Series 7/12: Matt is, Mohinder isn't
Title: Have You Met My Ex-Wife?
Series Title(s): The ‘Matt is, Mohinder isn’t’ Series; Section Three: Denial, or Not a River at All
Author: JLB
Rating: Still PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. What’s the fun in originality?
Notes: There’s some serious Mohinder-angst, combined with a lot of inner Mohinder-dialogue and emotional Mohinder-turmoil. Be prepared for a little lethargy.
There are parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Mohinder’s POV
I was flipping the scrambled eggs, when Matt’s arm brushed against mine. Our eyes caught for a little longer than necessary. He was smiling and freshly shaven. I couldn’t decide whether to look at his eyes or his dimples.
So I looked back at the eggs.
I’ve been in a lot of strange relationships before. Some of them have been down right dangerous, as I seem to attract a megalomaniac personality. I had an affair once, when I was a new lecturer in Chennai. With an unhappily married woman, who was twelve years my senior and tenured as a Biology professor at the University. Even my most normal relationship, by nearly all standards, with Mira, was strangely off-putting.
But the fledgling relationship I’d been developing with Matt was by far the strangest. New levels of awkwardness seemed to leak into previously mundane situations. Like, looking at each other in the morning, while making breakfast. There is a new knowledge between us. And the strangeness was that no normal rules about relationships applied here at all. We didn’t go out to the movies, come home, and then wonder when we could get together again. We didn’t go out at all. We didn’t date. We were together all the time. There were just undefined periods when we were allowed to be like a dating couple, then reformed to roommate/parent status.
“Can you hand me the pepper?” He said, avoiding my eyes, suddenly the roommate, not the smiling, clean-smelling man I just made out with last night.
I slapped the peppershaker in his hand, feeling his arms and hands walk away from me. I wanted to reach out and touch him. But just because we looked like a married couple, it didn’t mean we were that close yet. It didn’t mean we were allowed to touch each other whenever we wanted.
Matt and I were at a strange, indefinable place. We’d only half admitted to thinking about being in love. Yet there we were, living in the same house, not wanting to rush things sexually, awkwardly departing for our individual beds at night, which were no more than twenty feet away. We didn’t really have a refuge from each other if we had a disagreement or if something went wrong. And, of course, the fact that no matter what would come of our relationship, we’d both still have to take care of Molly. And we knew all this without even having seen each other naked.
It didn’t seem particularly fair that we had all the stress and complication of a long-term, family relationship, totally bypassing the fun of dating.
I was also concerned about the fact that Matt had never been with a man before. I felt awkwardly responsible, like I had to break him into homosexuality. But considering we were already raising a child together, and the fact that the last man I slept with turned out to be a murdering psychopath, I didn’t feel particularly equipped to do so. It was just another factor contributing to the stagnation.
I put the pan of eggs on the table, as Molly put the ketchup on the table. I couldn’t help but frown a little. Both Matt and Molly ate their eggs with ketchup and I didn’t understand it all. I emptied a small bowl of chilies on my plate and scooped a spatula full of eggs on top of them.
“So what’s the plan, Molly-doll? What are we doing today?” Matt asked. He asked this every Saturday. And every Saturday, whatever plans they made, it always resulted in all of us, sitting on the couch, watching a rented movie at the end of the day. It was becoming familiar and welcome.
“I think we should make banana splits tonight,” Molly said, squeezing ketchup onto her plate.
“After a movie perhaps?” He asked with a grin.
“High School Musical” she shouted immediately.
Matt and I flinched just as immediately. We’d already seen it more than once. Maybe it was telling of my patience, but I couldn’t just stand to sit through that trite crap one more time. Something terrible might happen.
“Uhh, why don’t we just pick something out at the place,” he said with an easy smile.
Later on in the day, after a little homework, some television, a trip to the store, there was a knock at the door. The prospect of unexpected visitors had made me nervous lately. I was actually a little relieved that Molly and Matt were gone again, renting a movie from the video store. Through the peephole there was a tall dark-haired woman in a sort of casual business suit. I felt only slightly better that the visitor herself looked nervous.
“Who is it?” I said from behind the door.
“It’s, um, Janice Williams.” I’d never heard of her, but now that she knew I was inside, I didn’t know what to say. After a few seconds she said, “I’m, uh-This is where Matthew Parkman lives, right?”
At first I nodded, then remembered to speak, “Yes.” Then I remembered Janice. Janice was the name of Matt’s wife. I unhooked the chain.
“I’m…” She cleared her voice a little awkwardly when I opened the door. “I’m Matt’s ex-wife.”
I nodded, but remained blocking the doorway. “I just recognized the name.”
“You must be Dr. Suresh,” she said with a tight smile.
I nodded, still unable to move.
