping would do him no good. Nothing ever really did Luhan good at all. It was too late for that.
---
The next day, Luhan wakes up in a bare apartment that is much too cold for his liking and a feeling in his chest that feels vaguely like emptiness, but that would be silly because chests aren't meant to feel empty. He has a ridiculously painful headache, and he finds himself calling for a nonexistent friend to bring him a bottle of painkiller and a glass of water.
He's gone insane. Truly.
Still, there is a strange feeling of loss in the pit of his being, and when he sits up to get the medicine for himself, he almost staggers back when he sees another identical bed next to his own.
It doesn't make much sense because Luhan's been alone for as long as he can remember. But when he tentatively moves to stroke a pillow that looks like it has never been touched in the duration of his existence, his heart lurches in his chest and his mind is sent reeling.
For some reason, he finds himself sobbing which is absolutely ridiculous because Luhan is an angel of death, and such messengers aren't meant to cry. That would be stupid.
---
"I haven't seen you in a couple of centuries."
"What are you talking about?" Luhan mutters, eyes puffy, throat raw, and with a ridiculously painful emptiness in his chest that doesn't seem to go away no matter how much he wishes it to. "I came here yesterday. I come here every day."
"And where is here exactly? Neverland?"
There's something about the name that touches a nerve in the back of Luhan's mind, signaling memories of childish laughter and stars and holding hands, and it does nothing but anger him further because he doesn't know what any of it means. "What the hell are you talking about, Wufan?"
The man acts stunned for a moment, but the expression across his features looks too practiced to be mistaken as something genuine, and Luhan isn't stupid enough to believe his falsities for a second. "Oh, that's right. I had nearly forgotten that the wedding was yesterday."
"Wedding?"
Wufan's laugh makes Luhan flinch.
"Poor Lu doesn't seem to be able to remember a thing."
It is the mention of memories that seems to strike a chord within the young man as he quietly whispers, "What do you mean?"
"It wouldn't be any fun if I told you. And I've been bored for ages, so I think that I deserve this sliver of entertainment."
And even though he knows that the heart within his chest is anything but a good one, Luhan still finds it beating faster and faster the longer he stares at the Devil before him. "You're not making any sense, Wufan. This isn't a game. What did you do to me?"
"I didn't do anything. It's too bad that you can't remember who did. Though I'm sure that even if you were somehow able to recall his name, you wouldn't feel any anger at all. After all, your dear Xing did mean the world to you."
"X-Xing?"
"Why, yes. Zhang Yixing," the man drawls, "Ring a bell? I doubt it."
But contrary to Wufan's thoughts, the name is enough to ring more than a bell. The simple three syllables are enough to send recollections of a dimpled cheek and auburn hair and a man that is everything that Luhan is but not at the same time through his mind. But he finds that they are all jumbled fragments: pieces of a puzzle that don't fit together because the most important pieces have been lost to some sort of sorcery that doesn't have any true explanation other than the man before him. And the realization of all this sends Luhan stumbling to the ground because he knows that there's someone so much more important than himself that is suffering right now because Luhan is too weak to remember.
When Wufan realizes that the male before him has collapsed into a fit of confused tears, he does his best to hide his smirk, "What's the matter, Xiao Lu?"
The young man is shivering in a way that seems unnatural, before he quietly whispers, "Wufan, whatever you've taken from me, give it back. I'll do anything for it. I'll sign whatever hellish contract you've prepared. Just give it back to me."
Wufan has to restrain himself from laughing at the pathetic scene before him.
"A deal's a deal. And you know how much fun I think that deals are."
Luhan nods slowly but doesn't hesitate to sign away what little remains of his destiny to the bastardly man in a suit worn to only mock an occasion that Luhan feels he doesn't remember.
---
It all comes back as soon as Luhan signs away what little eternity he has left. It takes only seconds for him to break down once more, and only less time for Wufan to remind him of the conditions of Yixing's contract once more: once the young man acknowledges the feelings of true love, he will dissipate from the existence of the world; no one will remember him, and he will be forced to suffer through the most fiery ring of Hell; when his true love finally makes an ascension to Heaven, Yixing's soul will be purified as well.
Luhan's not stupid. The only option to save his friend is clear. And though he feels a small piece of remorse, at the idea of having to kill such a young woman when her life was still only beginning, he knows that it is something that must be done. Besides, it's not like she'll have to suffer: he'll ensure that her death is quick and painless.