“Is Matt here?” she asked, peeking over my shoulder. It kind of made me angry. I had a burning, negative feeling at her presence. I was also angry about the fact that she could look over my shoulder. She was wearing heels that made her a couple of inches taller than me.
“No,” I said, remembering myself and stepping out of the way to let her in, immediately regretting that I did. But I had to. I couldn’t turn away Matt’s ex-wife.
“He went to the video store with Molly,” I added, as she stepped inside surveying the place.
Her nose crinkled a little in disapproval that she couldn’t hide at the battered walls. And I suddenly felt a very violent dislike of her. Even though I’d tend to agree that the apartment was an ugly, poorly maintained, cold, small and in many other ways inadequate pile of shit, it was my flat. And I refused to be embarrassed in front of her.
As she took an opportunity to look quickly around the rest of the house, I tried to check the feeling of anger rising in my chest. Why was she here? Matt hadn’t said anything about this and I thought he might have mentioned if his ex-wife, with whom he’d had a terrible break up, was visiting. I was surprised, but I didn’t need to be angry. I certainly couldn’t have expected every aspect of Matt’s life before he moved to New York to never pop back in his life again.
And there was certainly no reason to feel jealous.
I mean, they were divorced. It’s not like Matt would go running back to her. Sure, they had been married for years and she knew him far better than I did. And he was probably more comfortable and familiar with her. And he still had feelings for her. Was maybe even still in love with her…
“What are you doing here?” I asked hastily. My face felt hot. I couldn’t believe I’d actually said that out loud. I added, trying to sound less petulant, “I-uh-I mean… what are you doing here?”
And failing pretty spectacularly at it.
For her part, she looked both intimidated and offended. I felt bad. I would’ve felt the same way.
“I’m sorry,” I offered. “It’s just a little surprised. Matt didn’t say you were coming.”
“He really doesn’t know I’m even here. They sent me here for work. I thought it would be a good chance to clear the air with Matt.” She kind of awkwardly fingered the top of her purse. “Trying to make amends for the way things ended.”
My gut tightened uncomfortably and it felt like stones were being piled on my chest. She wanted to make up? If she wanted to reconcile… would Matt?
“Oh, um… Well, I’m…”
Had Matt even talked to Janice since he got out of the hospital? Did she know… Did she know about Molly? Did Matt tell her about-Inside my head, I was yelling at myself for thinking that way. Matt didn’t have any obligation to me. It would be foolish to assume that he would’ve mentioned anything to anyone about me, let alone to his ex-wife. The only obligations he had in New York were to Molly and his job.
“I just-We both needed some time away from each other before we could talk about it.”
And the stones were piling higher on my chest.
Like a beautiful orchestral sound, the door opened and I heard Molly and Matt’s laughter. The completely horrible awkwardness was still caught in my throat, but it felt less oppressive than before. Both Janice and I looked at Matt at the same time. His smile slowly slid off his face as his eyes focused in on Janice.
“Mohinder, we saw a-“ Molly started but didn’t finish as she noticed the tense staring going on between Matt and Janice.
“Hi,” she said, hesitantly holding up a hand.
I looked somewhat pleadingly at Matt, but I might as well have been invisible.
“Mohinder?” Molly asked, looking warily at Janice.
I cleared my throat and walked toward Molly. “Why don’t we got to the park or something, honey?”
“But we just got back. And we got Happy Feet instead.” She looked right at Janice and said, “Who are you?”
Janice let out a half-hearted chuckle, “My name is Janice. I’m Matt’s wi-ex-wife.”
Molly’s face immediately switched from guarded to thoroughly unimpressed. She said, “Oh.” Which got Matt’s attention. He finally tore his gaze away from Janice to see Molly giving him a look as nearly as unimpressed as the one she gave Janice. She handed him the movie and grabbed my hand. Matt looked at me, almost apologetically, but I looked away.
As I was walking out the door, Matt’s voice entered my head, Is something wrong? I couldn’t look at him.
I said, just before I closed the door, “We’ll just get out of your hair.”
It was two walks around the park, a quick stop at a little science museum we’d been to a dozen times before, and an ice cream cone later, Janice still wasn’t gone from the apartment. Molly was rather annoyed by the whole situation, alerting me with a long-suffering sigh every ten minutes that she was still there.
On our third trek around the park Molly sat down under a tree. I sat down next to her.
“I’m tired of people I don’t know coming into our apartment,” Molly confessed, kicking some wood chips around with her foot.
“Me too,” I sighed.
“I don’t like that she hurt Matt’s feelings.”
I nodded slightly, but couldn’t say the words. I felt utterly out of control, like I was out in the middle of a storm. What if Matt went back to his wife? What would that do with his relationship with Molly? Would they want custody of her? A married couple with another child would clearly take precedence over me. How could I move on without Molly?
I shook my head. I was rushing my thoughts. Worrying too much. It was unlikely that Matt would suddenly decide to move back to California with his wife. But reconciliation wasn’t completely out of the question. He still had feelings for her. He was once in love with her. It’s impossible to throw that out of the window so shortly after a relationship. After all, I still had fond feelings for Mira.
But what I was really wondering was whether Matt’s feelings for me were strong enough. Like I had decided earlier, he didn’t have any obligations to me. But it would be nice to think that his “I think I love you” meant something. But I wasn’t kidding anyone.
The odds were against me.
He was married to Janice for years. They’d shared intimate moments that completely out-shadowed the best moments I’d had with Matt. Aside from that, with me, Matt was entering new territory involving sex and sexuality that I wasn’t sure if he even wanted to confront. I didn’t even know if he was prepared for the idea of having sex with a man. Why wouldn’t he want to go back to familiar territory, as it were?
Molly suddenly held my hand, “He won’t cheat on you.”
With my eyebrows somewhere in the vicinity of my hairline, I said, “I’m sorry, what?”
“You know,” she said confidently. “He wasn’t looking at her the way he looks at you. And my friend Michelle says that only cheaters kiss people they’re not supposed to. And Matt wouldn’t kiss her, because that would be cheating.”
I smiled. “Of course. How could I doubt Michelle?”
Molly nodded. “She’s smart about things like that. Her sister has a whole bunch of magazines that explain everything about relationships.”
I could barely suppress a laugh. I was getting advice about romance from my ten-year-old daughter, about her other father, mind you, who was getting bad, second-hand advice from a friend’s sister’s teen magazine. I didn’t think there were many ways it could get stranger.
She bit her lower lip before speaking, “When my mom and dad… You and Matt are together like my Mom and Dad were, aren’t you? I didn’t know, but then I saw you kissing.”
“I-um… M-matt and I-We-“ I stuttered, but found the words missing. How did I explain this whole thing to Molly? That her two dads may not have been exactly what she thought.
“Why don’t you sleep in the same bed though?”
And it just got stranger.
“Uhhm, oh…” I was panicking. What had she meant by that? Certainly she didn’t mean sex. She didn’t know about sex. I thought.
“Cause my Mom told me once that parents sleep in the same bed because they love each other. I couldn’t figure out if you slept in the same bed, like my Mom and Dad did, but you love each other right?”
I finally exhaled. By sleeping she meant… sleeping. I cleared my throat.
“Molly,” I said, putting my arm around her shoulders and pulling her a little closer to me. I swallowed nervously. We’d talked about her parents before, but never so casually. And never in direct comparison to myself and Matthew. “Matt and I don’t have a relationship like your Mom and Dad did. Your Mom and Dad chose to be parents together before they had you. Matthew and I were strangers not too long ago. We like each other very much. And we love you very much, but we’re not like a married couple.”
“I know,” she said exasperatedly. “We’re a special family, but you and Matt still love each other. Right?”
I sighed, “Yes. But-“
“So you shouldn’t worry.”
I looked at her and her confident grin. I was fairly dumbstruck. How did such a child know to say things like that? A little girl, who’d seen more terrible things than most adults, was also more thoughtful than most adults. And there she was trying to make me feel better. I stared at her in shock.
“You shouldn’t worry about Matt kissing his old wife if you and Matt love each other.”
I smiled and kissed the top of her head. “Thank you.”
“No problem,” she said with a bright smile.
I appreciated her trying to make me feel better, but, obviously, she didn’t really understand the reality of the situation. Love didn’t always make everything better. And aside from that, I wasn’t even sure Matt did love me. We were attracted to each other, we were friends, we loved Molly, but… I had a strong desire to be near him, to be in his life, to help him, to protect him. Was that enough love? I knew what Molly would say, but I couldn’t help but feel doubtful about it.
And the doubt didn’t decrease any when Matt called a moment later to tell me he was going to Janice’s hotel to talk further. And that we, Molly and myself, shouldn’t wait to have supper and to go ahead and watch the movie without him.
Before letting go he said, “Mohinder,” haltingly.
“I understand,” I lied. I was just being jealous. Worrying too much. “I’ll see you later.”
I hung up and told Molly that we were going back home and Matt was going to talk to Janice some more. She cringed a little, looking regretful, like she now doubted her previous statements. But maybe I was projecting.
Matt didn’t come back until quarter to eleven. By that time I’d finished with my self-pity and doubt, to go on to regret, rage, fear and rage again. And then started the whole cycle over again before he walked through the door. But I’d refused to call. I didn’t want to seem jealous or needy or pathetic, though I clearly felt all those ways.
Molly and I had had supper and watched the movie and even played a game of Scrabble, before I made her go to bed. She was intensely disappointed that Matt hadn’t come back in time for the movie, because he was much more involved when it came to comedic movie viewing than I. And that’s when I wasn’t distracted by my own emotional paranoia and Matt’s distinctly long absence. I was distracted the whole night, imagining worst-case-scenarios of Matt rushing back in, telling me he and Janice had made up and wasn’t that just great!