And Luhan has clearly done worse throughout the duration of his life. More blood on his hands surely wouldn't make much of a difference.
---
When the deed is done, Luhan hurries to wait in an in-between of realms that he so childishly referred to as Neverland. He rationalizes that his friend will have to pass through the gate in order to make the proper transition from Hell to Heaven, and even though he knows that he will never see him again once he passes, it would be a shame not being able to say goodbye.
(A piece of him still hopes that Yixing will reject Heaven and somehow find a way to go back to Earth with Luhan, that he'll get over whatever fear he has of their being together and just accept the love that Luhan has to offer him because he's sure that he can give him a lot. The notion is unlikely, but Luhan is still too immature to stop himself from hoping despite the fact that his hopes never really seem to get him anywhere.)
He waits for ages.
Yixing never comes.
Luhan never leaves.
---
After what feels like centuries and centuries of pointless waiting, someone finally comes to visit the young man, though it certainly isn't the person that he's been waiting to see.
There is a groan of annoyance, before the low drawl echoes throughout the empty space once more, "They really weren't kidding when they told me that there's been an idiot sitting here for the longest time. I probably should've guessed that it would've been you, but I had thought you were intelligent enough to see that my game has already run its course."
Luhan blinks, and a part of soul sinks at the man's words, "Wufan, what do you mean?"
"You have Yixing's true love all wrong. You killed the wrong person, idiot."
The words make Luhan spin to face the taller male with a look of incredulous shock written all across his features, "What the hell do you mean?"
"Yixing never loved that girl. What he had for her was an obsession and a desire to purify his sins. You know how religious the guy was. It shouldn't be that much of a surprise."
"But he... But what sin could Yixing possibly have?"
"The greatest taboo of Christianity itself: he fell in love with another man. You, to be exact."
Luhan feels whatever is left of his heart shatter into millions of pieces on the filthy ground below him. "That doesn't make sense. I don't even know why I still listen to you."
"The heart knows better than the mind. Logic flaws all emotion. His soul was screaming for you, but a love between the two of you breaks every law that he grew up learning. In Yixing's case, logic was too irresistible to ignore. I suppose it was his downfall."
There is a sensation of infinite spinning that has decidedly taken over Luhan's vision, and suddenly every color is fading into nothing but white. "N-No. Yixing wouldn't. He couldn't." He feels himself fall to the floor, that all too familiar aching in his chest consuming what little is left of his soul.
Wufan does nothing but roll his eyes out of annoyance. "I really imagined that this game would have been more entertaining. I don't know what's more repulsive: your petty persistence or the love that you two shared."
He leaves Luhan in that empty space named after a place that was supposed to promise him eternity, whimpering and whispering for a man that is never going to come.
---
Even though he knows that it's pointless, Luhan does everything in his power to kill himself. But no matter how many weapons he uses, how many drugs he takes, how old he uses his power to become-he doesn't die.
In an ignorant decision of nothing but stupidity, he had agreed to sell his fate-the one thing that he had had some control of-back to the Devil himself. And the Devil is too heartless to take pity on a man who made one too many deals with Hell's flames.
Luhan is lost. Helpless.
There is a piece of him missing that he'll never get back, and he can no longer cry because he knows that he is beyond death. The last bit of his mortality has been sucked from his soul, murdered in cold blood at the hands of useless logic and ignorant refusal. A piece of him has died while the part that is living has become a blank sheet of paper, the worthless ground at a burial. And dirt doesn't weep at a funeral just as we, ourselves, remain dry-eyed in a motionless shell within our own casket.
---
Author's Note: In all honesty, I'm a bit bummed with how this turned out. In my head, the story was so much more epic, and I feel like I wasn't able to properly capture the epicness when I wrote it out. Serves me right for procrastinating though. Writing is one of those things you just can't rush. *le sigh* Either way, I really hope that you all enjoyed reading this! Comments are definitely appreciated. c:
***I have to send some thanks to timingspaces for proofing this for me and some love to ukexing as well for cheering me up all the time when I was really close to giving up on this story. I don't know what I would do without you guys. ;3; If you enjoyed this entry, I'd really appreciate it if you voted for me as well. c:
edit: asdfghjkl; i'm incredibly honored to have won third place with this entry / wrote an extended continuation of this fic from yixing's perspective. click here to check it out!