I think I was driving myself crazy.
I tried distracting myself with television after Molly went to bed. But the only thing that managed to grab my attention was that the man who used to be on Blackadder was apparently now playing a disgruntled, drug-addicted American doctor. But that didn’t last and it felt like forever until Matt came home.
And when the door finally opened, I couldn’t even bring myself to say anything.
“I’m sorry,” he said, looking sheepish. “I should have come home sooner or called or something. I just lost track of time.” He took off his jacket and walked towards me. “I just needed some time to think about things. Then I looked up at the clock and it was already ten. I hope Molly’s not too-Whoa!”
“Hmm?” I said, trying not to look in any way out of the ordinary.
He looked alarmed and tilted his head to the left slightly, “You’re head is, like, insane right now. What are you-I didn’t…”
I tried as quickly as I could, switching all my thoughts to Tamil, but I wasn’t even aware I had been thinking of things he would pick up on so quickly. I was still too wrapped up in worry.
Matt sat down next to me on the couch, worried looking and looming over me like a concerned, mind-reading bird. I very suddenly wanted to hate him.
“Did you think Janice was trying to make up with me?”
I swallowed nervously, feeling foolish and exposed. I’d never hated his ability as much as I had at that moment. My excessive, worrisome jealousy was something I should have been able to keep to myself.
“Don’t read my mind,” I said angrily.
“Whoa, wait… Mohinder, first of all, she just wanted to see if we could not hate each other. Secondly, why would you even think I’d go back to her?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” I snapped, jumping to my feet, with Matt following me. “You were only married for five years! You still have feelings for her. You were ready to go back to her after she cheated on you, why not now? And to my knowledge, you’ve never even been attracted to a man before. Why in the bloody hell would I think this relationship wouldn’t work?”
As soon as the words left my mouth I wanted to die. Why the hell would I say such a stupid fucking thing? Why would I expose myself like that? Matt and I weren’t even a proper couple. What gave me the right to sound so needy and insecure? I pulled at my own hair, wanting desperately to take it back.
Where was a time traveler when you needed one?
“Mohinder,” he started. My eyes were focused on his feet and I tried to walk around him, not knowing what I was hoping to achieve. He wrapped a hand around my arm and stopped me from moving passed him. “Do you really think we can’t work? Because I just spent the last two hours of a way-too-long confrontation with my ex-wife talking about how much I’m in love with you and Molly. I was under the impression that we were doing okay.”
I finally looked at him. He had a sort of manic smile, but worried eyes. He let his grip slack on my arm and moved his hand to the back of my neck. His hand was heavy and warm, almost burningly so, weighing me down to the spot.
“We are. I don’t know. I just… There are so many things worrying me. Actually having a relationship with you seems so much more complicated than wanting one.”
Matt’s heavy hand on the base of my neck pulled me toward him. He kissed me on the lips, too softly because initiating that type of thing without warning was still too new. His hand dropped to my back and I moved my own hand around his bicep, pulling him toward me. I felt terrible. Despite my doubts, I couldn’t resist him.
He leaned away from me, cupped my face, and kissed me on the forehead.
“Well, no shit, Sherlock,” he said quietly, with a grin forming on his face. “Seriously, when’s the last time you were in a serious relationship?”
My face felt hot. Not just because the answer to the question involved years, but because of the ridiculous amount of jealousy and self-pity I’d been feeling. I stepped away from him.
“Don’t mock me,” I said flatly.
He smiled wider and tightened his grip around my shoulders and waist. “I’m not! I’m not… Most relationships are complicated. Too complicated. That’s normal. That’s life. And I know what you’re feeling because I was feeling the same thing. It’s okay. I expect that from a socially backward science nerd like yourself.”
“Matt,” I said sternly, but couldn’t help from smiling. He’d basically reassured me in the most Matt-like way possible. By making fun of me. It made me feel hopeful and happy I was wrong. I locked my arms around his waist.
“You need to stop so much worrying, Skinny,” he said, wrapping one arm tightly around my shoulders and pulling me tight against him. I let my head rest against the side of his. I felt his jaw line move against my temple. “Mostly because you’re giving me a headache. Partly because your shoulders are too tense. But also because I love you.”
After a few seconds, he added, “Does this mean you feel… otherwise?”
I pushed back from him, “No.” I touched the curve of his jaw line with my thumb. “That’s not what it means. I love you too and I’m glad you told me so.”
“Well,” he started, but I slipped away from him and walked toward my bedroom. He gave me a confused look.
“Why don’t we sleep in the same bed tonight?”
His eyes went wide, his mouth open. He looked like he was about to say something, but then swallowed it. Matt started to smirk as he stepped inside. And I shut the door behind him.
Next Part: A Brief Discussion of Touching
~love from WI (where its snowing like cats and dogs)
JLB
Series Title(s): The ‘Matt is, Mohinder isn’t’ Series; Section Three: Denial, or Not a River at All
Author: JLB
Rating: Still PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. What’s the fun in originality?
Notes: There’s some serious Mohinder-angst, combined with a lot of inner Mohinder-dialogue and emotional Mohinder-turmoil. Be prepared for a little lethargy.
There are parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Mohinder’s POV
I was flipping the scrambled eggs, when Matt’s arm brushed against mine. Our eyes caught for a little longer than necessary. He was smiling and freshly shaven. I couldn’t decide whether to look at his eyes or his dimples.
So I looked back at the eggs.
I’ve been in a lot of strange relationships before. Some of them have been down right dangerous, as I seem to attract a megalomaniac personality. I had an affair once, when I was a new lecturer in Chennai. With an unhappily married woman, who was twelve years my senior and tenured as a Biology professor at the University. Even my most normal relationship, by nearly all standards, with Mira, was strangely off-putting.
But the fledgling relationship I’d been developing with Matt was by far the strangest. New levels of awkwardness seemed to leak into previously mundane situations. Like, looking at each other in the morning, while making breakfast. There is a new knowledge between us. And the strangeness was that no normal rules about relationships applied here at all. We didn’t go out to the movies, come home, and then wonder when we could get together again. We didn’t go out at all. We didn’t date. We were together all the time. There were just undefined periods when we were allowed to be like a dating couple, then reformed to roommate/parent status.
“Can you hand me the pepper?” He said, avoiding my eyes, suddenly the roommate, not the smiling, clean-smelling man I just made out with last night.
I slapped the peppershaker in his hand, feeling his arms and hands walk away from me. I wanted to reach out and touch him. But just because we looked like a married couple, it didn’t mean we were that close yet. It didn’t mean we were allowed to touch each other whenever we wanted.
Matt and I were at a strange, indefinable place. We’d only half admitted to thinking about being in love. Yet there we were, living in the same house, not wanting to rush things sexually, awkwardly departing for our individual beds at night, which were no more than twenty feet away. We didn’t really have a refuge from each other if we had a disagreement or if something went wrong. And, of course, the fact that no matter what would come of our relationship, we’d both still have to take care of Molly. And we knew all this without even having seen each other naked.
It didn’t seem particularly fair that we had all the stress and complication of a long-term, family relationship, totally bypassing the fun of dating.
I was also concerned about the fact that Matt had never been with a man before. I felt awkwardly responsible, like I had to break him into homosexuality. But considering we were already raising a child together, and the fact that the last man I slept with turned out to be a murdering psychopath, I didn’t feel particularly equipped to do so. It was just another factor contributing to the stagnation.
I put the pan of eggs on the table, as Molly put the ketchup on the table. I couldn’t help but frown a little. Both Matt and Molly ate their eggs with ketchup and I didn’t understand it all. I emptied a small bowl of chilies on my plate and scooped a spatula full of eggs on top of them.
“So what’s the plan, Molly-doll? What are we doing today?” Matt asked. He asked this every Saturday. And every Saturday, whatever plans they made, it always resulted in all of us, sitting on the couch, watching a rented movie at the end of the day. It was becoming familiar and welcome.
“I think we should make banana splits tonight,” Molly said, squeezing ketchup onto her plate.
“After a movie perhaps?” He asked with a grin.
“High School Musical” she shouted immediately.
Matt and I flinched just as immediately. We’d already seen it more than once. Maybe it was telling of my patience, but I couldn’t just stand to sit through that trite crap one more time. Something terrible might happen.
“Uhh, why don’t we just pick something out at the place,” he said with an easy smile.
Later on in the day, after a little homework, some television, a trip to the store, there was a knock at the door. The prospect of unexpected visitors had made me nervous lately. I was actually a little relieved that Molly and Matt were gone again, renting a movie from the video store. Through the peephole there was a tall dark-haired woman in a sort of casual business suit. I felt only slightly better that the visitor herself looked nervous.
“Who is it?” I said from behind the door.
“It’s, um, Janice Williams.” I’d never heard of her, but now that she knew I was inside, I didn’t know what to say. After a few seconds she said, “I’m, uh-This is where Matthew Parkman lives, right?”
At first I nodded, then remembered to speak, “Yes.” Then I remembered Janice. Janice was the name of Matt’s wife. I unhooked the chain.
“I’m…” She cleared her voice a little awkwardly when I opened the door. “I’m Matt’s ex-wife.”
I nodded, but remained blocking the doorway. “I just recognized the name.”
“You must be Dr. Suresh,” she said with a tight smile.
I nodded, still unable to move.
“Is Matt here?” she asked, peeking over my shoulder. It kind of made me angry. I had a burning, negative feeling at her presence. I was also angry about the fact that she could look over my shoulder. She was wearing heels that made her a couple of inches taller than me.
“No,” I said, remembering myself and stepping out of the way to let her in, immediately regretting that I did. But I had to. I couldn’t turn away Matt’s ex-wife.
“He went to the video store with Molly,” I added, as she stepped inside surveying the place.
Her nose crinkled a little in disapproval that she couldn’t hide at the battered walls. And I suddenly felt a very violent dislike of her. Even though I’d tend to agree that the apartment was an ugly, poorly maintained, cold, small and in many other ways inadequate pile of shit, it was my flat. And I refused to be embarrassed in front of her.
As she took an opportunity to look quickly around the rest of the house, I tried to check the feeling of anger rising in my chest. Why was she here? Matt hadn’t said anything about this and I thought he might have mentioned if his ex-wife, with whom he’d had a terrible break up, was visiting. I was surprised, but I didn’t need to be angry. I certainly couldn’t have expected every aspect of Matt’s life before he moved to New York to never pop back in his life again.
And there was certainly no reason to feel jealous.
I mean, they were divorced. It’s not like Matt would go running back to her. Sure, they had been married for years and she knew him far better than I did. And he was probably more comfortable and familiar with her. And he still had feelings for her. Was maybe even still in love with her…
“What are you doing here?” I asked hastily. My face felt hot. I couldn’t believe I’d actually said that out loud. I added, trying to sound less petulant, “I-uh-I mean… what are you doing here?”
And failing pretty spectacularly at it.
For her part, she looked both intimidated and offended. I felt bad. I would’ve felt the same way.
“I’m sorry,” I offered. “It’s just a little surprised. Matt didn’t say you were coming.”
“He really doesn’t know I’m even here. They sent me here for work. I thought it would be a good chance to clear the air with Matt.” She kind of awkwardly fingered the top of her purse. “Trying to make amends for the way things ended.”
My gut tightened uncomfortably and it felt like stones were being piled on my chest. She wanted to make up? If she wanted to reconcile… would Matt?
“Oh, um… Well, I’m…”
Had Matt even talked to Janice since he got out of the hospital? Did she know… Did she know about Molly? Did Matt tell her about-Inside my head, I was yelling at myself for thinking that way. Matt didn’t have any obligation to me. It would be foolish to assume that he would’ve mentioned anything to anyone about me, let alone to his ex-wife. The only obligations he had in New York were to Molly and his job.
“I just-We both needed some time away from each other before we could talk about it.”
And the stones were piling higher on my chest.
Like a beautiful orchestral sound, the door opened and I heard Molly and Matt’s laughter. The completely horrible awkwardness was still caught in my throat, but it felt less oppressive than before. Both Janice and I looked at Matt at the same time. His smile slowly slid off his face as his eyes focused in on Janice.
“Mohinder, we saw a-“ Molly started but didn’t finish as she noticed the tense staring going on between Matt and Janice.
“Hi,” she said, hesitantly holding up a hand.
I looked somewhat pleadingly at Matt, but I might as well have been invisible.
“Mohinder?” Molly asked, looking warily at Janice.
I cleared my throat and walked toward Molly. “Why don’t we got to the park or something, honey?”
“But we just got back. And we got Happy Feet instead.” She looked right at Janice and said, “Who are you?”
Janice let out a half-hearted chuckle, “My name is Janice. I’m Matt’s wi-ex-wife.”
Molly’s face immediately switched from guarded to thoroughly unimpressed. She said, “Oh.” Which got Matt’s attention. He finally tore his gaze away from Janice to see Molly giving him a look as nearly as unimpressed as the one she gave Janice. She handed him the movie and grabbed my hand. Matt looked at me, almost apologetically, but I looked away.
As I was walking out the door, Matt’s voice entered my head, Is something wrong? I couldn’t look at him.
I said, just before I closed the door, “We’ll just get out of your hair.”
It was two walks around the park, a quick stop at a little science museum we’d been to a dozen times before, and an ice cream cone later, Janice still wasn’t gone from the apartment. Molly was rather annoyed by the whole situation, alerting me with a long-suffering sigh every ten minutes that she was still there.
On our third trek around the park Molly sat down under a tree. I sat down next to her.
“I’m tired of people I don’t know coming into our apartment,” Molly confessed, kicking some wood chips around with her foot.
“Me too,” I sighed.
“I don’t like that she hurt Matt’s feelings.”
I nodded slightly, but couldn’t say the words. I felt utterly out of control, like I was out in the middle of a storm. What if Matt went back to his wife? What would that do with his relationship with Molly? Would they want custody of her? A married couple with another child would clearly take precedence over me. How could I move on without Molly?
I shook my head. I was rushing my thoughts. Worrying too much. It was unlikely that Matt would suddenly decide to move back to California with his wife. But reconciliation wasn’t completely out of the question. He still had feelings for her. He was once in love with her. It’s impossible to throw that out of the window so shortly after a relationship. After all, I still had fond feelings for Mira.
But what I was really wondering was whether Matt’s feelings for me were strong enough. Like I had decided earlier, he didn’t have any obligations to me. But it would be nice to think that his “I think I love you” meant something. But I wasn’t kidding anyone.
The odds were against me.
He was married to Janice for years. They’d shared intimate moments that completely out-shadowed the best moments I’d had with Matt. Aside from that, with me, Matt was entering new territory involving sex and sexuality that I wasn’t sure if he even wanted to confront. I didn’t even know if he was prepared for the idea of having sex with a man. Why wouldn’t he want to go back to familiar territory, as it were?
Molly suddenly held my hand, “He won’t cheat on you.”
With my eyebrows somewhere in the vicinity of my hairline, I said, “I’m sorry, what?”
“You know,” she said confidently. “He wasn’t looking at her the way he looks at you. And my friend Michelle says that only cheaters kiss people they’re not supposed to. And Matt wouldn’t kiss her, because that would be cheating.”
I smiled. “Of course. How could I doubt Michelle?”
Molly nodded. “She’s smart about things like that. Her sister has a whole bunch of magazines that explain everything about relationships.”
I could barely suppress a laugh. I was getting advice about romance from my ten-year-old daughter, about her other father, mind you, who was getting bad, second-hand advice from a friend’s sister’s teen magazine. I didn’t think there were many ways it could get stranger.
She bit her lower lip before speaking, “When my mom and dad… You and Matt are together like my Mom and Dad were, aren’t you? I didn’t know, but then I saw you kissing.”
“I-um… M-matt and I-We-“ I stuttered, but found the words missing. How did I explain this whole thing to Molly? That her two dads may not have been exactly what she thought.
“Why don’t you sleep in the same bed though?”
And it just got stranger.
“Uhhm, oh…” I was panicking. What had she meant by that? Certainly she didn’t mean sex. She didn’t know about sex. I thought.
“Cause my Mom told me once that parents sleep in the same bed because they love each other. I couldn’t figure out if you slept in the same bed, like my Mom and Dad did, but you love each other right?”
I finally exhaled. By sleeping she meant… sleeping. I cleared my throat.
“Molly,” I said, putting my arm around her shoulders and pulling her a little closer to me. I swallowed nervously. We’d talked about her parents before, but never so casually. And never in direct comparison to myself and Matthew. “Matt and I don’t have a relationship like your Mom and Dad did. Your Mom and Dad chose to be parents together before they had you. Matthew and I were strangers not too long ago. We like each other very much. And we love you very much, but we’re not like a married couple.”
“I know,” she said exasperatedly. “We’re a special family, but you and Matt still love each other. Right?”
I sighed, “Yes. But-“
“So you shouldn’t worry.”
I looked at her and her confident grin. I was fairly dumbstruck. How did such a child know to say things like that? A little girl, who’d seen more terrible things than most adults, was also more thoughtful than most adults. And there she was trying to make me feel better. I stared at her in shock.
“You shouldn’t worry about Matt kissing his old wife if you and Matt love each other.”
I smiled and kissed the top of her head. “Thank you.”
“No problem,” she said with a bright smile.
I appreciated her trying to make me feel better, but, obviously, she didn’t really understand the reality of the situation. Love didn’t always make everything better. And aside from that, I wasn’t even sure Matt did love me. We were attracted to each other, we were friends, we loved Molly, but… I had a strong desire to be near him, to be in his life, to help him, to protect him. Was that enough love? I knew what Molly would say, but I couldn’t help but feel doubtful about it.
And the doubt didn’t decrease any when Matt called a moment later to tell me he was going to Janice’s hotel to talk further. And that we, Molly and myself, shouldn’t wait to have supper and to go ahead and watch the movie without him.
Before letting go he said, “Mohinder,” haltingly.
“I understand,” I lied. I was just being jealous. Worrying too much. “I’ll see you later.”
I hung up and told Molly that we were going back home and Matt was going to talk to Janice some more. She cringed a little, looking regretful, like she now doubted her previous statements. But maybe I was projecting.
Matt didn’t come back until quarter to eleven. By that time I’d finished with my self-pity and doubt, to go on to regret, rage, fear and rage again. And then started the whole cycle over again before he walked through the door. But I’d refused to call. I didn’t want to seem jealous or needy or pathetic, though I clearly felt all those ways.
Molly and I had had supper and watched the movie and even played a game of Scrabble, before I made her go to bed. She was intensely disappointed that Matt hadn’t come back in time for the movie, because he was much more involved when it came to comedic movie viewing than I. And that’s when I wasn’t distracted by my own emotional paranoia and Matt’s distinctly long absence. I was distracted the whole night, imagining worst-case-scenarios of Matt rushing back in, telling me he and Janice had made up and wasn’t that just great!
I think I was driving myself crazy.
I tried distracting myself with television after Molly went to bed. But the only thing that managed to grab my attention was that the man who used to be on Blackadder was apparently now playing a disgruntled, drug-addicted American doctor. But that didn’t last and it felt like forever until Matt came home.
And when the door finally opened, I couldn’t even bring myself to say anything.
“I’m sorry,” he said, looking sheepish. “I should have come home sooner or called or something. I just lost track of time.” He took off his jacket and walked towards me. “I just needed some time to think about things. Then I looked up at the clock and it was already ten. I hope Molly’s not too-Whoa!”
“Hmm?” I said, trying not to look in any way out of the ordinary.
He looked alarmed and tilted his head to the left slightly, “You’re head is, like, insane right now. What are you-I didn’t…”
I tried as quickly as I could, switching all my thoughts to Tamil, but I wasn’t even aware I had been thinking of things he would pick up on so quickly. I was still too wrapped up in worry.
Matt sat down next to me on the couch, worried looking and looming over me like a concerned, mind-reading bird. I very suddenly wanted to hate him.
“Did you think Janice was trying to make up with me?”
I swallowed nervously, feeling foolish and exposed. I’d never hated his ability as much as I had at that moment. My excessive, worrisome jealousy was something I should have been able to keep to myself.
“Don’t read my mind,” I said angrily.
“Whoa, wait… Mohinder, first of all, she just wanted to see if we could not hate each other. Secondly, why would you even think I’d go back to her?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” I snapped, jumping to my feet, with Matt following me. “You were only married for five years! You still have feelings for her. You were ready to go back to her after she cheated on you, why not now? And to my knowledge, you’ve never even been attracted to a man before. Why in the bloody hell would I think this relationship wouldn’t work?”
As soon as the words left my mouth I wanted to die. Why the hell would I say such a stupid fucking thing? Why would I expose myself like that? Matt and I weren’t even a proper couple. What gave me the right to sound so needy and insecure? I pulled at my own hair, wanting desperately to take it back.
Where was a time traveler when you needed one?
“Mohinder,” he started. My eyes were focused on his feet and I tried to walk around him, not knowing what I was hoping to achieve. He wrapped a hand around my arm and stopped me from moving passed him. “Do you really think we can’t work? Because I just spent the last two hours of a way-too-long confrontation with my ex-wife talking about how much I’m in love with you and Molly. I was under the impression that we were doing okay.”
I finally looked at him. He had a sort of manic smile, but worried eyes. He let his grip slack on my arm and moved his hand to the back of my neck. His hand was heavy and warm, almost burningly so, weighing me down to the spot.
“We are. I don’t know. I just… There are so many things worrying me. Actually having a relationship with you seems so much more complicated than wanting one.”
Matt’s heavy hand on the base of my neck pulled me toward him. He kissed me on the lips, too softly because initiating that type of thing without warning was still too new. His hand dropped to my back and I moved my own hand around his bicep, pulling him toward me. I felt terrible. Despite my doubts, I couldn’t resist him.
He leaned away from me, cupped my face, and kissed me on the forehead.
“Well, no shit, Sherlock,” he said quietly, with a grin forming on his face. “Seriously, when’s the last time you were in a serious relationship?”
My face felt hot. Not just because the answer to the question involved years, but because of the ridiculous amount of jealousy and self-pity I’d been feeling. I stepped away from him.
“Don’t mock me,” I said flatly.
He smiled wider and tightened his grip around my shoulders and waist. “I’m not! I’m not… Most relationships are complicated. Too complicated. That’s normal. That’s life. And I know what you’re feeling because I was feeling the same thing. It’s okay. I expect that from a socially backward science nerd like yourself.”
“Matt,” I said sternly, but couldn’t help from smiling. He’d basically reassured me in the most Matt-like way possible. By making fun of me. It made me feel hopeful and happy I was wrong. I locked my arms around his waist.
“You need to stop so much worrying, Skinny,” he said, wrapping one arm tightly around my shoulders and pulling me tight against him. I let my head rest against the side of his. I felt his jaw line move against my temple. “Mostly because you’re giving me a headache. Partly because your shoulders are too tense. But also because I love you.”
After a few seconds, he added, “Does this mean you feel… otherwise?”
I pushed back from him, “No.” I touched the curve of his jaw line with my thumb. “That’s not what it means. I love you too and I’m glad you told me so.”
“Well,” he started, but I slipped away from him and walked toward my bedroom. He gave me a confused look.
“Why don’t we sleep in the same bed tonight?”
His eyes went wide, his mouth open. He looked like he was about to say something, but then swallowed it. Matt started to smirk as he stepped inside. And I shut the door behind him.
Next Part: A Brief Discussion of Touching
~love from WI (where its snowing like cats and dogs)
JLB